Is it time for Mom to go to a home? And how to get the rest of family behind the decision?

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StChaos Asked December 2012

Is it time for Mom to go to a home? And how to get the rest of family behind the decision?

My mom has dementia and it's gotten to the point that my dad is struggling to help her. I come over several times a week to help as well (despite being in poor physical and mental health). She won't bathe, sometimes won't eat. She's acting inappropriate (walking around house naked or in underwear with company over, glaring and making faces at strangers) at times. However, there is a STRONG cultural component that we should keep her at home and a nursing home is "abandoning" her. My dad feels guilty even considering the idea despite his inability to care for all her needs. Her other children (my step siblings): 1st one is in another state, 2nd one is handicapped, 3rd one only shows up twice a month and might be trying to milk her for money and I'm the youngest and it was expected of me to grow up and care for her and my dad. I'm doing the best I can but I don't think it's enough. She will NOT allow outsiders to come in and help--she throws a tantrum when her own adult children help. When is the right time to move her to a facility? Do we have to wait for an incident? How do we get her to cooperate (she does get physically combative)? And how do we do all this WITHOUT tearing the family apart?

Skilled Nursing Facility

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score 0 · Answer 1

Thanks, everyone, for your input. Every little bit of support helps these days.
My mom's condition is deteriorating due to "microstrokes" due to high blood pressure and diabetes. Most go undetected, but as time goes on, she shows more symptoms. They've seemed to accelerate lately.
Dad had a talk with one of my brothers and now that sibling is on the same page with us about the very real possibility that Mom may have to go to an assisted facility. However, Dad can't bring himself to do so just yet.
I think we will have to wait until she is more oblivious before we can get in-home help. So I think, for now, I will do what I can to give Dad more breaks (I usually take her out for lunch, museum trips, etc). Thanks for the great idea, MyWitsEnd!

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score 3 · Answer 2

StChaos- i did go through a similar situation. Really 76 and 67 is relatively young, and that can make it harder. My Mom had dementia resulting from an aneurysm and repeated seizures. They had moved to another state for retirement before this happened, so they were alone. For many years, my siblings and I rotated visits so we could help my Dad and give him some respite. We all told him we had no problem with her going to a facility. It was obvious the caregiving was taking a huge toll on him physically and emotionally. He would not do it. We had to respect that. He did agree to in-home help. At first, this was hard because my mother was argumentative. But, as her dementia progressed, she really didn't seem to know they were there. I would talk to your dad. If a facility is too hard for him to do, then discuss how in-home care could work. Maybe you mom will need some medication to make her less combative. To be frank, I knew I had already lost my mom. I did not also want to lose my dad. He needed a break. For us, the in-home was a good balance.

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score 0 · Answer 3

Sorry about the typos! It is late. Again, prayers to you and yours!

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score 1 · Answer 4

StChaos - love your name by th e way. *sigh * - it is hard . I am in a similar situation. - but my Mom does not have the level of dementia your Mom has. She has some, I believe and can be frustrating but your Mom definitely seems in more distress from the disease. It sounds to me like the right time is now. I am new to this forum and just emapnarking on the care of my elderly parents so I am not a great resource for you though. I hope someone who has gone through the actual moving of a parent will respond to you and help guide you some. I have a feeling that no matter what it is not going to be an easy journey. I think people will get angry and things may get said but l don't think that means the journey should not be made. Life is messy. Good luck! Blessings to you and your family. Sorry Incannot be more helps!

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score 0 · Answer 5

Additional notes (sorry, got emotional and forgot to add these):
-She is 76 and living at home with my father who is 67 (he's not in the best of health either)
-I live separate from them with a very supportive fiance who helps me cope with my emotions but has no experience dealing with elderly family members
-One of my aunts recently died while in a nursing home and I think that feeds my father's apprehension of seeing her in a facility
-Most of my family is in denial that it's gotten this serious but every once in a while, it sinks in to my dad that this is happening.

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Is it time for Mom to go to a home? And how to get the rest of family behind the decision?

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