How do you keep your sanity when caring for both of your parents?

My heart goes out to all of you....my situation is not like this and I can only imagine what you are going through physically, mentally and emotionally. Check with Alzheimer's Assoc, local mental health group, contact an Elder Law atty...and, as luvpeople said, have faith in He Who can handle it all! I, too, am trying hard to "let go and let God:...not easy when you feel like you have been self-sufficient all your life because that is how you were raised.

I have been helping my parents for two years when I moved in with them from Northern Virginia. I quit my job to assist them with my father. My mother is home alone and we had the opportunity to take her to the Nursing home daily to spend time with my father but we are now on a Interdisciplinary plan and we are not allowed to see him accept twice a week. Now I am trying to comfort my mother and get our personal stuff done. This is insanity because she is struggling because she is worried that he is going to die and she can only see him for an hour a week. I am struggling because this is weighing my heart down to see her so upset. I am struggling because I do not know what to do financially because we are headed for a guardianship appointment by Adult Protective services and this is going to incur big financial cost for my parents.
What can we do? I hope that you keep your faith in the living GOd. Get the right help you need and protect yourself financially.

I have been taking care of my parents for 16 years--they both acquired incurable, progressive, chronic, rare diseases at 50 and 58. I am an only child. My husband and I are financially ruined, we are both professionals but could not keep up with the appointments, and the demand of 24/7 and having careers. We decided to have a child before I turned 40. He is autistic. And now we are both having health issues from constantly being in a flight/fight situation. My parents were too young for Medicare, they were in an awful clinic HMO, but at least they had some type of insurance--until they were disabled and retired, etc...

I am very Catholic. My relationship with God is my complete strength. My church does not help me--respite care or cleaning--honestly I have not called and asked. But there are people who know what I am going through.

My few tricks along the way:
-choose the battles to fight
-call your Alliance for Aging NOW, there might be a waiting list, but maybe not, my mom is on the medicaid waiver and it has been a life saver
-if your parents have a particular ailment, sometimes contacting those organizations are helpful--they have insider information, for example: alzheimer's association or cancer association
-ask their doctors about Hospice care, if you are over 90, they will give to you, but even your parents are not 90 they still can have hospice care, the trick is to find a doctor that knows how to do it-- they can go in and out of hospice I think every 30 days? through medicare-- you get a break to actually create a better plan to take care of them--since it is both of them they can be in the same room.. HOspice call also be done at home.
May God Bless you and keep you.

Reverseroles, I like your answer. I'm going on my 3rd year, with both my parents, Mom(Dementia)- Dad(Alzheimer's), and "join the club", by the way. There are times when I feel, I'm in my own "prison". Went to support groups in the past. They were great, and very helpful, and I learned so much. And I was even able to help others at times, with their situations. Not able to attend the support groups anymore, but hope to in the future. I too, do a lot of singing. We have a surround sound karaoke system, and I perform the classics for them. They love it. At the same time, I'm relieving some stress. They join in at times. After all I got my talent from them. I keep up with my workouts 3 times a week, at home, of course. And I'm really thankful, and grateful, to the organization, Alzheimer's Association. They helped me get respite. I was able to actually take my time with friends, went to the movies, and went bowling, which I haven't did in years. Didn't get a whole weekend off, or travel, or nothing like that. But those 8hours off on those days, really made a difference. And I had the best Caregiver, my Daughter, she worked for a board and care home. She's my parents favorite Grand kid. How great was that. And she brought new Ideas, and activities in the picture. Man, I almost lost my job.(LOL). Good luck to you, I'd like to find more time off. And keep up the singing. Sincerely, Daddydaycare.

