What to do with MIL?

A neurologist is the doctor that would diagnose the dementia. If she is on Medicare, I don't think she needs a referral to take her to one. A neurologist asks a lot of questions that have to with memory so she wouldn't be able to fool or manipulate. I went through this with my mother-in-law and she was very good at getting what she wanted. The neurologist we took her to basically just had a conversation with her and asked questions here and there in the conversation. He did do some lists but I don't remember how he explained it to her. She did cooperate and he would let us know how she did from the previous visit. Once diagnosed and on medication she saw him every 6 months.

I too understand fully what you are going through. Mom was the sweetest most caring person ...until we noticed some things happening. She was having delusions and forgetting names at first. Then accusing of things missing, and people coming in her apartment and stealing things or playing tricks on her. She fell in late July and as she spent some time in the hospital to reverse the aftermath of the fall (rhabdomylosis-protiens built up in the muscles) then came home to live with us. They did all sorts of tests, cat scans, mri's and such. And the final diagnosis was Progressive Dementia. Luckily about 10 years ago mom assigned me POA. This is where my story begins....Mom has her ups and downs, dementia has made her ugly at times, and mostly to me. She acts sweet to anyone else who comes through the door but I'm the bad guy most of the time. Don't get me wrong. I love my mom, I know this is not her at all. Dementia messes with her brain and that's why it happens. We have Hospice now and they are my biggest asset. She has to take Lorazepam, and Haloperidol at night to help her sleep and keep her from having some delusions. It helps a little. But I miss my mom. There are moments that I see glimpses but those are slowly fading away.
Remember to take care of you. If its too hard to finish what you start..you did what you could. I am starting to come to this conclusion myself. Good luck.

annabell06, they are right, you need to get her assessed and dementia patients are great at putting on a show. That said, check with her county's Aging and Disability Resource Center (ADRC) for help. This should get you started http://www.aoa.gov/AoARoot/Elders_Families/index.aspx The county my mother lives in had an ADRC and they have been a valuable resource. They are the ones that told me her local hospital clinic had a Senior Center where they do senior assessments which medicare covers 100%. It is very thorough as they test for things like a vitamin B levels, diabetes, balance issues, give a physical, AND test for dementia/Alzheimer's. I didn't "get my mom to go". I just told her that it had been a long time since she had a thorough physical and that I had the appointment all set up. Worked like a charm. After the three part assessment, they sit down with the patient and any family members present to discuss their findings and make recommendations. Good luck!

Talk to the Dr. before hand. Tell him the things you have been seeing and experiencing so he has a baseline to look for. All dementia patients can put on a show for a certain amount of time. He may recommend another Dr. to look at her just for this purpose. If you don't get any help find a Dr. that specializes
in geriatrics. and make an appointment with them.

Thanks to all. These are the best answers to this dilema. I hope that I didnt sound like I didnt care about her. Sooozi, you are right about they want the ones that dont care to just talk to them and come she them. Its very sad. My husband says she has always been manipulating and jealous. sschmitt, you are right I would love to take her to the Dr. but she is very clever in deceiving people. I dont know if they would be able to diagnose her with dementia. wuvicecream, thanks I do want the best for my MIL. NancyH thanks I dont feel so bad.

You did the right thing by moving out. Uvwisicream is right. Do what it takes to get her to the Dr. you absolutely won't get help until you do. Legally she will have to be medically "declared to have dementia" for you to get her some help. Don't let the will business make you her puppet. In my experience very few people actually die now a days with any money at all. My family has taken care of 8 family members over the age of 80 most of my life and I now have 5 to take care of on my own. None of them have had anything left at the end. With the exception of one and we didn't believe her. In any case, you need outside help and that Dr. is the 1st step.

Here’s my personal situation that may or may not be helpful to you.

My mom always gave the most to her child who was farthest away who did the least for her regarding her care in her declining years. I think she thought if she did, that person would pay more attention to her. Just one possibility... The people who were here for her on a daily basis, she did the least for financially.

At the end of the day, we have to be a peace with what we give and we can absolutely control the wealth we make through our employment and save for ourselves.

It’s my personal opinion that counting on someone else’s will gives them the power to manipulate you. Do what you want for her out of the goodness of your heart. Live your life the way you want to. She is using her powers of manipulation, because she had no other power. It’s her last resort. While it was a lot of money, I found it sad to see how desperate my mother was for the attention of her furthest child and that she didn’t feel the need to be more thankful for those who were nearest to her and most caring in her times of greatest need.

Fortunately I worked hard all my life, saved carefully and in the end I am at peace with what I’ve done for her and the example of a good daughter that I’ve set for my children.

What she decided to do along the way with her money was her legacy and I hope everyone in my family feels good about the decisions they made as well.

I hope you find that balance of having peace in your life and moving forward in a good way for yourselves and for all those around you.

annabell06 I actually seek out people in your position, I'll tell you why.... because you do care or you would not be here asking, you don't understand why your MIL changed or why she's acting this way, she is in need of help, and you simply don't understand how or why or what to do about this....
I was there too Once upon a time.......
I have many concerns because I know the situation all to well and it is not pretty. Venting is OK not only OK but necessary, much better than denial or ignorance. You need to tell your husband his Mother is treating you like this because she is not understanding what is happening to her. Usually the people who they abuse verbally the most are the only people who care because deep down they know your never giving up on them. Like I said If you didn't really care you would not be here. Don't feel guilty and don't waist time getting her to conform to reality. If you do want to do something about the issue, start with getting her to a Dr. for physical and Mental health. This is always easier said than done. Don't tell her she needs it she's not acting right that is surely going to get a negative reaction. You need to do this on a, what I call "need to know basis"!!!! Oh and what ever she says or does, try to have a "you are right attitude". Unless it's dangerous, of course. Make "O.K." your favorite answer even if you think "no way". . Tell her she's beautiful take her to get her hair or nails done then the Dr, ,whatever it takes. See... you are not the one delusional, she is and you can work around that to get things done in her benefit. Once you know what the real issue is you can go on from there. I hope you understand this. Bottom line is, until you know what is going on in her mind to act this way you can't help. This is the first step. When a person acts this way they will not listen if you force or go against them.

Thanks for the support. We should of set bounderies it took a toll on our marriage. She got so jealous of my mom that it was ridiculus. My mom has had cancer twice, chemo radiation, masectomy, broken arm. She worked while taking treatments. I had my family over and it was great my daughter graduated college. She acted like she enjoyed the party,nice to everyone then next couple days she wanted say little things to my husband . She would say you act like you know more about your MIL than you do me. My daughter came over and she would not come out of the room. One more thing, if I may she has different facial looks every few days or so. Its like crazy is oozing out. Its like cybil,all kinds of mood swings. Thanks for letting me vent.

Congratulations on your new independence!

Maybe after the dust settles you'll be able to get along better with MIL for brief visits.

If she's accusing you of stealing, it could be she does have some dementia. She probably forgot where she put stuff and thought someone had taken them. Went thru that with my mother-in-law in her asst living place. The whole first year I spent looking for her things that she was just SURE the aides had stolen. It was like a treasure hunt there for awhile. Here it is 4 years later and she's still hiding her bananas in her kitchen drawer because she's convinced those women that work there are stealing them!! Give me a freakin' break!! :)