How do you cope with the frustration of an inconsiderate grandfather?

There are better nursing homes. Your first obligation is to your CHILD!

FYI, I have heard about the horror stories of NH here. But I have also read some very good and positive ones - NH , assisted Living, etc... You just have to do research, research and more research. Just because a loved one is put into these caregiving places does NOT mean you stop visiting your grandfather. If you're an attentive visiting relative, the institution will know that you are looking out for your parent and most likely (hopefully?) will be more attentive to your grandfather. But, I would recommend researching, checking what other people say about that place. Truly, Not all are bad. It's just that all the good ones would have a long waiting list. Set a Goal - make it simple - and then work at it. HUGS!!! book

Hi Shatzi, I take care of my 2 bedridden parents. Mom has Alzheimer. I've been helping father take care of mom when I was 23 yrs old. That was 23 years ago. I Have No Life! Fortunately, father took the bulk of main caregiving. So, I was able to get a full-time job and travel (my fondest wish at age 19) to London, Hong Kong, Australia, Indonesia, Korea, etc. Mom was angry. She was wandering off a lot. She was violent and physically attacked us. She didn't want to shower. Each year she got worse and worse. It got to the point that I could no longer travel cuz one person could no longer handle her. I have 7 siblings. No help from them. Just father and I...until father had a stroke last year and is now bedridden and is quickly going down the senile route. I thought at the time of his stroke that my siblings will step up and help me to physically care for 2 bedridden parents and maintain my fulltime job. NOT!!! I told them straight out - if I have to choose between quitting my job to care for parents vs. caring for parents 100%.. I will pack up my bags and move out. It seems heartless in written words. ...

But think about it - I have spent 23 years caregiving without help from my 7 siblings. And I'm still doing it. Am I being selfish now that I have decided that it's time to live my own life? So what that I'm not married and have no children. Hello?! I was too busy enjoying my full time job, travelling and caring for parent. Just because I'm single does not Automatically Volunteer me to be the parents caregiver!

I read your thread this morning, and I feel so much for you. I understand the loyalty you feel towards your grandfather (just as I did with mom - even though we grew up from a Very Dysfunctional Childhood - no memory of it at all...) But, Shatzi - you are Married with a 4 yr old child. Your grandfather is NOT going to get better. Actually if you think his behavior/caring for him is difficult now, he is just going to be getting Worse as the years go by.

May I recommend a thread started by a woman named Lisa, who invited her mom into her home? Her mom became abusive and quite disrespectful to her. She even told her daughter that Lisa cannot kick her out of the house. It was a difficult struggle. I would like for you to read it because Several Posters gave Lisa some very Great Advice! Please read it:

Two Years this July my mother has been living with me:
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/Cant-care-for-mean-and-hateful-mother-anymore-150326.htm

It's a very long thread- but I have found a way to read it and you can stop til the next day and NOT keep hitting the "NEXT" button over and over until you reach page 400-410. When you read and decide to stop reading at 201-210 page. You see the top of the page "http/www..."? ... Copy and paste this to your Word File that you have on your computer's desktop.... Then save this file.... When you come back, just open your Saved File on Desktop, click and copy...then log in here and paste it. Tada! You can start reading exactly on page 201-210.

Hope this helps!!!

Hello Schatzi,
I understand your last post and I do not totally disagree with you, that this does happen in some situations. Nursing home is not the only option. There is adult foster care, assisted living and others. There is a large senior center in the middle of your town. I know that for a fact. I would recommend calling them and asking for suggestions, ones that you are able to live with. (other than nursing home)
The fact that you can not get him to the doctor, is my biggest concern. I have sent you a note personally and have expressed why. If his disease is not treated appropriately, the care giving will become harder and harder. If you choose to accept his verbal abuse, that is up to you. But I know that at some point you will probably regret, not having made a different decision. There are things worse than death and one of those is the results of a disease not being treated properly. His disease can be controlled, not necessarily cured. And if he is not getting the appropriate medication, there will be many more difficult medical issues ahead. Like I said, this is also adding to his behaviors. Look up his disease and study up on it some more and perhaps you will understand what I am referring to. I wish you all the best. I will not continue to prod and try to give you direction. You came on the site asking for help, and we attempted to give you some ideas and suggestions. In no way did we want you to feel threatened. We were outsiders looking in with only part of the information. As I see it you will have to choose your immediate family or your grandfather. If grandfather was willing to go to the dr., then perhaps you could have it both ways.Blessings

Dear Shatzi869,
I still agree with all the women/men who posted above, but I also understand your love and concern about abusive NHs. A good one is almost rare and hard to find. Did you report the one your Mom was in to your State Dept of Health or any other organizations? You should. Take pictures/videos. Is your Dad at death's door yet 6 months to a year? My Mom is in hospice and the staff is soooo very loving to her and she is so well taken care of 24/7. Mom loves all the staff there and they are top of the line, loving, compassionate, caring, etc--far better than any NH in the world. If Grandad is not, please, please try to find a good NH, even if its far away. You will do him much more good if you let good and caring professionals take 24/7 care of him and you can still visit him. You need to save your family first, or hire outside CG to take care of him so that you can concentrate all of your love first to your child and husband. But please let someone else take care of Grandad. Please let all of us know what you've decided and what you're going to do. Please save your sanity, your husband and your child = YOUR LIVES!!