Ditto to ALL of the above, and I mean ALL. Well, maybe not the marijuana one, but I know nothing about that. I am not discounting it, since I've never tried it. If that helps, I figure go for it. There is some very good advice on this thread. I can see a big difference when I have a good attitude and when I have a bad one. it is not easy to have a good attitude, I know that. it is also not easy to take time for yourself. I have been working on this for two months since Mom has been here full time. I've had her part time for 4.5 years. She is an unhappy person, and I always tried every trick in the book to make her unhappy, but it's useless, so I have to take another road and try to stay happy myself. FB, this forum, walks when I can get out help. When it is nice outside, even having Mom sit on the patio and watch birds help me and she enjoys it, too. I live in a RED STATE, too, 2prntsnohlp and I agree completely. DO NOT get old in a red state, unless you have long term insurance and lots of money or a good attorney who can help hide your assets and take advantage of medicaid which was for the truly indigent. They do not care about you unless you are wealthy. There are a lot of nice assisted living places if you have money. If you have worked hard your whole life and have just run out of money because you are 91, but still have too much for medicaid, you are kind of stuck in an abyss. I have not checked out medicaid facilites for more than one reason, but I am tryng very hard to find other sources to help me. I haven't checked on non-profit caregiving or church groups and don't know really where to start, but I am still trying. That was an idea that appealed to me. I have found a caregiving service that costs $12.50 an hour, but I haven't used them, yet. I don't have the money to pay them, and I am trying to get my sister to agree to let me spend the money. She is going to take Mom for one week next month so I can have a break. Just knowing that has opened a whole realm of possibilities to me to have a semblence of a real life. I have not had a day off for two months, and I know that doesn't sound like much to you after all the time you've been house bound, but it is for me like living with someone you don't care for much as a person, one who always sees the negative, and always wants to be where she isn't at the time. this has always been true, but now even more than ever. She continuously membles under breath, and I've overheard the hateful, spiteful and negative things she goes over and over. It's never "Oh, I'm going to try to be considerate, today", or "I am so lucky that I have a daughter who lets me live in her beautiful, bright home and has given up her well paying job to take care of me". Lol. It's more like, "I;m not going to be told that I have a memory problem" or " wonder why Carol (my sister) never calls". Oh well, I do get a perverse kick out of some of those things. This too shall pass, so "they" say! We all here for each other.

I chose to stay home at age 23 to help father with mom's beginning stage of dementia. He retired to caregive fulltime, and I took over after work. We have asked and asked his other 7 children for help. It remained just the 2 of us. 2 years ago, father had a slight stroke and refused to get off the bed. I believe he grabbed at the first excuse to stop caregiving mom...his inability to walk or move his left arm (which he can move.) I had assumed with 2 bedridden parents, my oldest brother with his wife and 3 grown children living right next door to us - would come and help me. Nope! I told them straight out that I will not give up my job. They didn't care - it's not their problem. I had to ask my oldest sis to babysit parents Mon-Friday while I worked. Younger sis paid her 20 year old daughter to babysit on Saturday mornings (I work). Just in January of this year, oldest sis moved in. Nothing has changed - even with her moving in. She will see my changing mom's dead weight pampers at night ...she just walks by without stopping to help. Just the other night, I was so exhausted, I only meant to sit down after changing their pampers. I fell asleep! Mom was still uncovered. Sis had walked by to go outside to smoke. She didn't even cover mom with the blanket!!
I have text to all my siblings that my therapist said if I continue the way I am, I will kill myself from exhaustion or land in the hospital. I asked for help .... Nothing! So, I have compared my posting of last year to this year. What I see are new symptoms ...I'm blacking out, dizziness now daytime and not just at nights, chest pains, shoulder pains more frequent.

How do I cope? I can't wait to get up in the morning to go to work!! Work is my sanity from this house. I have had people re-affirm to me that I'm pretty or smart or have a great smile, or friendly, etc... Compliments from people who are NOT family sure hits the heart and my self-esteem!

P.S.. A few years ago, after I came back from my week vacation (spent at home), my boss had a talk with me. He said that whenever I take leave from work, I came back worse than when I left. He suggested that when I take my next leave, to pretend as if I’m still going to work, and then spend the days on my own. If family calls me at work, he will say that I’m out on the road and to call my cell phone….I’ve been doing this ever since. It sure helps A LOT with de-stressing!

