Mom supports my adult brother financially and is her POA. He's draining her funds, what can I do?

Sounds like my deceased brother, but since you do not say your mother has dementia, she has every right to handle her own affairs. Since you have washed your hands of handling her estate unless it is as YOU want it, I say let your mother and your brother live in peace, and you stand the heck away from them unless you want to. You cannot change this mother/son relationship. Don't you know by now mothers and sons bond more, and dads and daughters bond even more. There is nothing you can do about it, so keep your husband happy by paying attention to him.

where does one file a fiduciary elder abuse report?

It is so sad to think that in the last round of your parent's life this is what is happening.

I just finished having a heavy sobbing session because my mom has been in ICU for eleven days while her heart heals. They took her off of the sedatives 3 days ago and she is not waking up.

The last thing we are thinking of is her money. We would be happy if she would just wake up and spend it all on herself.

yes - check with adult protective services about parents and other adults who might be abused

I agree with Jeanne... it is not your problem. Your mother has made her choices, and offered the olive branch to you in form of Co-POA. I understand that partnering as POA is not a tenable situation. Mother has let brother's behavior continue his entire life. It is NOT going to change now... especially since she is sponsoring his behavior.

I wish you the best of luck! I'm sorry you have to deal with this problem.

1. Your brother has been stealing from your mother since he was a teenager. Your mother has allowed him to get away with it all this time. Do not expect a change.
2. There is no legal requirement that a parent treat all children equally. Most parents strive to do this, but they are not required to. Equal treatment is never going to happen in your family.
3. Turning down the dual POA role was wise. In general, naming two people to the role of POA is a disaster waiting to happen. In particular, naming you and your brother as co-POAs is a certified disaster already underway. What are the chances the two of you would ever agree to what is in Mother's best interest? Or that he would abide by decisions anyway?
4. There may be some value in filing an fiduciary elder abuse report, especially if you can give specific examples of misuse of funds. On the other hand, I'm not sure what will happen when Mothers says, as she will, "oh, I told him to take that money. I wanted him to have it."
5. You are right. If Mother ever needs a care center she will be in a world of hurt. This is going to sound callous, but it is Not Your Problem. She doesn't have enough money to self-pay for the facility? Not Your Problem. You are not required to rescue her financially. Medicaid approves her application but applies a penalty because there is so much money she can't account for? Not Your Problem. You are not required to pay for her care during the penalty period.
6. Life is Short. Don't spend yours dealing with this crap. You have made honest attempts to steer your mother away from a self-destructive path. Move on with your life. Save up money for your own old age. Enjoy your life to the fullest.
7. Don't punish your mother. She's setting up punishment enough for herself. Continue to help her out when she asks. Be pleasant. Let her know how much you love her. Just remember that if she has to someday face the consequences of her decisions, it is Not Your Problem.

What an awful situation you are in.

I am very sorry about what is going on. I too had the same issue going on with my brother. It is always important to remember that it is your Mom that is being abused. She is being taken advantage of because(just as my Mom did) does not want to be alone and will have those that they love stay with them, not matter at what cost. This is upsetting and Adult Protective Services, the Police, and possibly attorney's need to get involved so that she is not being taken advantage of, especially if she is not being treated respectully and at risk of possible neglect (be it lack of socializtion, proper medical attention, and finanical ruin).
I went through the EXACT same situation happen a couple of years ago.

My husband and I got the police involved, went to see an attorney and had them welfare checks. I had them( my brother and his drunken girlfriend) eventually kicked out my notice of police, and had them realize that the money they took out of her bank(her life savings) would be considered theft if they did not return it.

Get others involved. You need assistance to help with your Mom from being committed to the fact that she feels this is the best for her. She deserves better and so do those that genuinely care for her.

Good Luck and all the best

I went through this same scenario with a parent. Try to continue to gently "coax" your mom into changing her POA. It will be hard because she is probably afraid of your brothers reaction if he finds out. Calmly continue to bring up the subject of a change in POA. It is a hurtful thing to see your loved ones money just taken like that. Have POA papers with you at all times in case she has a sudden change of heart. Good Luck. Also check out elder abuse agencies is your area.

Reading these stories on this website make me believe that we are not in a place between heaven and hell. We are living in the latter. As the common saying goes "Hell on Earth." There is another popular saying "Life is Short," and it is. And we spend it dealing with this crap? So many issues, so much anxiety and so much pain. Why? Because we let our situation control us. The reality is we utlimately have control over our lives and what we feel. I hope I will learn that before I am on my own death bed, and think, "What a schmuck I've been to do this to myself."

PS. the same thing happened to a friend of mine. Her brother took everything, the parents lost their house and my friend had to obtain guardianship after everything was gone and her parents had to go into a medicaid assisted nursing home when they became ill. Her mother just passed and there was no money for burial and the remaining siblings had to come up with the cash for the funeral. Take action now....

Call your local area on aging and file an fiduciary elder abuse report and they will assign an investigator (usually lawyers) and your brother will have to answer to where the money is being spent and all bank accounts will be looked at.

Since you denied co-sharing the POA with your brother, you really do not have a say. If your mother has deeded her house to him, that is her right. If she continues to "take care" of him, that is also her right. Having him for company sounds like it is enough for your mother, and at this point all you can do is be supportive of "HER" decisions. It is her money, her house, and her life. Do not worry now about what may or may not happen in the future. All you can do is be a good daughter, help her when SHE asks, and leave the two of them alone. I know this will be hard for you, but you already made that decision when you refused co-partnership with your brother. Seems to me you are cutting your nose off to spite your face about your brother and your mother is the one who will suffer. Forgiveness goes a long way dear one.