Schatzi,
Glad to hear from you!
I understand your concerns of a NH so lets look at what we can be done instead.
Your grandfather will continue to be a bully, abusive, etc.. until you say STOP- AND back it up with him going to a NH. (He probably already knows he can get away w/ everything, that you won't do anything about it and that you won't send him to a NH.)
Have a sit down talk with him. Make house and behavior rules. (Like when a parent threatens a child w/ a spanking (when I was a kid), the kid knew the parent could/ would carry it out so they behaved. Post the rules on the wall if necessary?

Tell your grandfather:
He has to go to the dr.
He has to take his meds.
He is not allowed to eat your food.
He must be respectful to you, your husband and child and the house.
Otherwise the consequence is he goes in a NH. If he does not do as you ask then HE will be the one on the receiving end at a (possibly not ideal) NH! He can either play nice or else....(That didn't come out as I want but you get the idea.)

Are you going to sacrifice the well being of your marriage, husband, child, yourself for your grandfather?
If you do not like being abused- DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT- or it will continue!
Again, we are here to support you.
Not all NH are the way you say, yes, a lot are but there are some really good one's out there.
Good luck! Again, keep us posted! You can make these tough decisions~

The reason I am not going to put him in a nursing home is that I have both worked and volunteered in a couple and my mother has been in one. I have seen the elderly trying to feed themselves, not being able to get the food to their mouths because of their lack of coordination and strength, and the cna's that are supposed to be helping them chit-chatting instead. I have seen them being treated improperly and without compassion, drugged up, ignored, etc. My dad got my mother out of one within days of her being there because of the way she was treated. They wouldn't even let her call my dad. No thank you.

martyr - One who makes great sacrifices or suffers much in order to further a belief, cause, or principle.
It is you, your husband and child who are sacrificing for a principle that comes with guilt.
Your grandfather the cause with his stubborness, bigotry and ungratefulness
Solution-medicaid and NH placement
Results-a happy harmoneous life with your husband and child

Hello Schatzi!
I sincerely echo 1genintherough- we are here to support, encourage, and gently prod you to do what is necessary to take care of yourself, your child, your husband AND grandfather, as well as tell you things that may come across as harsh (but meant in a loving way) to you.
I too have been looking for your posts because I care. Let us know how you are doing, okay?
The more details and facts we have, the more we can help (not meant to be nosy, just helpful).
I did have a question for you-Does the house belong to your grandfather?
Just wanted you to know we care for you and are thinking of you!
Hang in there Schatzi!

Hello there Schatzi , Have not heard from you in three days and hope that you do not feel like we were "dumping" on you. That was not our intention. We are concerned for all of your well being. Hope that since we have not heard from you, that you are working on getting some help.I know it is not easy to make these hard decisions. We are all here to support you. I hope you know that. With all the issues that you described your mom having, I am sure you have had your fair share of difficulties. REMEMBER, WE ARE ALL HERE TO SUPPORT YOU. Blessings once again.

Your grandfather is bigoted against Latinos and your husband is Latino. Your husband (understandably) complains about your grandfather. Grandfather insults you daily.

What on earth are you subjecting your young child to? Is this a healthy atmosphere to raise a child in? Is this situation fair to your husband? No and NO!!

Nobody can be all things to all people. It is time (past time, really) for you to figure out what the priorities of your relationships are. Currently you are putting Grandfather first. If you continue to do that, you will continue to be in the situation you are in. Your child will suffer. Your marriage will suffer. And you will not be able to remember the last time you were happy.

If you want a change, you are the one who has to make it. IF you really want a change, start by calling Social Services in your county and ask for an intake assessment for Grandfather. Explain that you are no longer able to have him live with you. Find out what options are available to him.

I'm sure you love Grandfather. You will not abandon him. When he lives somewhere else you will visit him and advocate for him and be a loving granddaughter.

If you don't want to make changes, well, that is your choice. Just realize that your choices have a big impact on your child and husband and on your own health.

Does this sound harsh? My dear young woman, you are in a very harsh situation. Sugar-coating it won't help you cope.