I am reading about so many issues people have with their aging parents. My mother just lost her 3rd husband who she was married to for 4 years. Mum has always suffered from depression I am sure. She phoned again tonight in tears and when you try and offer advice she puts it back on me and states that she won't ring again and bother me. She phones my sister and I at all times of the night and abuses us on the phone. Most times you can tell she has been drinking and there is no way you can get through to her. My sister made an appointment with her doctor and mum started going to couselling but has only had 2 visits. She repeats everything over and over again and when you tell her she has already told me she gets angry and hangs up. Tonight was horrific, I tried saying to her that she must stop crying and going crazy over the phone and listen to what we are trying to help her with. But she keeps saying don't worry I will sort things out myself and then hangs up. Numerous ocassions my sister and her husband have driven down to her place which is 100kms away and either stayed overnight or brought her back to their home. She is alright for a day or so and then starts the calling and says she went off at someone at the bank or some other company and I am sure people are sick of it too. I love Mum but can't handle the abuse she dishes out. We are only trying to help. I know what it is like to be on your own as I am by myself as well. I am of the belief she is in the stages of dementia but to try and talk calmly with her she will still not listen. Its difficult to get through especially when she seems to be ok the next day and she doesn't realize what stress she has put us through.

Hi Gilboa, Thanks for sharing. It is stressful being a caregiver to both parents. I am in the same boat as you. Being stressed up and with anxiety, I made a couple of bad decisions which I would not if I take time to think through carefully. Try to take some time out for yourself, Gilboa, we need that. Go for a workout or meet up with your friends. Get away from your caregiver's role for that moment. We need that in order to stay sane. Don't give up...there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Are you able to engage your siblings or any services you know to help out during certain days which you need timeout? Don't hesitate to ventilate your issues if you need a listening ear. That's what we are here for..Do take care..You are not alone..We are here for you. Take care!!

you would think that the government would reward you for having such a big heart and losing out on life and money to take care of your parents. Every state should pay the caregiver even MORE if it is family or at least the same! It takes a special person to NOT put their parents in a nursing home. You are all amazing people and Im sorry for your pain but know I am right there with you all. We were brought up believing to care for our parents when they get old and no matter how hard it gets -we will go on and do our best every day. Even when no one else appreciates us - we have each other! I appreciate all of you guys out there! though its rough we will persevere and it wont get easier but we will have moments. Just make sure all this time and energy your putting into caring for your loved ones IS LOVING!! happiness and patience will make it all worth while and listening. ;)

Are there any non-profit organizations that can help? I know that here in Atlanta there are several private non-profit family services that can offer in-home assistance at reduced rates, and there are also some volunteer organizations that can look in periodically on an elderly parent, perhaps enough to give someone a break. I would think Texas may offer something like that.

I really feel for your situation, bittersweet7. It sounds so hopeless. My mother has Alzheimer's, but is still ambulatory. I get no help from my sibling. All she does is complain that I'm not doing enough, but when I suggest Mom stay with her at her house for a few days (to give me a break), she says absolutely not. Seems that those with a good heart tend to suffer more than those who don't have one. I wish I could offer advice, but all I can offer is my prayers.

Steve

Wow, just when you think you are alone, and you come across others, who are going through the exact same thing that you are. I have two disabled parents, who are in their late 60s. I am actually taking care of my mother, who is a diabetic2 and stroke victim, which left her paralyzed on her who right side. Having suffered from a major stroke, it has affected her mentally as well. She's bed ridden, and is unable to ambulate on her own at all, which leaves me with a lot of stress, frustration and little help from family members. Thinking about the tough decisions and sacrifices I had to make to make...words can not describe how I feel. I m just full of rage, b/c I rather be sitting in a class room furthering my education, than to be home taking care of parents, who don't want to try and apply themselves. I love my mother with my whole heart, but I am missing out on life of opportunities. I live in Texas, and the state no longer pays individuals for taking care of their loved ones due to fraud. So, I m with an agency called Life Span Hm Health, whom under pays me for the hard work I do. What's 10 hrs per wk? I don't get to take a break. I do this 24 hrs, 7 days a week. I was working 15, but they reduced it. It's ridiculous.

i know its so hard ,but you need to do what you have to do to help them the best way you can.when things get to bad just think ,will if i make them feel better,then things will get easy to handle,it was so hard for me to handle my mother when she was bad but i know i had to help her ,so it went ok for me to do what i have to do ,it was easy on her and we.and we did good ,and i am trying to talk to her because she is having hard time through this so i try to talk to her and her as much i can .i try to let god help me too ,help her and me to handle this.

