Mother refuses medical care...what do I do?

The law allows mentally ill adults the choice as to whether to take their medication, an elderly adult with dementia should have the same rights. If they became a physical danger to themselves or others it would be different. The elderly do have the right to make their own medical choices if they have the mental capacity to do so. Dementia and alzheimer does not necessarily make a person incapable of making medical choices.

need comfort, I understand this my Mom tells me that alot too... She is a woman with a strong faith, and then talks about being alone... We actually put my Mom on a very mild or lose dose anti-depressant. It has seemed to help. I will be very quick to tell you she does NOT know what it is, or she would NOT take it!... I feel quilty somewhat but it does seem to be helping!!!

I have this same problem, Mom will not go to a doctor. She's moaning and groaning in her sleep, so loud it wakes me. This a.m., I saw blood on the floor, not alot of blood. She's also talking in her sleep..."I'm sick of this". My Handsome Kitty died Dec 2nd 2012, my little girl baby Tweety died last Sunday. I still feel peaceful, the Lord is with me, but I also feel broken in two. Love hurts that's for sure.

I have had this issue with my Mom. She is extremely stubborn and does what she wants when she wants for the most part. My Father passed away 2 years ago. Not even 2 wks after Dads death Mother had a heart attack. She still denies it, and we have sadly had difficulty getting her to take her medication. She does not accept that there is indeed things wrong. I think you have to encourage her and try to reason with her and I know this is a challenge. I finally got the Dr to just tell her to take her meds. Mom has dementia too. Maybe the Dr could talk to her. We finally put my Mom on a very mild anti-depressant. It seems to have helped some HOWEVER she does not know what she is taking and would not if it was up to her. I fill her medication and for right now she is taking it fairly well. How old is your Mom??? Is it possible that she is just done, really tired and does not feel she can fight anymore??? Please take care...

konacaregiver touches on a valid point - it may become necessary to "pick and choose" which meds you even try to get down. For example, mom's cholesterol med was one Dad and I decided she could probably stop. I also agree that our elderly are often over medicated to their detriment.

well,I got the doc to take a sample...just brought the cup home.It was awful looking.we shall see.She is not doing well today.:(

Why do doctors want to prescribe different anti-psychotic medications for the elderly? It's really experimentation - just maybe they will find one that improves the elderly persons "mood". Ask for a list of the meds they are trying, then read the side effects from those meds. Some of them are awful - which could explain why your Mom behaves as she does. I cared for my father-in-law for eight years - he had basal cell carcinoma (skin cancer on his ear). Half of one side of his face was missing as the cancer spred. It was horrible and Dad did not like to keep a bandage on it. To a stranger it was truly a shocking sight. He would let me bandage it when we went out. At home I did what he asked and didn't push him. Insisting he take or do something only seem to make the situation worse; which just didn't seem logical. I talk to many people with elderly parents and the words "grumpy or stubborn" always seem to come up. Try to remember your Mom before she became ill; be kind to her. Cry when necessary. I am sure your Mom wants to cry too. Play her favorite music, softly. Read to her. Perhaps she enjoys talking about "the old days". Even if it doesn't make a lot of sense, let her talk. Share in the conversation, even if it seems a little weird. Do all that you can to make her remaining years as peaceful and pleasant as possible. I am telling you this so you will be a peace after your Mom passes. You do not want to look back and wish you had been nicer, or done something better, etc. You and your Mom are in my prayers and I hope you find the strenght from faith to care for your Mom in the best way possible. God willing we will all live to be "elderly" and hopefully our senior years will be good ones; but there are no guarantees.

