I am the primary caregiver for my mother, who was diagnosed with dementia last year. She has progressively gotten worse, she started having accidents so she now wears Depends and will still soil those, she is prone to outbursts, and needs assistance with everything. I am the youngest of my siblings and also the only one with no kids so it seems like everyone expects me to shoulder pretty much all of the caregiving. I am seriously tired of this and am considering placing my mother in assisted living. This has been met with heavy criticism from my mother's siblings, some of whom haven't saw my mother in years. How do I politely tell them where to get off?
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Keep us posted as to how you are doing looking for the right facility for your mother.I hope you are making progress on that issue. F the others.
It's new year; it's a new you. And it's new me!!!
Happy New year!
-SS
After caring for my "wandering dangerously" Mom who I started calling Houdini because she was quite the escape artist and made pills disappear in thin air, not in her mouth, I'd find them hidden later even though I watched her like a hawk. so I thought. Anyway my only break was my 45 hour a week job (that she came with me for 20 of those hours, beauty shop) when she was with the aide, but I got her dressed and showered myself daily, the aid was like her entertainer wich was great by the way, but no break for me really. My sister wanted to get paid for taking her to lunch and to spend time with her kids, her grandchildren, at the movies or a ball game and Mom was always on best behavior with my sister. Her excuse was that "You wanted this SHAKING MY HEAD...." WTF!!! sorry but REALLY!!!! Yes... sure...I woke one day and said I hope Mom gets Dementia and I get to be her caregiver. Clean her hoarded house alone, work 45 hours a week, all while getting everything I needed for medicaid application in order, get attitude from family when I need help. The entire time my Sister complained about "spending quality time, not work, WITH HER MOTHER" yet she gave me a hard time when I got Mom into a NH and on medicaid (no help from sister of course!!!) I had to move into the house, my life's on hold still, .we all co-own the house, was Grandfather's ,I live here pay all bills in the house ,that BTW was unlivable, mold, clogged pipes. loaded with what equaled to about 50 peoples stuff, and much more. all while 24/7 Mom and 45 hour job and did it all alone. During this applying for medicaid too.
I made a perfect care plan.She had the nerve to say I didn't agree to this
~with an attitude, no less~
So I said to sis...OK you have choices
#1 you take her home with you 24/7 w/ no help from me, I'll visit but no work for me. just fun time with Mom when I'm with her, just like you did to me and I'll complain about you not paying me for play time with Mom. Then you'll have to pay an aid while your at work out of your pocket. Pay for her meds take her to doctors, do her laundry, bathing, dressing,cooking, cleaning etc. Oh and I'll hang up on you when you call and need help!!! Oh and prepare to see police daily!!!
#2 Move her back into her house get a live in aid 24/7 $335.00 a day. pay for her meds, food, daily needs, still take her to dr's, fix the house so she can't get out of doors, windows, which won't work anyway she'll find away to get out. Deal with picking her up when police call you because she got out and lost or in danger. If they find her at all and well and ok.
#3 You can pay the nursing home $10,000 out of your pocket minus mom's income, in stead of medicaid, I'll move so you pay taxes and bills on the house until it sells. Then you can go to NH 5 days a week make sure she's OK Good quality of life, right meds, etc. like I do!!
# 4 OR JUST SHUT UP AND SAY "THANK YOU YOUR A GOOD SISTER, YOU DID A GOOD JOB!!!" and co-sign a check as co-P.O.A. once a month "Mom's income" no cost to you and Mom will be safe, secure, clean, well feed, entertained, under Dr's care... and you don't have to sweat or stress out or spend a dime!!! OH and you don't even have to visit!!!
OK Sis will it be #1...#2...#3...or...#4 ?????
Guess which one she chose.... You got it #4 minus the TY great sister stuff... that, WAS ASKING TOO MUCH !!!
OMG That feels so good getting that all off of my chest to people who
understand it all!!!
The short version answer "LMAO~ as the weight has been lifted" give them options of care needs to people who want her to stay home and errands and try letting them take her for a few days in a row. I bet they start agreeing with your choices.
Do what you can, and like Jeanne said, plan ahead as your mom progresses in the disease. In the meantime, try to find a career/life for yourself because you will be needing it - Sanity away from home stresses.
With dementia care we have to take one day at a time. But when it comes to selecting a care center it pays to look ahead to the future, too.
Good luck! (And do what you have to do. Ignore the critics.)
I have a sister who told on the phone one day when I was asking for some help with my Dad,"I can help, but I won't", "he hasn't done anything for me lately" . My family has wonder why I stopped talking to her. I'm not saying that's what you should do.
Tell your family members the truth, tell them how you feel about their criticism. Then do what you need to do for your own mental health. If the family members don't stop you'll at least will have said your peace.
You could also ask them to come over for a day just to "help" and let them see what you do each day. It could be an eye opener for them.
I also wanted to say "Hi neighbor". I live in Garden City.
When the guardianship papers arrived at New Parent Brother's home, he emailed me that he wanted some "answers" before he was willing to sign off supporting his brother as guardian.
I responded that his brother fully supported HIM being guardian and if he didn't want his brother as guardian that he needed to come and take his parents to his state and apply for guardianship there.
He signed the papers and mailed them to the lawyer's office.
Good luck and stay in touch. I am the youngest too!
-SS
Ashton, you are young and in a very important part of your life in building your career and financial security. I personally feel you owe it to yourself to take care of yourself. There is nothing wrong in placing your mother in assisted living. Many of the facilities are very good places that give their residents a chance to socialize. The only drawback of these facilities to many of us is the cost. If your mother can afford to live in one, it is a very good option. You and your relatives can visit her often, so it is not like you are abandoning her.
Many assisted living communities won't accept a person that cannot use the toilet by themselves. You can check to see if there are any near you that do. It may be helpful to get a social worker by to access your mother's needs and find out what is available, given her health and financial status. Ask your mother's doctor about having a needs assessment done. They can be very helpful.
Criticism from others should go in one ear and out the other.
Good luck!