How to break the news?

xxxxxxxxxx, it's sad that your mom had such a horrible experience. You were right to take her out of there, if after 3 months she was still miserable. It's criminal (literally and figuratively) when staff steal from residents ! And to be bullied and bossed around when they are so vulnerable is inexcusable ! We feel so incredibly lucky that the staff at my mom's AL facility is so kind, generous, and trustworthy. They are so respectful and friendly to my mom; it is a very positive place for Mom to be. She was totally unable to live alone. Now, instead of being 400 miles from me, she is in the next town and I get to see her regularly. That is a key part, too, of a successful AL arrangement. Someone has to be there, dropping at all times of the day and any day of the week, to know what's really going on. I really try to compliment the staff and get to know them all, and their names, so that they know I'm there as part of a team, taking care of my mom with their help.

When my father started falling we had to move my parents into a facility. They are on the independent living side instead of the AL side, but because Daddy is so bad we have hired 1 of the AL people and another woman to help me out in taking care of them. Both of the helpers are absolutely wonderful people (they have become as close as family), the people running the facility are great (1 nurse made the mistake of yelling at my mother when my father fell one day, but she will never make that mistake again), no one has stolen anything and even tho Mama fought us about moving there, I don't think she would want to live anywhere else now. Considering how few services they get that we don't pay extra for, I wonder why the cost is so high, but I also don't worry about their house being broken into or them being hurt by someone. Other than the cost, about my only complaint is the fire drills and my only complaint about them is because my father is now bed bound. I understand why they have the drills, but I think when there are so few bed bound people there, exception should/could be made for a drill.

some people may blend in and enjoy AL , some may truly be better off there if home is inadequate but generally ive seen a total of zero people happy to be pushed around by everchanging often drug and money stealing staff.. my mother spent 3 months in al. the family visits stopped after a month and she sat in her room and cried till i cleaned up her house and brought her home. thats my experience and hers and the concensus of the medical field who are ever changing their services to keep people in their homes. it isnt always possible but noone wants to leave their home if they have a choice..

My mother is in assisted living too- she is in rehab right now but the plan is that she will be back in her apartment in 2 weeks. Please encourage your mom to participate in the activities they offer. Encourage her to meet people there. My mother refuses to participate and lays in bed all day

Thanks for asking, Sympavt! My mom is in assisted living -- right now she is in the memory care section, but they plan to move her to regular assisted living as soon as a room becomes available. She would never admit it, but I think she is happier now. My sister pointed out that Mom is not as afraid and stressed as she was at home. Since I am not the one bossing her all the time, our relationship has improved, although I am pretty sure she literally thinks of me as a little kid -- but that is ok with me. She says she recognizes my voice at the door, but does not really recognize me when I come in. :( I miss her terribly, though, but am out to see her almost every day. She is less than 10 minutes from where I work.

MacMac, how are things going? Is your mom still living with you? Maybe you've gotten some in-home help for her. I hope things are better now.

MacMac I am so sorry that you are having to be the "heavy" in this situation. You know in your heart that your mom needs a lot more assistance than she is currently getting. You are doing all that you can do, so please don't beat yourself up about it (easier said than done, I know.)
I had to bring my mom up to be here close to me after we realized that her dementia was getting worse and she was unable to complete daily tasks on her own. We tried, my husband and I, to keep her in our home, but her night wandering and other issues made it impossible for us to function because we had to get up many times a night to get her back into her room. We looked into hiring help at home, but the cost was very high ($23/hour and a minimum of 12 hours a night). Multiply that times 7 nights a week, or even just a 3 or 4 nights, and it was less expensive to pay a quality assisted living place by the month.
My best advice would be to try to get your mom to look at a few places (try to see them yourself first, so you are taking her to places that you actually would consider placing her in.) Have her be part of the decision making. If she is still able to understand financial information, give her the facts about what costs would be for each solution.
We asked my mom if she would try staying at a facility, after she'd seen it , found it "impressive", and we'd talked about how much it would cost. She agreed. She has been there a month. At first, she cried. She kept asking, "Do I have to stay here the rest of my life?!!", and wondering when she was going to get better and be able to go home. But, gradually, she started feeling better. She has gotten to know some people, she's gotten involved in some of the activities, and she is exercising her muscles and her brain. It's not easy, but it's possible.
Reassure her that you love her. Tell her that you will visit her often and that you will enjoy going back to being her child, instead of her guardian/babysitter/nurse. You can do the fun stuff and get your rest while other people, who are paid to care for her, do the "heavy lifting."
I think that my mother will live longer and healthier because she is in a place where she is well cared for. We see her often and take her to visit her grandchildren and great-grandchildren in the area.
Our parents often have the wrongful idea that we will dump them off at the facility and that they will be left alone for weeks and months on end. That is simply not the case.
Good luck to you, MacMac. Please let us know how it goes.