My heart goes out to all of you and my hat goes off to all of you, too. I don't know how you do it. I can barely handle my husband's moods and behavior issues now, and I don't have have of the physical problems to deal with yet. I know that is coming, but I'm already half crazy and very, very scared.

you need to realize that you are in this situation for a reason and that you are doing great. next find a way to relax- smoking works for me and after i smoke i have a great attitude and can handle the pressure with ease. the herbs are here for us for medicine. use it. do not take the doctor prescribed drugs unless you want to end up crazy and mean and unable to care for your parents at all. smoke a marijuana cigarette (1-3 per day as needed) and the rest will fall into place. if you disagree with me then i am sorry and if i have offended you i am sorry but i am serious and it will change everything for the better. alcohol on the other hand will ruin everything. please let me know how it turns out. good luck and stay positive. dont get down and if you do -i already told you how to fix it. ; )

The answer for me has been supportive siblings and time away. When I feel I'm losing my grip - I get away from my Dad. I'm in year 3 with him - he came to live with me when my Mother passed away from colon cancer. I cared for her for 2 years before her death. Medication and alcohol are not good solutions for me, but 'to each his own'. I gain perspective and relief from the walls closing in when I get out in nature or go for a drive. Use their money to pay for help and don't expect them to understand your need for time away. Just do it! Keep in touch. God Bless!

I have been in the same boat you are in. My siblings lived 1500 miles away; so no help. I would cry myself to sleep most nights from exhaustion. Remember one important thing: YOU need to make sure to take care of yourself first. It is hard to do, but you have to.
If you become sick, then who will take care of your parents. There is help though. Just look up DSS. They are great and can help with almost anything.
Also, don't forget to keep up with your favorite activities. That is very important. Go see a therapist if you have to. Someone who will listen and be able to give you help. That is what I am doing. It helps to have someone less, and not judge you. Plus, you need to get help. You can't do it allow. Trust me; been there, done that. I became burnt out and am almost there again.
You need to have a journal to write down what you are feeling. Look for support groups. Know how awesome you are for Caregiving for 2 parents. It is a very hard job. But, it is very rewarding. I have learned so much patience and kindness. My mother had a stroke and is disabled. My father has Dementia, and his organs are starting to shut down.
It came to a decision that I seriously had to think about. So, I did something that broke my heart. I choose to grant my Dad's dying wish. I sent him to his family in WA State. It was the hardest decision of my life. He was so miserable, and wanted to see his family again. He was with me and my mom 1500 miles away from his family. Knowing that it would be the last time I hugged my Dad; really affected me; but in the end I knew I had made the right choice.
I fought my siblings every step of the way, and finally got my mom to realize how happy he would be. He has since gained weight, everything is stable, and he Skypes my mom all the time.
In the end, we only get our parents for a certain time; so enjoy what time you have left. Listen to what they want, and make sure to become POA. It is very important. I have and will always follow through on what my parents asked for.
Think on how you would want to be treated.
Good Luck, and God Bless you for the awesome job you are doing. Hang in there.

I am sorry about your situation, caring for our love ones can be tedious and emotional draining, but you need to take care of yourself too.There is no way you can do this without any break. When you start feeling burnout or depress,it is the time to pay someone or if you have sibling let them help out until you are strong enough to continue taking care of them. Go out, pamper yourself and if you really have the time and money go do some of the courses on care of the elderly. Just take it easy and take each day as it comes. Everything is gonna be alright but you need other people to help you out as well

One of my best friends cared for both of her parents for about 10 years, they were really bad for about 4 years. She kept her sanity by talking to me, she was not aware of groups or otherwise, but she had one friend that she could vent on.

We have known each other for years and I wouldn't bail on her just because she was caregiving not my style. So find someone or a friend that will listen to you and talk to you. You need someone to talk to.

