When can my Mom not live alone anymore??

Yes, thanks, Patricia! We are extremely fortunate in our circumstances compared to so many. Right now, my mom's monthly income is about $2,500. She has a bank account with about $40,000 in it and we are preparing to sell her house (which should sell for about $230,000). The cost of her memory-care residence is about $6,400 a month, which includes most everything except medications and supplies (depends, kleenex, etc.). So we have about 4 or 5 years before we'll need more funds to supplement her monthly income. The residence she is at now does not take Medicaid, so when it comes time that she has about a year left of income to live there, we would have to move her into a Medicaid facility in order for Medicaid to kick in. If she is still lucid and doing well where she is now, I would want her to stay there and thus would return to the workforce (which I want to do dearly, but left it nearly 5 years ago in part to assist my parents) to pay the difference. We are fortunate that we can afford to do that (me staying home with kids now and/or returning to the workforce when the time comes).

Thank You Maria for your reassurance!! My Mom does not have any assets and Medicaid will be covering the rest of her care, along with the $1,400 that she recieves for SS. I am wondering why you would have to put YOUR pay towards her. You and your family have to live, too. Thank You, again)

Patricia, your mom and my mom are in similar stages. I assure you it is the right thing to do, both for your mom and yourself. My mom is in a memory-care residence within a larger senior living community. There are 15 residents and a staff of about 5 or 6 during the day and 2 during the overnight hours. Everyone has their own rooms/mini apartments within a larger setting that includes activity room, great room and kitchen/eating area. The memory-care rsidents are free to roam about their house and some of them are able, with volunteers or staff members, to attend events and activities within the complex but outside the secured house. My mom is safe, secure, watched over and equally important, has social interaction and activities throughout the day. Not me, not my sisters, could provide her with the care she is getting. We love our mother, but we would lose our minds and our own families. She needs more attention and activity than we could provide. And we are lucky enough to -- for the next 4 or 5 years -- be able to pay for this care. At a certain point, I will likely return to work full-time and my pay will go directly to my mother's care. Hang in there with your mom and good luck finding a place. I looked at many of them and found one I knew would fit my mom great and it does. We're nearing the 2-month mark and she's content there and really hitting her stride.

I can understand that it is really difficult to let your mom live alone in a senior care community. My grand mother is living in a senior care community named no place like home care and her health has improved after going there.

I want to thank everyone for their unbelievable help and support! My Mom was seen by a Dr. this evening and Dr. has diagnosed her w/ Alz. stage 5 and has said because of mobility issues and Dementia she can no longer be safe at her home or even mine.(she needs to be cared for in a facility that can and will ensure her safety) What a relief....i kept second guessing and feeling guilty, like I was doing some type of sneaky intervention...which, in reality, is not too far from the truth. The reason i had the strength to push forward, is because someone on here said "do not second guess yourself and even if she seems better, move forward, with your plan". That was GREAT advice and Im glad u r ALL here!!! Thank You, again;)

My husband told his mom in a matter of fact, confident manner. She was reassured by his manner more than anything. Of course he had to tell her several times due to her dementia. His confidence and calmed reassured her each time. ( even when it became quite casual on days 4&5.

Thank you Maria 17!! For the hope!! did you wait for your Mom to agree or did you just bring her to the new place?? Is it Assis Living or NH?? Does she have dementia?? Does she know thats her new home?? Have the asses. taking place tommorrow and I am very nervous, yet looking forward to at least knowing whats up and where shes at....so we can move forward;) Then of course Im concerned about what if she fools them etc,,,Thanks to Everyone here!! You are ALL wonderful and I really dont know what id do without you all!!

Let your mom know that you've found a great place for her where she can be comfortable and safe. Let her know you will help her set it up like a small cottage and it will be homey and comfortable. Let her know she can socialize or not, if that's her wish. For me, having my mother in a safe and comfortable place has been a godsend. We're at 6 weeks now and it is going SO well. I couldn't be more pleased with the way my mother has adapted and with the care she's getting.

jeannegibbs just triggered a thought.... when she said have the doctor tell her. My mother always will do anything and is very agreeable when a good looking man suggests anything. If there is someone she has an affection towards it may be easier if he is with you upon first arrival at the new residency.

