My mom has dementia and it's gotten to the point that my dad is struggling to help her. I come over several times a week to help as well (despite being in poor physical and mental health). She won't bathe, sometimes won't eat. She's acting inappropriate (walking around house naked or in underwear with company over, glaring and making faces at strangers) at times. However, there is a STRONG cultural component that we should keep her at home and a nursing home is "abandoning" her. My dad feels guilty even considering the idea despite his inability to care for all her needs. Her other children (my step siblings): 1st one is in another state, 2nd one is handicapped, 3rd one only shows up twice a month and might be trying to milk her for money and I'm the youngest and it was expected of me to grow up and care for her and my dad. I'm doing the best I can but I don't think it's enough. She will NOT allow outsiders to come in and help--she throws a tantrum when her own adult children help. When is the right time to move her to a facility? Do we have to wait for an incident? How do we get her to cooperate (she does get physically combative)? And how do we do all this WITHOUT tearing the family apart?
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My mom's condition is deteriorating due to "microstrokes" due to high blood pressure and diabetes. Most go undetected, but as time goes on, she shows more symptoms. They've seemed to accelerate lately.
Dad had a talk with one of my brothers and now that sibling is on the same page with us about the very real possibility that Mom may have to go to an assisted facility. However, Dad can't bring himself to do so just yet.
I think we will have to wait until she is more oblivious before we can get in-home help. So I think, for now, I will do what I can to give Dad more breaks (I usually take her out for lunch, museum trips, etc). Thanks for the great idea, MyWitsEnd!
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-She is 76 and living at home with my father who is 67 (he's not in the best of health either)
-I live separate from them with a very supportive fiance who helps me cope with my emotions but has no experience dealing with elderly family members
-One of my aunts recently died while in a nursing home and I think that feeds my father's apprehension of seeing her in a facility
-Most of my family is in denial that it's gotten this serious but every once in a while, it sinks in to my dad that this is happening.