There are other great ideas in this group, having a sense of humor is very important as well. And remember why you are doing what you are doing.

I believe in dear friends and this group! The people on this site are great and I have told a couple of my friends that are caregiving about it. We all go through similar challenges, we are happy to listen and share what we do.

Good luck, remember you can get through it and your parents deserve respect in their final days!

First 8 I was working @ a full-time job. NOW my full-time job is taking care of them. I'd like to see what my life is going to be like if and when they both reach 90! Wish me luck! :-) W You need nerves of steel to do this job! :-) W

Try doing this for 16 years! :-) LOL W

I am also in the same boat. I'm a single woman with no children, siblings, or family other than my parents. After about 2 years of feeling like my head would explode every day, I realized I had to stop. We have caretakers, because while my parents are, surprisingly, in a position to pay for that, we are not wealthy, and I have to work, so I've always had that, but being new to the game, I was letting them run me rabid. But you are in the middle of this crisis, and my approach then had been just get through it...just do whatever has to be done to get everybody happy. Well, that does not work. When I finally realized that this was not going to be a temporary thing, but the way it would be for the foreseeable future, I had to start doing things differently. Now I DELEGATE DELEGATE DELEGATE, and kind of approach it as if I actually lived in another town. A funny thing happened. My father's health actually improved. I know that there was a time when I would have read this and said, yeah, but that won't work for me, but it did. And I so know what you mean about this being so much more than depression. I also read a great book, "A Bittersweet Season". Don't remember the author, but it was a great book. This place has been a great help too.
There is a light there, it's just blocked right now. It'll come clear.
Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

And if you don't have the money for day care or help... ???

I know the feeling. I have both parents. My dad is only mildly confused at 88, but my mom is in full blown dementia, has O2 and respiratory problems, sleep apnea, diabetes, delusional... that is the big one! She makes stuff up and my dad believes it! (And gets mad at me!) It drives me insane! Yesterday she kept wanting to "go home" even though they have lived here for 13 years now. She kept wanting to call "home" to have my dad come and get her. I told her he was in the next room napping, and if she called it would only call here anyway.... this went on for 3 hours non stop. We tried distraction and diverting her attention, changing the subject... nope. She would grab the remote for the TV and try to call.... I would explain what it was, and that she was indeed the one turning the volume up on the TV as she was getting annoyed by it! Anyway, my dad comes out and she tells him how I kept HANDING her the remote telling her it was a phone! :( He believed her. :(

Yesterday it was the "baby" she had in the attic that she needed to care for, but she didn't have any supplies! She was so worried as the "baby" hadn't eaten anything in 3 weeks. NOTHING worked to get that out of her head. Later she had a Dr appt and I mentioned it and she looked at me like I was the crazy one. ???

I know the "is there an end to the tunnel??" I am tired, I am sad. I am mostly depressed that I have given up 2 years of my life living here full time caring for them. I have given up everything I have, no income, nothing. My money is gone. And as a thanks from my 4 siblings? 2 of them are conspiring against me telling everyone who will listen that I am taking advantage of them. That I am abusing my parents and stealing their money?? Next week my mom's brother is coming to "visit" due to those conversations. I am not looking forward to it. We have never been close. I just pray it goes well. I am in knots already and don't think I can take the critisisms right now. I am at the end of my rope. I am glad I can care for my parents....as a nurse, I am the most qualified. As a nurse...I DON'T want them in a nursing home. Been there, worked there.... not good. Not going to happen.

I can sympathize! I am new to this. My parents are rapidly deteriorating due to alcoholism. I was not expecting this. But together, they have quickly become a burden in just six months. I am an only child and have to take them on together. We spent all day in the ER yesterday. I have no real advice to give, except that I am quickly learning to slightly detach and keep myself strong. You must take care of yourself first, you have no choice but to be the strong one everyday.

Gilboa1708 . . . medications are not a fix. They can help you cope through a difficult situation but they may also hinder a person from making important, painful decisions.