HI Shatzi869!
I agree with the others. I do know, thinking of the Michael Jackson song, The man in the mirror- you can ONLY change you. It is great that you are honoring your grandfather, but you, my dear are a mother to a very precious 4 yr old AND you are a wife. Your grandfather is being selfish. Your first obligation is to your husband and child. If your child could verbally describe you as mom, what would they say? That you are loving, happy, the best mom in the world- or would your child say you are unhappy, depressed, stressed and grumpy? (Hey, I've been a single mom for 11 yrs w/ no support- I GET it!)
You do your best by your grandfather- you have done this for SEVEN years, it has not been easy.
If you place him in a facility, AL, NH, whatever- he may not like it, but you have to stand up for yourself, noone else will! It is his choice whether he speaks to you afterwards. He can interact and have a relationship with you (being more rested, happy and in a better frame of mind) or he can not see you, sit there with his arms crossed, chin out and pout! How childish! HIS choice.
You have to do this for yourself, your child and husband. Be strong my dear- you have it in you. Let us know what you do and decide. You have others here to support you, encourage and HUG you!
You would not being writing in this forum if you were not at wits end. You can do it! Be strong, stay strong, you are stronger than you know! Keep us posted!

Please rethink " I won't put him in a home"! Absolutes in my opinion are usually dangerous! Him not forgiving you or not speaking to you, is NOT YOUR PROBLEM, IT IS HIS! Why will you not do that? Is it the guilt?
If he is in a reputable "home", and his needs are taken care of, that frees you up to take care of your 4 yr. old and your other family, and leaves you free to visit him and have a somewhat "happy" time with him. You can have a happy visit, even if he chooses not to.
"Wishing you could get him to care" will not happen, unless YOU take action.
I know that I am probably coming across as being very harsh, but it is the reality of the situation, as I see it.
Last but not least, he is not getting appropriate care for his disease. And that will definitely escalate his behaviors.
I am certain you are doing what you feel you can. But sometimes we have to leave our comfort zones, to actually make progress. Please do not take my words as an insult, but rather as a call to action, for all of your best interest.
Blessings

My mother is my grandpa's only child, and she hasn't visited in years. I see her a lot, but she doesn't leave her house. She has paranoid schizophrenia though, and although she is pretty normal while medicated she uses it as an excuse not to go anywhere. My youngest sister moved to California and my other sister only helps when she feels like it...which tends to be when she's getting something out of it. I won't put him in a home (and if I did he would never forgive me or speak to me again) and he won't go to any of the senior citizen activities in our town. He says he's being controlled but he is free to do as he pleases and chooses to act the way he is. I've thought about getting a visiting nurse-type of thing a couple days a week but we really can't afford it. I just wish I could get him to care again.

I totally agree with 1gemintherough. I mean, its been 7 years already and its about time to burst! Your child and husband comes first.
Do you have any other siblings or relatives that can help out? Is your grandpa on your side or your husbands side? Grandaddy must have other grandchildren to help you out. I understand. Even now, with Dad passing and Mom in hospice, I don't remember what it feels like to be happy or even have a good time any longer. I have forgotten its been so long.
If Grandadddy is such a problem and won't take his meds, can you speak to his doctors about it, also about AL or NH?? I mean, this is all too much for you and your mental and physical health will decline faster than Grandaddy's will if you try to keep this up. Then what will happen to your 4 yr old and your husband?

Hi there! Your post caught my attention, because of schatzi!
Sounds like you need to look into other care arrangements for him!
You have to be able to care for your child, in my opinion FIRST and foremost!
And it does not sound like you are able to do that well, in this situation.
You do not want to let yourself get to the point where you may do something that you will regret later. I believe that can happen to anyone, given the correct set of circumstances!!!!!!!!!!!!
Call a help line, contact social services, elder care or the like in your town.
This does not sound like a healthy situation for you, much less for your 4 year old.
Yes, we all need to help each other, but if you are in a situation where you are not functioning well, you need to get out from under the load. Sometimes there are places where you can take loved ones to give you some respite, for a short period of time. Then perhaps, you can with a logical head, proceed to make the best arrangements FOR EVERYONE INVOLVED! Remember, I did not say it would be the best for everyone, BUT everyone involved. Some times we have to pick out the better of 2 bad situations. Not a good or bad one.
My biggest concern is you and the 4 year old in the home. In my opinion the child needs to come first! And if you are so distressed with the care of grandpa, how can you possibly be giving your 4 yr. old the care he/she needs. It sounds like you are having major issues coping, at present.
Do not give up, but DO something to change the situation! Let us know from time to time, how your situation is progressing.
Blessings