How can I get my brother stop waiting until the last minute to call me when they need help with my mom?

CARTER:

Since you're siblings sharing the responsibility, I guess he assumes you're supposed to be "on call." No matter how far you live. ... Well, it doesn't work that way.

To be on the same page you have to read from the same page. If he wants to "paint the town" or handle some other business until the wee hours of the morning, the RESPECTFUL thing to do is to give you the heads up well in advance.

And don't apologize. ... You're just asking for what's fair.

I think I can understand your brother getting to the point where he has to get out NOW, THIS MINUTE, because its all too much, all the time. Maybe you could try to offer him a more regular helping hand, or offer to take over a night a week, or every second weekend. Being on demand day and night is exhausting, and actually, hats off to your brother for being the caregiver and living with it all the time.
I will tell you that I have sat in the car in the driveway after coming home from the shops or an errand, for ages and ages, trying to drag up the energy to come back in the house and face it all again. There is a very real heaviness that sets in as you come back home and walk back into the energy all over again.

My response was based on being the 24/7 caregiver for my Mom. I can't imagine just expecting someone to be at my beck and call just because I needed time away, unless it was a true emergency. Whether hiring help or asking siblings to help out some advance planning and consideration for siblings' life should be taken into account. These are all things best talked about before the need arises.

I have one sibling who could be here in minutes and stay as long as needed. The other has little time for anyone but herself and needs several days' notice and exact time she is to be here and leave....and I mean exact on both ends!'

I found it best to have a hired nurse scheduled for regular time away from home be it a few hours each week or a 2 week vacation. Siblings/family could be prone to having something come up and you are left hanging. I do understand not everyone is able to have hired help and need full cooperation of siblings/family to prevent burnout.

It may seem disrespectful to you not to give you more notice, but it is surely a better alternative to going off in a rage against Mother because things have gotten bad quickly and he just can't take it one more minute! Sometimes it is hard to plan these things in advance. Or he may be getting last-minutes invitations from his buddies who aren't tied down caring for someone and who therefore can be more spontaneous. It happens, ya know?

So, yes, brother should really give you more notice. But I'd cut him lots of slack on the "shoulds" of polite society. Fulltime caregiving deserves some special allowances.

Whether he does this twice a month or four times a week would make some difference. Could you give us a more complete picture?

I agree with the posters who suggest a regular schedule for you take over the caregiving. Do you do that? Caregiver burnout is a very real phenomenon, and if it occurs it is a real disaster for the entire family. One of the best ways to prevent this is regular respite.

Imcarter A bit more info would be helpful. I am going give my answer from what I get from this, as you asked here so far. Your a good sister and daughter for helping out. You should be grateful that your brother is doing anything to Help and not running away and making excuses, as in most cases there is a sibling who takes on most of the care and the others think it's a burden when they're asking for help. As a caregiver for my Mom, I know that any person willing to help is much appreciated. I also know that the people that don't do the care giving on a daily basis don't "get it" in a "full reality". Making a perfect schedule for a person without 24/7 care may be easy to do, but scheduling down time for a 24/7 caregiver is a lot easier said than done. I was lucky in a few circumstances that my friends were very understanding and excepting of my Mom's needs and mine to be there for her. I was able to go to party's and some down time events with my Mom if she were in the mood . There were also many times that my plans were detoured due to Mom's condition or behavior. I wish I had notice for those times, it just does not work that way. I would get invites, same day sometimes, I knew there was no way I could get someone to stay with Mom or have Mom prepared so I had no choice but to decline. Or... I would get ready for a night out with someone prepared to stay weeks in advance and have to cancel because unforeseen circumstances with Mom. Could it be your brother just see's an opportunity to go out without creating a dramatic event just to do something he wants to do. All I am trying to say is caregivers need a break and it benefits everyone involved. It may seem to you like he's pushing his privileges and taking advantage but if a friend calls you to go out, do you need to organize and plan and have time limits. If he's doing a good job on a regular basis and all he asks is to be free to have a life of his own occasionally I would not give him a hard time I would appreciate his efforts and give him the time he needs.

I also, wonder how often your brother calls to ask for help. If he is the primary caregiver, there may be times he just needs to get out and not able to give you notice. The needs of a primary caregiver are often forgotten about by other siblings. If he is the primary caregiver, he has sacrificed plenty. Those that don't stay with the parents often do not understand how difficult a task this is. Perhaps you would consider setting a regular schedule with him, say once a week for a few hours, then he could schedule something fun to do that will work for you. Or offer to stay one weekend a month? In my case, this would be very welcome assistance.

I have been caring for my mom for nearly 18 months. In that time, I have had about 10 weekends to do what I wanted, and a two week respite in August. Since August I have had one weekend where I could get away. Maybe you could suggest hiring a caregiver to stay with mom if you are unable to. The primary caregiver is making a tremendous sacrifice in his life, especially if he doesn't have another job.

A little more history needed here. How often does your brother call? Are there special circumstances, such as being called in to work unexpectedly? Why does he stay out? Is your brother your mother's primary caregiver? I ask this because sometimes a caregiver needs some time away. I wondered if this might be the case.

Just tell him straight out....you need at least 48 hours notice and you need to know what time he will be home. If you have to drive a distance to get there, let him know what time of night you are comfortable driving home You have a life and things going on that require planning. He is being very disrespectful of you.

Good luck!