Before I moved my mother to a nursing home I was caring for her 24/7. Alzheimer's took away her ability to care for herself in every way. She couldn't remember what she did 5 minutes ago and she became an angry woman.
Although she was living with my father in an addition to our house I still needed to provide all her care. My father was incapable and intolerant of her decline.

Hiring someone to bathe her helped as far as the safety issue yet frustrated her even more. It progressed to the point where I felt the need to sleep on their sofa to be closer by. I had to stop working and my family on the other side of the house were on their own.

When my father ended up in the hospital for heart disease related issues my world collapsed and I called my doctor to prescribe meds for me so that I could cope. I felt like I was trying to keep balls under water.

Long story short - my mother is an Alzheimer's unit at a great nursing home which her SS and Medicaid are paying for. She's happy again - partly because she's away from my father, mostly because her needs are being met by people who actually know what they are doing.
My father is the one needing care now (he's 97) and I do the minimal for him. I have a bad history with my father. He's always been selfish and an emotionally abusive man. I will not be sleeping on his couch or attending to his toileting needs. The thought repulses me.
He has been offered every option available to make his life easier but refuses all of them. Would I like to go on meds again - YES. But I need to make a sound decision for him and for the well being of my family.

Ughh . . .Many of you do so much more than I would ever be willing to do. If we lived in a tribal culture we'd all help each other out but in our culture caring for elderly parents doesn't work very well.

To stay on topic I also felt out of control and invisible until I made the necessary changes for my mom. Now I'm there again with my father. I'm stronger now.
He will be moving soon as his physical condition is declining quickly. I'll probably need to use my DPOA to place him in the nursing home because he's fighting me on it all the way.

Life is difficult . . .we learn . . we grow. Hopefully coupled with compassion for those we care for and mostly for ourselves.
Be well and don't lose sight of your own needs.

I read alot. I have read more books in the last 2-3 years than I have my whole married life (25 years). I steal 5 minutes here and there during the day to read a section/chapter. I can lose my self in the story. Sometimes I like to do word puzzles. I focus so hard on solving the word problem, that I am able to let go of my anger, frustration, and depression. When I solve the puzzle I feel elated at my success, and it renews my strength to conquer the rest of the day. I pray alot for the right words to say, wisdom in my decisions, strength, and rest.

I find being a bubble head helps. I just do what I can and accept that this will never be enough. Say Oh Well, it's more than the sister's are doing. My biggest regret is I have missed 8 years of my grandchildrens life. They are all going into middle school and high school now and I'm not the favorite grandma. I was for a couple of years and then life as I would like it ended. I pray that by the time this is over I won't be too old to do something with my life. We are retiring in 2 years. It may be selfish of me but I want my time!!

I know what you mean. My doctor also prescribed meds for me, but after taking them a while, I stopped. I am not normally depressed; it is my situation as a caregiver that is doing this to me. But I have since changed my perspective. Yes, my life caring for my mother has not changed, but my attitude has. I will care for her, but in the process I will NOT be a victim anymore. I've learned to laugh -- even writing a humor book about it -- and now keep an emotional distance from the situation. Yes, it is possible to do that. But you have to choose that you will not let this situation slowly kill you. Only you can make that decision. Once you do, trust me; you'll find an inner peace you never knew existed, even when your parents would drive others insane with their behavior and situation. Good luck to you! Steve

You cannot stay sane in an insane situation. "take care of the caretaker 1st" Let's call BS on that one. Taking care of yourself 1st is what you did before you were a caretaker. You either give giant piles of $$ to help care for your folks (if you are able), or you're miserable and flushing your life for the duration. If you've got siblings or a spouse to help, count yourself as lucky as if you were wealthy. The only way to take care of yourself ..is to do just that. At some point I'll have to abandon my folks to the horrible services for indigent elderly in Houston, or I'll be a complete and utter waste of a person. I've been in 1 1/2 yrs...and my teeth are going pretty fast, especially as they need more & more. (Don't be old, handicapped & poor in a red state). Also..don''t try to be sane..not and do this thing. It's a bit of crazy forced on us by increased longevity in medicine and austerity in social policy. Escape if you can, get ready for the slow suicide of caregiving if you can not.