MacMac, You don't say what your sister's health issues are, but is there anyway that you could play it off that she needs your mother to move over by her to help her? Can your sister handle your mother's medicine so that maybe she could go, even if temporarily, into independent living? She could possibly help with making sure your mom is okay while you work, or maybe you could hire someone to help out. I know the fear of a parent wandering. We were so scared Daddy would get lost or hurt.

MacMac, the following (obviously) depends upon financial resources. But you might want to try having help in home for a while to 'appease' your mom. He/she would assure that meds are given on time (you would have to fill pill dispensers); meals; take Mom for walks, etc. I assume you work and are gone for significant periods of time. Your Mom's finances should pay for these services. I did this for my Mom after I was aware of her increasing confusion. It only lasted 3 months, then I needed her to have a live-in. That only lasted 3 months, then there was a fall, surgery, rehab, etc. At that point, I told my Mom that the doctor wanted her to get more help that rehab couldn't provide. I am sure I am more lucky than most on this site, but my Mom has never questioned it. That was over a year ago. She is in an assisted living place that only takes folks with dementia. Some of the residents are barely having cognitive issues. I feel sorry for them. I feel that my decisions for my Mo were right on time and don't regret any of them. If you are able to stall the move to a facility, your Mom may barely notice or object when it happens. Good luck

Well, I broached the subject with my mom today. She is very upset with me -- claims that I am being influenced by my sister. She does not realize the condition she is in -- her viewpoint is that her health is good other than being a little bit weak. She told me that if I cannot live with her anymore, then it is time for us to part ways. I asked her if she would be willing to have assistance at home, and she said yes -- when the time came for it, and she did not need that kind of help now. We are set to meet with the social worker and physical therapist later this week.
To give an idea of why I worry myself sick over her -- she went for a walk a few months ago and let our dog out. Thing is, we don't have a dog. She insists that we do, and she cannot understand why I don't care more about it. She went out in the neighborhood looking for the dog she was convinced we own. We live on a creek bank with a yard riddled with gopher holes in the back. She could easily fall and I wouldn't know until I came home from work. She is still convinced we owned that dog!
Oh well. Sorry for venting. I don't want to take my mom's house ... I want her to be safe and healthy. I just can't do that for her anymore ...

Wuvsicream -- you have a good point about how I go about telling me mom. If I tell her like it is the end of the world, she is going to react accordingly. If I tell her like this is a good thing for her -- the best option right now -- maybe she will react better. Thanks!

MsDaizy -- It is her home ... I have always lived with her -- never moved out.

I am hoping that she can go into assisted living. In about a week she will be out of rehab -- I am going to talk to the nurse tomorrow morning to get all the details. A few weeks ago the nurse was telling me that there is no way mom can handle her own medication, and she would require home health and some other assistance when she was dismissed.
My sister has had serious, serious health problems (she is in her mid-fifties) and is currently living in the independent section of an senior living facility. Our hope is to have mom there in the same facility.

Okay..so if I might ask? Is she not coming home to her own home? your home? and are they keeping her in the rehab or placing her in a Nursing Home? I know it's a hard thing to do. When the doctors told me that mom had dementia and it was no longer safe for her to be on her own. I didn't know what I was going to do. But I left it up to the doctor to tell her. After that...I would just re-enforce what he said to her over and over again. Finally now that she is here with now for 5 months..she's settled in. Good luck...sending strength and fortitude your way.

MacMac I want to give you words of inspiration to help you through this. You are doing what is best for your Mother. Keep this in mind... She probably knows you better than you know yourself. So look at her tell her you Love her and that she will be OK as long as she knows and trust that you are making sure she is cared for properly. If you know in your heart this is the best for her, tell her with delight, not depression.