What to do with my father-in-law? My marriage is falling apart.

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Mpking Asked January 2013

What to do with my father-in-law? My marriage is falling apart.

I'm 25, married and a mother of two. One is six, one is seven. My husband and I have been taking care of his father who is 65 and has lived with us for the past year. We moved him in with us because he was living 6 hrs away and alone, even though he has fathered 6 kids and been married 4 times. He had quintuple bipass 4 yrs ago when he lived with us before. He has also been a type one diabetic who frequently takes too much insulin, causing him to have reactions. I am the only one who takes care of him, out of some unknown guilt. But I am tired of it. He is capable of doing lots on his own- bathing, making himself food, cleaning, etc. BUT he doesn't. He doesn't bathe daily, he has reactions because he is too busy looking up political propaganda on the Internet, and I am left cleaning HIS pubic hair off the toilet in the bathroom that he and my children ONLY use. I want him out of my house. However, none of his other children want to do anything to help and my husband works in the oilfield so he's always working or tired. It has now caused fights between him and I. My father in law has nothing to his name, except a car I refuse to let him drive. This is because he has had reactions while driving, once he ran through an abandoned(thankfully) house and the vehicle is registered to my husband. We could be held legally liable. He lives off of social security which is only $1200. He wasted all his money on stupid crap and still continues too except for the $300 I charge him in rent. My husband and I have started talking divorce. I love my husband very much but this is not what I want out of life. He cannot afford assisted living, does not qualify for a home because he really isn't in horrible health minus his reactions. I hide in my room to "get away," my kids have said resentful things about our situation. I have no privacy to have any intimacy with my husband. Some one tell me what to do. I'm desperate at this point.

Burnout

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score 1 · Answer 1

Mpking - (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))) I am so happy for you. This is a great solution,.I hope it happens without much drama, and hope your husband is on board with it too.

Keep us updated - prayers for the move to go smoothly.

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score 1 · Answer 2

wow - you definitely don't live in California if the waiting list is only 4 months...haha! ;)

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score 1 · Answer 3

This is very good news indeed, Mpking. I hope this is a great boost to your marriage problems.

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score 0 · Answer 4

It will be in the same town we are moving to so that he can still come visit and such. But this way, he goes HOME. I have to submit his application and there is a 4 month waiting list. But there are also extended stay hotels until it becomes available.

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score 1 · Answer 5

Great news - sounds like the best option for all involved!

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score 0 · Answer 6

Wow! That's great. There is often a waiting list for subsidized housing, so apply immediately! Are you looking for it where you are now or where you are moving to?

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score 3 · Answer 7

We spoke. He will be moving into his own apartment in subsidized housing. It won't be an overnight thing but I am excited that I will get my home back to normal.

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score 1 · Answer 8

Mp - I hope your husband is supportive and the two of you are a united front during this conversation. For your own safety and due to the comments he has already made (whether he was kidding or not) I would definitely NOT talk to him regarding the above without your husband there with you. Good luck!

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score 4 · Answer 9

Well. At this point I am going to have a very long uncomfortable conversation with him of how there is nothing wrong so he has no excuse for the way he has been behaving. He will probably be moving into his own apartment and will not have a vehicle since his is in my name. I'll post whatever becomes of this matter. I am furious since he has ZERO excuses now for his behavior.

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score 1 · Answer 10

Mpking, so what is next? Are you looking for facilities in your next location? Is husband going to support you on this?

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score 2 · Answer 11

No brain damage. No dementia. Nothing came back from his MRI. So he's being cruel and manipulative towards me just to be that way. Awesome.

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score 1 · Answer 12

No, this is definitely NOT the behavior of a diabetic - my mother has been a diabetic for over 40 years and doesn't go around talking nonsense like that! Hard to say if it's just a twisted sense of humor, or if he was being manipulative, but why take any chances? I would just tell him flat out that your family is moving 4 hours away soon - time for him to start looking for a place to live because he is NOT coming with you....bottomline. Good luck...sounds like you're gonna need it.

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score 2 · Answer 13

Mpking- a lot of people on here are in situations that aren't sure how they got in to and don't know how to get out of. I let my MIL move in, and I have known how mean she is for 28 years. What was I thinking. I should have told my husband no, or at least insisted on an upfront plan to have her go to her own place. So, to you. Three things jump out. First, your FIL abused 3 of his children? If so, that would be game over for me. He cannot stay. Your job is to protect your children. Second, he is threatening you. You need to take that very seriously. Lastly, he is 65? You are 26. Are you prepared to do this 20 more years? You are not responsible for him. I would contact social services and find out options for getting him out. I talked with my husband and set a date to get MIL moved by. In my case, she is verbally abusive to my son, which I will not tolerate. In your case, I am worried about the physical danger you and your children are in.

