How do I handle a discussion with my mom who is extremely upset with her daughters? She feels we are ganging up on her.

Have you had a hospice evaluation. I'm sure the home health aids are fine, but my experience with hospice was wonderful. Mom has conjestive heart failure and they were able to get her meds so well adjusted that now she now longer qualifies. We started home health today. Mom won't get as many benefits, but if or when she again qualifies they will come back and re-access.

Sometimes there is no more you can do. Take a deep breath and let it go. Sometimes we have to accept stuff for our own well being. You've done your best. Hang in there. Hugs. This website will be of comfort and great help for you.

Dear emmurr, my heart goes out to you given all you are dealing with in your own personal health and taking care of your husband because it gives him comfort. Your health is important! I put off taking care of mine for too long and now living with the consequences, maybe for the rest of my life. I too have incredible family issues to deal with at the same time, ugly ones, thoughtless ones, hurtful ones. So you asked where did those beautiful children go whom you bore and loved? I don't know you personally nor your children and this is a broad, sweeping statement but I have been giving it a great deal of thought. It seems there is a generation where many are lacking compassion and empathy and self-sacrifice. They live for themselves at the expense of others and there is greed, jealously, gossip from within the family, the family that I always thought would circle the wagon when help was needed. Well, they are absent and at times, I think it is a blessing because when the kids come around, it takes me weeks to recover from the words and actions or lack thereof during the visit. So, I am deeply sorry that your daughters have taken their issues to the courts to resolve something that you have arranged to be a balanced inheritance for each of them. The lawyers will be the ones that get all the money. I am seriously thinking when the time comes, of spending my money on a very nice retirement home and then changing my plans to give any money that is left to charity. It terrifies me to think about any of them taking care of me, given my insight into their selfish hearts.

Bless the family who can deal with aging parents and not become bound up in emotion and derisiveness.
There are raw emotions, instability and sibling conflict amongst my children now at a time when my husband, (their stepfather,) has been very ill and hospitalized at 94. I have severe eye problems and I am due to have the last in a seies of Avastin shots to the eye to try and stem recurrant WMD. At the same time, I have developed Posner Schlossman Syndrome and have neglected it since I am caring for my husband at home since he is a dear soul and my caring for him gives him comfort.
Now there is rivalry and friction between two of my children (sisters) over who should be in charge of me and a law suit that one of them insituted "for me" several years ago. I have had to take my matters into my own hands now and that has brought more raw emotion from the girls to be expressed even to the point of one daughter offering verbal abuse and bodily harm to me. The rest have taken sides against me with one exception
I see a lawyer's help is indicated for me and my personal handling of the law suit which stipulates that I want no money from it and they (the seven living children, ) all benefit equally.
Where did all those beautiful little children go whom I bore and loved when they were small?
God help us all, both aged parents and good and bad children as well and God help the human heart.

Speak with the aid about your parents. Familiarize her with the situation. I agree, the aid has seen this sort of thing before. I sympathize with you. I have a mother with mild dementia who sees no reason for moving to AL, or having any home help. I stayed strong and got her meals-on-wheels, home help (cleaning, grocery shopping, etc) and the pharmacy fills her daily meds dispenser. She only allows the home helper to do certain things, but the situation is better than it was. Mom's mild dementia does indicate that she should be in AL, but she remains stubborn on the subject. My sister and I have done all we can (live out of state) for Mom and we must be content with that. I agree with your sister. You have retained a home health care aid and done what you can. If they don't want any more help than that, all you can do is be on the sidelines. It's the most difficult thing a child can do, but sometimes our hands are tied. Communicate with the home health aid, and be there for your parents when they are ready for more help. It's all any of us can do when our parents are being "stubborn" about things.

The home health aide must be used to this kind of thing am I correct? I mean they must have seen it all by now. And unfortunately your sister maybe right, in the fact that when someone doesn't want help, what can you do? I guess if it were me, I'd take the aide aside and have a chat with her. Tell her of your concerns and ask her opinion. If your mother is starting to be forgetful, she could very well be getting some dementia etc. so it's a darn good idea that the aide is coming. Your mother's declining memory (and she knows it by the way) is probably what is making her so angry and confrontational too.