sounds just like mine.You need a hug.♥

I feel your pain! I have a 92 year old mother who has dementia, hardening of the arteries, and has had several small strokes. She ended up in the emergency room a week ago with her electrolytes all mesed up, her potassium level was at the danger level, too low. This was all from her not wanting to eat or drink! In her mind this makes her sick. When at the hospital for 4 days and on fluids by IV, she still did not eat hardly any of her food. The whole time at the emergency room and in the hospital she kept telling me she wanted to die. She will tend to do this when she can't get her way! The dementia has caused her to do things like try to make a phone call with the remote control, hide things and not remember where she put them such as her keys in the refrigerator. She went to use the iron one day and tried to put egg beaters into the holes on the bottom of the iron! The Dr. said she needs 24 hour care & cannot be alone anymore and had me move her to a nursing home from the hospital. This was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life!! The Dr said if I tried to take care of her myself it would drive everyone in my family crazy and cause my marriage to possible be in trouble because dementia only gets worse. Well, now I have to face my mother being furious with me for putting her there, even though it is the best place for her. Every time I visit with her (which is almost every day) all she talks about wanting to go home to her place! She doesn't seem to understand that 24 hr care will end up being even more exspensive than a nursing home. So what can I tell her. The nurses say to ignore her, but how can I when all she talks about is this and then starts with the "I want to die bit and that she prays every night that she won't wake up. If she keeps up with that thye will probably send her to a psych hospital! I couldn't live with myself if they did that. When I am with her I feel guilty because I am neglecting my family, when I am home I feel guilty because I am not with her because I know when I go back up there she will make me feel that way! So, I feel for you and will pray for you and your mom!

my mother is not on any drugs at all.

Mstone55 makes a very good point. A lot of times the behavior is triggered by those prescribed drugs. Just because the doctor is not informing you of all the side effects does not mean that your elderly parent is not having them. Doctors are famous for ignoring side effects and when it comes to female problems like UTI's, many male doctors are clueless that older females frequently suffer from UTIs and that they should always order labs to check their urine. I would say that if your mom is on more than one prescribed drug then I would definitely take a look at the drugs and determine which ones to wean her off from. For one thing, there are no clinical trials for elderly people that indicate that most prescribed drugs are beneficial for them. Most studies are done on much younger people and then they extrapolate the results to make them fit the elderly which is very dangerous for the elderly. Another thing is that most clinical trials are short term maybe up to 5 years but usually never for a lifetime which means again that a lifetime of taking these drugs is very harmful for the elderly. Also, all clinical studies indicate that ALL women do not benefit from cholesterol-lowering drugs and further research indicates that it causes dementia, muscle weakness, congestive heart failure, diabetes, etc. This is a very dangerous drug that our parents DO NOT NEED. Also, FYI, cholesterol is not the cause of heart disease. We need our cholesterol to survive especially as we age. Sugar is a direct cause of heart disease but drug companies only get rich by pushing lies and drugs on you. Most drugs taken on a long-term basis disrupt the natural process of the cells and this can be very harmful for an elderly person and could be causing them a lot of discomfort that most of you are experiencing via their anger. Always remember, good wholesome foods (organic, non-gmo, etc) are way better "medicines" than any of those prescribed drugs.

It is also very important that her rights are taken into consideration. If she feels violated she will realize that maybe she is being bossed around...........Myabe you should not stress too much about it, then she will understand that she is not doing something that is very important, and then get on board...........She might just want to be in control..........holding on to her free will!

I would think if your mom is homebound and needs an injection, she could qualify for home health which medicare will cover. My mom has started refusing her meds more frequently now, it is frustrating, but you can't force them down her throat! Dad just tries to be creative, and tries again. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. This happens commonly in nursing homes, so don't take it personally.

I've seen numerous posts elesewhere on this site which explain that UTIs can cause confusion among the elderly. I guess it's quite common. So, I don't think the "free will" approach is in play yet.

Perhaps you could call her doctor's office and explain the situation to them...needs to be checked but won't cooperate Perhaps they would have some suggestions or can offer assistance. Is there a friend or family member your mother trusts and would listen to? You could approach them about speaking with her. Also, there may be an organization near you that could offer help such as your Area Agency on Aging, Adult Day Care/Elder Care programs/facilities. While they may not be able to respond to your dilemma, they may know of someone who can. For instance, some communities have in-home nursing visits available for senior citizens and/or the handicapped.

