How do I develop a relationship with him, when he really doesn't like me?

BTW, this is a safe place to vent. Sometimes we can help. Other times we can just listen. So vent away.

You are at a bad point. I guess before this all comes down on you, you will have to set limits on what you will and will not do. Have the other family members discussed what they would be able to do to help. Some things they can do is to agree to take your FIL on certain days so that you can have some time alone and with your husband. Your husband sounds like he is in the position of looking bad if he doesn't follow through on what he said he would do. It is a difficult situation. Sometimes women get cast in the role of Cinderella when it comes to caregiving, but there is no Prince Charming to come to the rescue. You need to have a family meeting about sharing the responsibilities so that one person does not get overwhelmed. The family should be able to do this without anger or bullying. In my way of thinking, everyone should be willing to play a role in taking care of your FIL. Do you think you could get your BIL and SIL involved in his care?

thanks Jessie. I must tell you that I started this journey with such good intentions, trying and wanting to do the right thing out of compassion for the old man (he is 90), and out of love for my husband, and also a genuine desire to help. But the last few months of preparation for him to leave his home and move to us have been filled with such horridness and ugliness from both the family and from him that when I finally said to my husband two months ago that I don't think I can do this, the response was that it was all too far gone for us to change things now. No matter what I say or feel or express, I get told how negative I am being, how I am just looking for problems, how he really is not such a bad old man at all, and I am just making this worse for myself. It feels like if I don't do this, I lose my marriage; if I do do this, I lose my marriage. I have no voice either way any more and I am truly afraid that I am going to just crash and burn with all of this, and my marriage will collapse along the way. My one safe space has always been my home, and now it is no longer a place I can come to and be quiet and alone and safe, I will always have to be talking to/looking after/feeding/cleaning up after him. Sorry for venting ... none of my friends are in this situation, so they can't understand, the family seems content to have me as the maid and carer but for God's sake keep your mouth shut, and I am truly at my wits end.... already, and it hasn't even happened yet.

Why did you say okay to this? It sounds like you took a backseat to the rest of the family. I hope it will work out for you. The first months were the worst for me. It sounds like you are in a very pressured position. One thing to remember is that you have as much right to say no as your husband, his brother, or your SIL does. Please let us know how it goes.