My mother has refused to go to a doctor for Many years. She is overweight, has severe tooth decay/loss, and is now having mobility problems which she refuses to acknowledge. Up until a week or so ago, she was still able to get around the grocery store with me. But she has had me running to the store over the last week to get food/supplies for her, because she claims to have a stomach bug. But I know the real problem is that she is having pain/mobility problems with her one leg. I have already talked with a social worker about some of these issues and was told that I would have to basically wait and help Mom with emergencies as they come up, but cannot force her to receive medical care. So frustrating to watch her decline in health and to be able to do nothing to help. She has never had the best mental health (depression, etc) and since she is not getting out of the house on a regular basis, this is declining also. Not getting much support from siblings, and if I try to mobilize any type of intervention/help, she will call my sisters and brother and pit them against me. Would love to hear from anyone in similar situation.
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He would not give anyone power of attorney, there was an incident prior to his death when we took him to emergency. He had a horrible infection and he needed to remain in the hospital. He REFUSED to be admitted. The infection was in his blood, and the nurses stated it was the worst case they had ever seen. His blood literally looked like chocolate milk..He was sick. My husband signed an order making them admit him, and when he awoke he demanded to be released and all treatments stop.
He contacted my husbands brother, and he was the white knight that came to save him. He took him home. There is not much you can do as much as it hurts, and as hard as it is. The only option you really have is to see if your mom will give you power of attorney. If not, the social worker is correct. You tell your mom you will be there if she needs you. I would sit down with your siblings and let them know that you are disengaging from her care, unless she chooses to ask for help, or decide to see a dr. on a regular basis.
We cannot change the way people are as hard as that is......Be prepared though, if your siblings are not cooperating, you might be the source they blame in the future. It is was happened to us. Your siblings have made a choice to be your moms savior right now. If they are not helping you now, it is not likely they will do it in the future. I am sorry you are dealing with this.
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In the last 2 weeks she has really gone downhill. I finally managed to get her out of the house to go to the grocery store yesterday, and it was pretty trying. She spends more and more time staring at the shelves in the store as if she's really interested in what she is looking at, but I think there's something else going on there. Does anyone else notice this with an elderly parent? I give her some space in the store and do my own shopping and periodically check on her. When it gets to be too much, I will ask her if she is having trouble finding anything. I'm not sure why it takes her such a long time finding things in a store that she has shopped at for Years! Picking out cat food can be an all-day ordeal, and yet she always gets the same brand/flavor. I think eyesight might be an issue here, but there again, she gets angry if you bring it up.
I am really losing my patience with her and the stubborness. I'm so tired of being made to feel that I am making too much of things, and that I should not trust my instincts, and that I don't know what I'm talking about. I am getting really resentful towards her. Has always been this way with her. She will let me worry and lose sleep over this god-awful situation and keep doing what she is doing, no matter how little sense it makes. And if I make too much of a fuss, she will shut me out. So sick of it.
Sibling-good luck with your Mom. I hope you find some relief for your mother.
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Thanks for the reply - yes CDiff was checked and other usuals - got all the printouts on meds and the pharm. knows of the problem - and every one of the meds is suspect but she can't do without them. Mom fell and they did keep her in hospital for a few days then rehab some months ago when this started and she went thru all the tests then and twice since to emerg with no unusual results. I think the meds combined may be the problem, but she certainly needs the Gabapentin which is the only one that touches the nerve pain, and it can have similar side effects. But she panics if she is even running low on those! Certainly seems like more than old age to me too. Thanks again.
I feel you, I have been through it with mom full time since 2007.
Try guile as another poster suggested. There are visiting physicians now all over. They are not usually very good but certainly better than nothing. I checked mom's pressure and blood glucose myself- wasn't too bad.
There is a good book called Elder Rage that has behavioral suggestions.
If you get to the end of your cable you may have to use tough love. At a certain terrible point, which I am at now, fixing one thing on mom breaks another. Further, the stress of any medical procedures anymore just about outweigh the payback. You would have loved the essay I wrote you. Anyway, sending big hugs and best wishes. Hang in and on- get support and take care of yourself. This is a rough ride- it isn't your imagination. Virginia
and has dementia is to realize that you are in charge now and you need
to make an appointment for her and tell her it is time to go; If she refuses.
I would tell her that you will not suppoert her unhealthy lifestyle and until she
gets medical attention and follows the advice, she can find someone else
to watch her die. I know I am harsh, loophole (mimosa)
I'm not sure if dementia is an issue yet, because she has always had strange ideas about things. She is also a master at covering up and trying to make everything appear normal if she thinks something is up. It's exhausting.
Thanks again for the feedback. It's comforting just to hear from others in situations that are evenly remotely similar to mine, since the feelings of isolation are pretty tough to deal with lately. The situation is so strange to me, that it's hard to share things even with people I know well. And then there is the guilt that I'm not doing enough. Folks who have not lived with her do not understand how difficult her personality is, and I always fear that people think that she is being neglected and that I am not doing enough for her.
I will check out the links that were recommended. Fairy Dust-I will read your posts as well-thanks for chiming in!
All you can do is encourage her to do what you think is best but, ultimately, she's entitled to do what she thinks is best, regardless of how ill-advised that is.
What you CAN do is make very clear how much of your life your mom's decline will be allowed to consume, because it has the potential to consume it all!
Draw boundaries now. There are consequences to your mom's neglect of her health. She will likely become immobile and lose her ability to take care of her basic needs. Have an open conversation with her now, so she knows what to expect, about how much you'll be able to physically tend to her. Are you willing to have her move in with you? Can you devote hours a day to her care? It's best not to just 'let things happen' in this area.
Again, you don't say how old she is or if dementia is a factor, but it may be that your mom has lost her ability to understand consequences.
Keep in mind, as you tread these waters, that your mom might become inconsiderate in a way she never would have been when she was younger. She may begin making incredibly unreasonable demands upon you and getting herself into crisis after crisis that she'll expect you to 'handle'.
Do I sound like someone with battle scars? : )
But, at least if she was in a facility with other people around, it might help. As far as the siblings not helping much - that is so common and unfortunate. If you try to help and she tries to turn them against you - there is nothing you can do about that. Just know, you are not alone.
Hugs to you and take care.