I hope you get some answers and help and please keep us informed of your situation. I wish you the best...

I am going through al the same issues. The guilt associated with being a caregiver overwhelmes me so much of the time. Watching my Mom turn into a difficult, un-happy, un-healthy, un-motivated person tears me down. I've tried being sweet and encouraging and I've tried being firm, but nothing makes my Mom take her meds the right way and keep her Doctor appointments. It is so nice to know that other people have similar difficulties. -Sherri

Thanks everyone.i am still trying to get her there,I cannot carry her to the car,and if anyone has ever grown up with an angry parent,they will understand.She has always had that kind of personality and dementia has not improved her mood.we are trying to get help in the house,a visiting nurse would be fantastic.

It is a struggle...mom has at times refused to take her meds. Depending on what it is I just let it go for one time...I can't force her to swallow them if she doesn't want to. I am getting her in to a doctor who actually deals with the elderly and dementia-just found out the doctor she currently sees is only a family physician! Just goes to show you have to research everything yourself and don't take any one else's word for things. Anyway, I intend to talk to him about this very thing...mom is on a lot of meds and I sometimes wonder how many of them she really needs at this point. She is 83 with high blood pressure, type II diabetes, cholesterol issues...but when is enough, enough. Sometimes I think she would be better off without some of this stuff. Hopefully the doctor can help me out with some of these questions. Good luck to you...ours is not an easy road.

You might be able to treat your mother for her problems by getting the right supplements and having her eat the right kinds of foods. Yes, and pernicious anemia is due to low Vitamin B12. If you go to the Medicinenet.com website, there is a good article about B-12 and pernicious anemia. You want to get the B-12 methylcobalamin because it is most absorbable. Same goes for UTIs. You want to prevent them from developing into sepsis and the way to do it is having your mom take a d-mannose supplement. Dr. Mercola has a good article on UTIs and d-mannose. Also take a good probiotic as this helps strengthen the digestive system and build up the good bacteria that is killed when people take too much prescribed antibiotics. Do your research. Not everything needs to be handled in a doctor's office.

Id say have a competency test done on her. if she passes then you have documented proof and then keep doing your best. Growing tired and rdy for it to end does NOT make you incompetent. but as a caregiver you do need to make sure anything or decisions made are documented and out in the open -cause when death occurs all bets are off on the way family ( who didnt help at all) and the rest of the vultures will try to crucify you. have her tested and all records in order. then do whats best. and keep tuned into here-these are GREAT people and have helped me and will help you.....

This kind of anemia effects their mood. My Mom has it,and I could tell if she had her shot or not. Now she takes a tablet that goes under her tounge, no more shots. Ask her doc about this. Mom is 93 today and a bunch of people will be there for a party.

The truth is there really isn't much you can do until a "crisis" occurs and she is hospitalized. My mom (who's 75 and lives alone since my dad died in 2009) spent over a year suffering from increasingly distressing hallucinations and delusions. It got to the point where she wasn't sleeping at night because she would get up to yell at the "people" having parties in the basement or to look for the cat her brother and his family (who live in Europe) had kidnapped. It was HORRIBLE. But she refused to go to the doctor because there wasn't anything wrong with her - all these people just needed to leave her alone. I talked to doctors, police, community services people, everyone I could think of. Eventually she had some issues walking (sat and slept in a chair for a week and couldn't get up) and the ambulance was called. She's now been in the hospital over 2 months as they try different antipsychotics. She can't walk or transfer alone but wants to go home because her imaginary husband (not my dad, someone new and completely made up) will help take care of her. She hasn't been declared incompetent yet as they are trying to find meds that will help....
But ya, there isn't much you can do I don't think. It's such a bad situation to be in - I felt completely helpless. I guess you could talk to someone about having her declared incompetent (not sure who, I guess start with her family doctor), but unless she's been diagnosed with dementia, I'm not sure how easy that would be (or if it's even reasonable to do that at this point). Do you feel like she's a danger to herself or others?
Oh - the other thing is that UTIs can cause or exacorbate symptoms of dementia. If she has a UTI it could definitely make her seem more confused than usual.