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score 4 · Answer 14

young fathers have a lot of pressure on their backs. compared to the strain of his work and family responsibilities he may feel like your problems at home are petty in comparison . 3 days of caregiving for a cantankerous old man and a couple of kids would probably change his outlook. glad you came to his defense hes probably a hell of a good guy. non caregivers cannot relate to the stress that a servitude caregiver endures even if theyre trying to.. shame you couldnt find a way to trade him places for a few days. hed stick the old guy thru a window probably..

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score 3 · Answer 15

(((((hugs)))) Yes, that is right about fil. My comment about abused women was because these facilities have connections with social services etc and may be able to help you to find your way to getting fil out of your home, I can see that your husband making light of most things has its pros and cons. I am glad you have more confidence in making your voice heard. (((((((hugs)))))

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score 2 · Answer 16

I can see where you are coming from with my FIL "abusive". He's trying to mentally play me, scare me, take advantage of me, etc. My husband does not take almost anything serious which of course has major ups and downs. But hearing from complete outsiders that this situation is as messed up as I thought it was does give me confidence to make my voice heard.

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score 2 · Answer 17

Hi Mpking -want to clarify that in no way am I suggesting that your husband is abusing you. I am suggesting that your fil is abusive, I am old fashioned in my beliefs about marriage too, I apologise if I came on too strong in that regard. It does upset me that your husband makes light of the comment relating to a diabetic that killed family members, and does not support you in your concerns about his father continuing to stay with you. I wish you both well.

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score 1 · Answer 18

Woah. This is not the "help" I was hoping for. Thank you to all who have posted advice on my FIL. I am old fashion in my beliefs when it comes to marriage. My husband does not "abuse" me in any way. No he does not stand up for me against his father due to his issues. However, I need no counseling. I needed advice on the FIL situation. Thanks again to those who provided me with it.

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score 4 · Answer 19

Mpking -your husband is definitely part of the problem as he is denying the effect his dad is having on you and, presumably, your kids. Rather than protecting you, he wants a situation to continue in which you are being emotionally abused, and in potential physical danger. Please contact some professionals as suggested above - Social Services, the county, local Agency on Aging, any sevices to do with abused women will guide you, a therapist, etc and take the appropriate steps. Support is available for women and children who are being abused.This man must not stay in your home. Unfortunately often women are at the "mercy" of their husband's paycheck, but as eguillot says - "There are always options."
Please take some steps to protect yourself and your children. If your husband will chose his father over you and your children, I, personally, don't think the marriage you have is worth it, as he is more bonded to his father than he is to you and your/his children. Perhaps marriage counselling would help him to examine his priorities, However, no one can make those decisions for you, except you.
You said your husband would accept his father being in assisted living nearby. Can that be arranged?
Please let us know how things are going. ((((((((((((hugs))))))))) Joan

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score 2 · Answer 20

I'm sorry, if your husband think it's funny when your FIL makes veiled threats against your family, I see something wrong there, too. I got married at a very young age and was a stay at home Mom. My entire life revolved around him. I was not prepared to support myself and my children, and I didn't have the self-esteem to do so, because my self-esteem was all tied up in what my husband said. Eventually, I grew enough to know that had to change, and it did. I left my husband, worked 3 jobs and went to school, and have now been married to a man who doesn't mentally abuse me. I don't know that your situation is the same, but if you're talking divorce and your husband is not putting you first, and if your husband is laughing when you're scared of a threat, something is wrong, in my opinion. Don't let finances be the only reason you stay with a person. There are always options.

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score 1 · Answer 21

If you already know where you are moving...contact that local senior services group and have help waiting when you arrive. Let them know what is going on and it is imperative that housing be available for him...NOT in your house.

It concerns me that you are so accepting of what your husband decrees. Your husband's job is not more important that what is going on in that household!

Please get some counseling for yourself once you move.

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score 0 · Answer 22

No really it's just simply my FIL that is the problem. If he wasn't in my house, I'd return to being perfectly happy like I was before he moved in. I just have to figure out how to get him out. But it likely isn't going to be in a nice way. He is the root of all my frustration. And I understand that my husband's job is more important than him taking care of this problem. I don't work so it does seem like the best solution if my FIL wasn't the person he is.

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score 3 · Answer 23

Ah. Perhaps your husband and his father should move, and you and your children should stay where you are.

I hope it doesn't come to that, but I think some very serious changes need to be made here. You went from a bad situation in your dysfunctional family, to being a mother while still a teenager yourself. Somehow your husband is The Boss rather than an equal partner. He says you have to take care of his father while he is out in the oilfields and you are just supposed to say OK?

Something is seriously wrong with this picture.

Let hubby and FIL move. When he has FIL situated in a nearby Assisted Living, then pack up the kids and go move in with husband.

