Is it common for elderly to be mean to the daughter that takes care of her?

gsw, if I tell father that, he would get angry and say that I'm disrespectful and then call his siblings and the home care people, etcc about how disrespectful I was. Unfortunately, our culture raised us to respect our elders - no matter what. Even if they're wrong. We must always show respect. Us girls were catering to our older brother. When he got married,we also catered to his wife. We got their plates and put food on it and served it to them. We washed their clothes. Then oldest sis, who fled home at age 18, came back from the states. When she saw what was happening, she blew a gasket. She educated us younger girls on women's lib and that our oldest brother's wife is the one who is suppose to cook for him, serve his food and wash their own clothes. Not us teenage girls. He's our married brother - his wife should be taking care of him. Father has always been like this.

Hi Bookworm. My Mom is the very same to me. she lashes out at me, but isnice to everyone else. This makes me think she can be nice to me, too, but chooses not to be. she lashes out at my sister, though, too, when she was taking care of her. It's whoever is NOT with her, is the one she wants to be with. No one is doing anything for her - except give up a normal life to take care of her. She lives with me right now, and no matter where she is, she is not happy. This is not a new phenomena. She's never been content, but dementia has exascerbated it. If your Dad was treating you like that 23 years ago, that's not a good sign. We also "teach people who to treat us", and I am learning to tell her that this will NOT work out if you keep treating me badly. She says she doesn't realize it, and thanks me for telling her, but then she repeats over. I am looking for other alternatives for her living arrangements, since if she isn't happy here, she might as well be unhappy somewhere else and let me have a little joy in my life. Good luck.

my mother sleeps during the daytime and is usually up all night. i lie in bed feeling empathy for the medco pharmacist . hes the only poor sap you can ring up at 3 am. once she told him if the cost of her meds go up she may as well blow her brains out. yup, sheriff beating on the door in a matter of minutes.. wanted to know if she was suicidal. no, shes a drama queen, you should go check up on the medco pharmacist tho..

That's funny, capn. It would just be my luck that father will call his doctor and say that his daughter is crazy and needs help! Father is currently on the stage of calling everyone on the phone - day or midnight , weekdays or weekends. This is going on for a month now. Just recently, he has become quite a bedridden dictator. Expects me to jump whenever he talks. {rolling my eyes} ....

it isnt uncommon for an ill person to get downright mean. best thing ive found to do is remind them that you have problems too. you should practice your half hinged, maniacal faces in the mirror too. one thing a crazy person is leary of is someone slightly crazier..

bookworm join the caregiver's abuse club, it is probably over a thousand members strong here, you are not alone. I used to visit my mother in a nursing home (3) months ago. But she became so malicious and viciously verbally abusive to me that I became afraid of her. I had to drawback. I ask myself was my mother worth peace of mind? I love my mother because she is my mother, but I don't like the woman she has become over the years. She is a stranger to me. I think bookworm the old saying "you do the best you can but sometimes that is not good enough" I understand what you are going through.
To bring a defamation of character lawsuit against your father wouldn't have too much of a legal standing in any court room today. I find this site "to be a well of spring water when you are wandering in a desert of dry thirsty lands of elderly care"

Lildeb, before I found this site last year in June, I was just so angry, bitter and resentful on how father was soooo unappreciative of me. I stayed home to help him care for mom (Alz) when I was 23yrs old. That's like 23 yrs ago. In those years, he complained to everyone on how I was a bad daughter and I didn't do much. I've had relatives and distant in-laws actually Lecture ME to do more...Uhm..my parents has 8 children. I am the one who stayed behind to help father care for mom. And I am the one everyone lectures!!! ME!!! I used to cry a lot when this happened or when father told me straight out that I'm a bad daughter. Of course, I Never Ever cried in front of him. I waited until he's asleep at night and then I cry myself all out. My brother-who-lives-next-door-who-doesn't-help...actually had people come up to him and ask about me because father was complaining about me.

Then, I found this site. If you hop around, you will find over and over how the parents favor the "selfish, or self-centered" siblings who do not help at all. They are so happy when they visit or when they call once a year. They sing their praises on our unworthy siblings, but as for us...we just get the verbal abuse or negativity. So, yep, it is Very common that the elderly is mean to the one taking care of them.

I found out how helpful it is to come here and vent. A lot of times, some posters will see your vents and give you some pointers that helped them in handling the situation. I like that one too.