What do you do when your 89 year old mother refuses everything?

Joanne123, this is Not Your Fault. Dementia is a disease, not a punishment.

I am sorry that you promised her never a nursing home. None of us can foresee what will be the best course of action in the future, and eliminating an entire category of options is usually a mistake. The situation has changed. It is OK to do what is best for her, even if it technically against a promise made without all the facts.

Will Mom need Medicaid to be able to afford placement? How is the HHA being paid now? If Medicaid is required, get started on that application now.

It sounds like what Mother needs is dementia care. And even with HHA help it sounds like that is more than you can provide. Listen to her doctors.

Hi Joanne here. I am a burnt out caregiver with no support, no family other then my mother and my little pooches. I was beyond myself about a month ago. My mother who has dementia/Alzheimers? could not get up from her bed and could not walk. It happened so suddenly. I felt terrible, thought that this was the end. Felt sad, even though sometimes I wish it was the end. I rolled my mother on the rollator to the ER, took a cab, found out there were no fractures, no broken bones. 2 days later after an awful cough and a fever got hold of her, I called EMS and got her to the hospital again. I fought with the doctors to give me antibiotics and forget about tests for the flu, etc. We received the Z pack and left. She is back walking now and gets up out of bed like a 25 year old. But I am so burnt out. I have a HHA 12 hours a day. I work from home, so I am around this once loving beautiful mother for 24 hours, 7 days a week. She is getting worse, memory is failing fast (don't know if it from the Ambien she takes at night),does not read anymore, does not like TV, is angry and mean the majority of the time. She was seeing a psychiatrist due to her outbursts, but now I can't get her to go anywhere. She walks downstairs with a lovely HHA and curses at her in public. She is so miserable, but wants to live. I am afraid to go to a restaraunt with her for fear of outbursts. I promised her never a nursing home, have tried to find assisted living facilities, but all were too expensive. I feel like I am stuck for life. I have no life, no life. I did this to myself. I saved her from a disaster with my brother who doesn't call her. She has grandchildren and great grand children who do not keep in touch with her. My mother is miserable, wants to sleep in the day and up at night. It's killing me, literally because I work full time and don't get much sleep. the only peaceful time is when she is sleeping. Every doctor we have gone to told me to place her. I can't, but I feel like I'm slowly dying and I am too young to die. Just really don't know what to do. BTW, she won't go to a day center, won't go anywhere. My mother's life consists of eating, sleeping, and going to the bathroom. She does play cards sometimes. Is this my fault, should I get her into someplace where there are people her age, should I place her even though she has a living will that never a nursing home and I promised her just that. I feel guilty, feel like I should be doing more things with her. I'm getting tired, so very exhausted, never happy anymore.

thanks, currently have dr. setting her up with two sessions a week with a geri psychiatrist to see if they can help her with medication...then hopefully be able to place her in a NH with dementia care. she has funds but only enough to support her in an AL with dementia care for about a year. I don't think she should move twice as once her funds are gone they do not accept Medicaid. I told the Dr. that after her evaluation and it is time to place her, I want their help in doing so....she will fight me.....it is sad.

Joanne, Gayle, these are all classic alz. dementia scenarios. I have been caring for Mom for 5 years now and have seen it all. If you have no one to help and no funds to pay for help, then placement is best. Check for area elder services, or your local senior center. They can be the best resource for information.
The proper medications can also help with the anxiety, depression and hallucinations that are a part of this disease.
Good luck to both of you!

I also have been struggling with trying to get my 95 year old aunt placed in a proper facility ..she has dementia, is currently in ALF, they say she has to move, as she is wandering at night, and is clearly not suited for this facility any longer,but other facilities will not take her against her will, even when she is diagnosed with dementia!. If she is combative or non compliant they say she will have to go to a geri-psychiatric hospital for observation first, then be placed. Her Dr. is going to get her a psych evaluation and see if they can medicate her so she is not as combative, confused and having hallucinations. I am at my wits end.