My sister and I have almost the same problem with our brother. He hasn't worked in almost 10 years yet continues to live with our parents. He has a car, cell phone, gas card, clothes, car insurance and lives free of charge. He doesn't have health insurance so anytime there is anything wrong (he is a hypochondriac) all trips to the emergency room are paid cash by mom. Mom has a pension and social security, my Dad has only social security. Until last month, my dad, (At 86 years old) was going to work every day to provide for my brother) My brother says he does not work because he is bipolar. He has been seeing the same psychiatrist for about 15 years. (all paid for in cash by Mom). The doctor has not done anything to prepare my brother for life without mom and dad, nor has he encouraged him to apply for welfare. When my parents die, my brother will be out on the street yet he does nothing to prepare himself for this situation. i believe this is unethical on the doctor's part but with the HIPPA, we are not allowed to speak to the doctor. I wanted to write him a letter but my mom refuses to give me the doctors name. My brother has a terrible temper and we think my parents are actually afraid of him. Neither of us live in town so we aren't sure what is actually going on. My sister went to an attorney who specializes in elderly problems and she was basically told that as long as my parents are giving him money and allowing him to live there, there is nothing that can be done. We have tried talking them into making one of us have POA but they are afraid of giving up their independence. Their financial advisor told them if they continue spending the way they are, supporting our brother, that they will run out of money in about 2 years. yet he continues to have a car, cell, internet access , free medical care etc. . Since our Dad was forced to retire, their money problems have become very serious. I know this is financial abuse and believe there is also mental abuse here. The biggest problem is that my parents will deny that there is anything wrong. ( they say It would be too embarrassing)
We all have similar problems here but there don't seem to be any answers for us. Attorneys-social workers-Guardian elder abuse who can and will actually help??.

Do not do what we did, and try to deal reasonably, and kindly in a 'Christian' manner.
Simply go to the Police.
When elderly people go in that dark place between dementia and not, which seems unrecognised by every authority, they get 'used'. ALERT, ALERT, AND ALERT!
Before it is too late.....

I live with and care for my mother, and my sister, who does absolutely nothing to help me or our mom out, has accused me of the same thing, so obviously, I read your post with some caution. But then again, I don't have a 'rap sheet' and don't financially feed off my mother. If what you say is true, then spend some money (well worth it) and speak to an attorney, but the bottom line is that there is probably nothing you can do about it. He is your brother, your mom's son, and as unfair and even evil as this situation is, probably nothing can be done about it. Your mom is willing to make that trade-off with being used by him as long as she is not alone, and he knows it. I guess the only thing you can actually do is somehow make peace with it, and move on with your own life.

Wow Always Busy, There is a lot more to my story than I said, up until January, 30 I was still caring for mom and two sisters but the sister I was talking about has twisted everything around , I am still in shock as to how she got me out and her in. The things I am most worried about is she physically abuses my autistic sister mentally & physically, it just kills me to know I am not there to protect her anymore, I've been pretty much homeless since Jan 30 , living in my Kia Sorento & motel rooms I can afford. I am disabled & have pacemaker my husbands disabled to, but I will do anything I have to so it will stop. I've never been in this position in my life. Tomorrow We've got to try to find a place to stay & I will call STOP GUARDIAN ELDER ABUSE Thank You :-)

In my case the lawyer hired by x-sister is the corrupt party as well as x-sis. They both collaborated to isolate only one of moms money market accounts and only submitted that money market account deliberately making mom fraudulently look poorer than she is so mom would be thrown in the worst possible nursing home imaginable while x-sis went on a real estate shopping spree for herself and her x-husband he since croaked. He's was the mastermind of this plot. Anyway I'm writing a book and exposing everyone and every situation as I documented this for eight years. It destroyed my life because of the cruelty and extreme GREED! My story will be a real eye opener about this Elder Financial Abuse. The state of Florida is ignoring every request I submitted to get action on this including the contact I made with the Attorney Generals offioce as a matter of fact the state of Florida is allowing this monster to actually volunteer in a hospice. I feel she is scouting out her next victim as she has no remorse or emotions. She is living a double life and bought up over a million dollars worth bof properties. The abuse doesn't seem real. But it is so real. You can't believe there aren't better laws to protect against this horrible plot. Lawyers don't seem to want to end this because in my opinion they are making fast easy money. The lawyer x-sis hired stated she didn't do an asset research. Well if she did that than 100% of the abuse would not have occurred because she would've seen a huge withdrawal of $63,000 four months prior to this visit with this atty and another one for $25,000 two years prior to that. Oh these creeps go to town thinking they deserve everything. So sorry for this document everything go to the police file reports. Get an Obudsmen. Scream loudly and don't stop. Contact Stop GuardianElderAbuse.org check on google. Demand someone help you and threaten every single person that if their help fails that you are documenting their names. I wish I would've done all that now. I was in total shock and every lawyer and every situation I did failed. Try everything you can to get the power of attorney away if you can talk to your mom till she's blue in the face. Best of luck. I'll be praying. XXOXOXXOXOOO

It sounds like the same thing my sister has been doing for the past 7+ years to my 89 year old mother also to my two adult disabled sisters & my younger brother until he passed away in July/ 2012 & she wasn't even living with them. I took care of all of them almost 3 past years, never asked for any pay wouldn't have felt right about taking their money. My sister Makes our mother pay everything from her rent to her food , makeup, pocket money, she hasn't worked in 10+ years. I've turned her into the OIG ( Office of Inspector General) its a crime, put a stop to it I wish I had done it along time ago. Its Elder Financial Abuse ! Good Luck :-)