I wouldn't tell her she is going to "one of those places." I would tell her she is going to Sunny Hills Residential Care (the name of the specific place), and emphasize how awesome this is going to be. Mention some of the specifics there she will like. If her memory is such that she forgets this quickly I think I wouldn't keep telling her over and over. Just make the arrangements and move her. I think you are right not to dwell on her own impairments. After working so hard all these years she deserves to have people available to wait on her, to help her take her meds, to visit with. She deserves to be able to socialize when she wants to and sit quietly when she wants to. After all the countless meals she's made in her life, won't it be nice to have someone else to make all meals, do all the grocery shopping, and do all the dishes? Make it about what she is entitled to and what she deserves, rather than about what she can't do any more.

If possible, the doctor should break the news to her that she should not live alone anymore. Give him or her a note before your mother goes in, listing your specific observations, and asking for a statement that she cannot live alone, if the doctor agrees with that assessment.

Patricia1 ...I have more time now for a full answer. You really need to get her diagnosed, then stableized with meds, routine, diet, exersize (not a workout just mild movement or walks) , the behavior you mentioned and what she is seeing, is quite common with dementia. Has she been taking any medication? If so who is making sure she's taking them properly? The point I am getting at is it is better to have her behavior stabilized before she is moved anywhere and it will be easier for her to adjust. It takes a while if all those things are in order before you'll see any change. You see she is already confused and in and out of reality moving her will be stressful, change causes stress and depression and this adds more confusion.
If it is possible try to do this first. It is usually pointless to talk on a reality level with anyone with dementia, if they do understand during the conversation they with either forget a few moments later or obsess and stress about it, or get angry at you but forget why. You really can never tell what reaction your going to get, stable or not. That is why I suggested earlier in a post just do what's best for her, it's 1 in a million your going to get the reaction you want. I call it "need to know basis" I tell Mom what she needs to know. If it's any relief my Mom adjusted well and thinks she's having parties every day and she's at work. Except when I come it's ice cream break time!!!
P.S. there are better times of the day to have conversations with my Mom it's 2:30 pm - 3:30 pm Keep us posted and remember it's the best thing for her and you.

i guess another question i have is i think it will be sad if i say you have to move because you cant do this, this and this, anymore...so do i just tell her Im worried about her and want to help her ??

I't is best in most case to not think of it as an ask or tell situation you really need to do what is best for her, From your post it sounds like what you tell her is not going to really matter she either will not remember or if you do tell her it might bring on a stressful reaction for both of you. If you want to gently tell her make it sound like she's getting the royal treatment she'll have it easier. She may not seem like she's going to understand but believe me emotions penetrate thru dementia.

I was short with my posts because I was hoping you were still here and didn't want to lose you because I have long answers.

thank you for your answer ,but she clearly cant live alone in her apt. Not at all steady on her feet, calls and leaves rambling messages about why Patty hasnt come home from school, im Patty, Im 52. The reason for the Dr. doing the assessment is so I can get her in a place, where shell be safe and comfortable. Question: how do i tell her she is going to "one of those places"??

Your concerns are familiar to many of us here. You have the first steps in order bills/money issues and then health concerns, proper diagnosis.

Putting an exact label on the stage is not the important thing. If she is confused most of the time, doesn't recognize you, hallucinates, and can't express herself coherently I think she is not safe to be alone, with only every-other-day visits. At the very least she needs daily in-home care.

Can she get her own meals? Does she remember to? How about toileting? Bathing? Any problems with swallowing? Is she steady on her feet? Can she dial a phone? Does she have a medical alert button? Would she remember to use it in an emergency? Think about these and other activities of daily living, and bring a list with you to the doctor appointment.

Fluctuations in cognitive levels can be very frustrating for caregivers, but I think you have to gear her care for her worst times.

I hope the doctor can provide some answers.

hi patricia1 you came to the right place!