This is a tough one and I have seen people handle it differently. My SIL's Mom has cancer of the optic nerve and refused treatment for it. She has dementia (severe) and they opted to only do palliative care. She has survived 7 years with it.
My Mom has dementia and wasn't taking her meds properly-she was taking them 2 -3 a day because she forgot she took them. I had to bring in someone M-F to stay a few hours and give her the meds. All Mom does is complain that she doesn't need any help and can take her own meds etc. Even when I explain this is what the MD ordered -we have this discussion several times a week. It does wear you down. I want to spend time with my Mom but its hard when that is all she wants to talk about. Be strong and do whats right with their wishes a consideration.

Dealing with a parent with Dementia is difficult at times. I have found that positive speaking will make things very smooth. Such as saying that the doctor wants to see her as an example of good health to others. Then what needs to get done will get done at the office. But I have found that Dementia is like a magnate,it will gravitate to positive but will go negative because of the way the thought process of Dementia patients. The UTI's have a major and I cannot stress enough, of the effect that UTI's have on your Mother's behavior. And also their are some infections that can last months. To this you must let the Doctor know it is not working .Find a doctor who is caring or be more assertive with the one you have. Caregiving is an exhausting,thankless job and if you desire for your mother to live as good a quality life as you can,then you must work at it like a 9 to 5 job. But I might add,take a break and breathe. You will not be any good to your Mother if you are so tired and worn out that you cannot make a good decision. Dont waste energy arguing and fighting with your Mother. Be gentle and positive and see how things go.

I totally agree with Klig281 doctor, don't worry about her not taking her meds. There is so much we as care givers can do. When someone has dementia/Alzheimer's they tend to focus on one thing and medicine seems to be it because that is what they see more often. My Mom would tell me that I was over medicating her. So every week I would take out her medicine containers and ask her if she needed this with an explanation of what it was for. She thought she needed all of them but then again she would start telling me that I was over medicating her. So again we would go through each one and I would ask her which one she wanted to stop taking. Finally at my wits end, I told her to have someone else to do her medicine so my older sister did--when she was around--and low and behold my Mom never did question her...go figure.
Crying does help but it also gives you a head ache:-). Hugs

I have to agree w/ Sankey. It would be like telling a two year old, "Ok, if you don't want to take your medicine, don't take it." They don't have the sense or ability to know what's right or wrong anymore I'm tempted to take this stance w/ my Mom sometimes, when she argues about ridiculous things. Like, "I don't have to wear socks w/ my shoes or put gloves on.....I never do!" It's 18 degrees outside, and I get sick of arguing, and sometimes I feel like just letting her see for herself once she gets out and suffers the freezing temps. But I know that's just out of frustration of arguing w/ someone who just can't "get it." So I always insist, and suffer through the whines and pouts. Little kids, at times!! It's exhausting. It's tempting to just let them have their way.

To daughter22moms, Your correct except for one thing free will no longer comes into play with dementia. Caretakers do the best they can to make sure there love ones are cared for properly desipte there irritational thoughts.

I agree with letting them choose, i am just wondering if i could be held liable for Elder abuse?

Even though she is elderly, she still deserves respect and the right to make decisions about her own body. Free will is a basic human right.

That is a tough one, short of having her declared incompetent I don't think you can force them to do anything. That probably wouldn't solve your problem. Even of she were to see the Dr. unless they put her in the hospital, she probably wouldn't take her meds.

My mother refused to take all her prescribed meds, just the ones she deemed important. She left out the blood thinner that helps keep her from having another stroke. When I told the Dr. she was not taking it, he informed me that was her choice and to quit worrying about it, no one could force her. I told her I wished she would be reasonable and take her meds, but if she wouldn't I was through talking to a wood post and whatever happened was her own damn fault.

She didn't take them for months, then one day said she thought it might be a good idea. Go figure.

Take a break from worrying and know you've done everything you can do! Sometimes crying helps, I had a good one a couple of days ago.