Or ... how about some marriage counseling, right now? FIL is only one part of this problem.

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score 0 · Answer 24

I have to move him with. My husband has made it clear that he's only going to be with us or in assisted living close to us. I'm to the point where I'm just at a loss with what my next move is.

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score 2 · Answer 25

If you have diabetes your body doesn't make/isn't using insulin appropriately. There are drugs to help overcome those problems. For some people the drugs aren't enough/don't work. Fortunately -- very fortunately -- medical science has learned how to provide insulin that can be injected into the body. How much insulin? That depends on a LOT of factors. With various tests and by trial-and-error doctors come up with a treatment plan. It is either a set amount of insulin at set times of the day, or a variable amount that is determined by the patient taking a blood sugar reading (finger prick). Taking either too much insulin or too little can cause a reaction. This should happen very infrequently in a cooperative adult who has been trained what to do.

Some people would not be good candidates for monitoring their own blood sugar levels. Certain kinds of mental illness, retardation, dementia ... anything that would interfere with remembering to do things at a regular time and then act on the results would mean the person needs help managing diabetes.

I would talk about how you might help FIL manage his diabetes, but I don't think you should be doing that because I don't think he should be in your home.

You are going to move? Don't even consider moving FIL with you.

Even if your FIL does not have dementia, whatever he does have (including a toxic personality) is Not Your Fault and you must not put your children at risk for his sake.

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score 0 · Answer 26

@jeannegibbs- I was curious as to whether this is problems for a insulin dependent diabetic or if it was so much more. I'm happy to hear that this is not a norm. I've never dealt with a diabetic until him.
The whole situation is completely toxic. And unfortunately we are also about to move 4 hrs away. I'm working with the dr to get him declared with dementia so that I can get him out of my house and in an assisted living center. I've realized that while I have dealt with my childhood issues, my husband has not came anywhere near beginning to handle it. It just sucks because we were so happy before all this. We have been through so much and I would feel like crap to lose everything we have now to his father and this whole situation. His whole family does NOT CARE. I'll let y'all know if it works out. Thank you all for your support. I thought I was out of line in my thinking in this whole situation. It's good to know I'm not alone on my views.

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score 3 · Answer 27

Unfortunately, we women have to take the lead in situations like this. If I were you, I would find myself loving my husband less each time he reacts so casually to the abuse your FIL is sending your way. I would simmer inside and eventually this would erode my marriage. Your husband has no idea because he is a victim of abuse, and probably in denial.
You have two small children, and they come FIRST, not you, not your husband, and certainly not the FIL. Is it beneficial for the kids to be raised in a home filled with supressed anger and unresolved conflicts?
You are in danger, too. Get help for your FIL, then seek counseling. Get those grievances out on the table and get some air. I'm speaking as a woman who was a single mom. If you supress your anger, if you continue with no support, you will put your kids at risk.

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score 3 · Answer 28

Whoa ... I don't care what the MRI says, get that man out of your house.

Where is his gun now?

I am 67 and insulin dependent. If I give myself the wrong amount of insulin I have reactions. Does this mean I should go live with one of my children for $300 a month?!! I don't think so! Maybe there is something else wrong with your FIL. You know what? It's Not Your Fault. You are not responsible for fixing it or putting up with it.

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score 3 · Answer 29

He needs to get out of your house now! After those comments, he would have been out of my house last night. No reason for anyone to live under these conditions. He obviously has serious problems and your husband is putting his family at risk by allowing his dysfunctional father to remain in YOUR home.

No amount of talking is going to change this man. I do recommend you and your husband talk to a marriage counselor. It concerns me that your husband does not appear to take his Father's problems seriously enough.

Good luck and God bless! You have to protect those children and take care of yourself first!

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score 0 · Answer 30

I talked to him last night and set new ground rules for him to follow. We are waiting on MRI results to see if all this is because he was a spoiled child who did whatever he wanted or if he has brain damage from 62 yrs of insulin overdoses (reactions). However, last night after I explained my new rules, he was obviously unhappy. Mainly at the fact that we are getting rid of his car, he isn't allowed to drive and he cannot have his gun in his closet due to safety issues with my two small children. He was extremely mad but knows its this or homeless. So I went into the kitchen and he did as well to start fixing our dinners. He then (randomly) proceeded to tell me about a guy he knew that killed his wife and himself years ago. I asked if he knew why. He responded, "He was a diabetic. His brother did the same thing." Again I asked why. Same response, he was a diabetic. This startled me because while I don't think he was directly threatening me, I do feel he was hinting at the obvious point. My husband who was there when he said these things thought it was funny. And thought I was crazy for being paranoid at the comments. I'm curious of what others think about such odd comments.

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What to do with my father-in-law? My marriage is falling apart.

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