Help? My Aunt is dying, and I know we are looking at funeral expenses very soon.

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reindeermama Asked February 2013

Help? My Aunt is dying, and I know we are looking at funeral expenses very soon.

My cousin, her daughter, wants a graveside service, but has no money to pay for
it. I am in the midst of paying for my daughter's wedding by monthly payments. I do not have the money. My Aunt is the nursing home. My cousin can come down
from Colorado with a friend, but expects me to pay for the funeral. I also have another daughter in college and a 10 year old son. I am not made of money, and there is no money left in my budget. On top of the that her plot is 205 miles away from the funeral home that is in my town. The funeral director said we could manage a funeral and transportation for about $6000. everything included which is not bad, but I don't have the money...period. My cousin said she declared bankruptcy so she cannot borrow the money. I can't afford to take out a loan. My cousin wants me to send her all her jewelry. I don't think it is worth much, but my husband said to sell it to help with the cost of the funeral.
We have paid about $1675.00 out of our pocket to help my aunt. Even if I sold everything we have stored in our garage of her's it might add up to $500.00.
I am so overwhelmed. I just paid for my mother's funeral and other costs in December. Her funeral alone was $5298.00 Of course, my father, who is in credit card debt up to her nose didn't have the money.
I just want to sit here and cry. I don't have the money....what do I do now?

Financial Planning

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score 1 · Answer 1

Oh, I forgot I visited my Aunt tonight. She seemed to recognize our voices. I called my cousin and held the phone up to my Aunt's ear. She would moan and move toward the phone. She cannot open her eyes, but she had tears at the corners. I said hoping that my cousin would repeat it that Her daughter loved her and it would be okay if she went, if she needed to go, that my cousin would be okay. My cousin did say that to my aunt. I don't think she knew what to say, but I wanted Aunt Jean to know she didn't have to try and fight it because she was worried about leaving my cousin. I hope this made it better for Aunt Jean.

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score 2 · Answer 2

My aunt wanted to move down to Texas and went and had me made POA on medical and Durable. She told people that my cousin took advantage of her financially and was mean to her. However, since my Aunt moved down, I found that she fibbed a lot. I think she may have had a mental condition. I do think that my cousin loves her, but think that maybe she has some kind of condition. The hospice suggested that my Aunt has narcissistic and histrionic personality disorder.
I did not want this type of responsibility because I have a son who is mildly autistic, and my two older daughters who are in their twenties. I was also trying to take care of my Mother who was on hospice. We helped her to get into a retirement community, but she went through her money like there it was water. I thought I was doing the right thing to help her, but I guess you never know. I tried to get my
cousin to get her in a nursing home up in Colorado so that they could be together, but my cousin said she wouldn't be able to see her. So I don't know...everybody seems to turn to me for some reason. The social worker said I need to put the word "NO" into my vocabulary. I think she is right. Thanks to you all.

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score 0 · Answer 3

Your aunt is so lucky to have you. The answers others have given you are right on target. In most areas of the country you can ask for Direct Cremation. In my area the cost is between $600 and $1000. Don't let your cousin make you feel bad about anything. You have been there for your aunt when she needed you and you should find comfort in that.

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score 1 · Answer 4

Thinking of you. This situation has to be very sad for you. You are doing what needs to be done and have nothing to feel guilty about as it seems you were there for her when he daughter wasn't.

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score 0 · Answer 5

reindeermama, I'm sorry the end is so near for your aunt. I hope she knew how much you cared about her. You have a good heart. Too bad your cousin can't be like you. God bless you.

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score 0 · Answer 6

I am glad that you have a plan. Are you POA or how did you become the one that has to make the decisions? I am just thinking about her daughter being next of kin.

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score 0 · Answer 7

The hospice just called me. She probably has 24 to 48 hours. We have made arrangements with a local funeral home for $1200.00 and then burial of the urn in her plot and updating the marker for $700.00. My other aunt, her sister agrees with me on this. So I will not worry about my cousin. Thank you all again for your suggestions. If my cousin will come down for the service I will give her what she wants out the back of my car. If not then I will send everything COD if I can, or as igloo572 suggests.

Thank you all!!Hugs to all for your advice.

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score 1 · Answer 8

Reindeer - sound like you have a workable plan (cremation and then ashes later on). Really you deserve the halo of the month.

Just to do a c.y.a. on this, I'd suggest that you send either an email or registered letter to your cousin with the details of what you & your darling hubby are willing to do and state that other than that, THERE IS NOTHING ELSE YOU WILL DO. If she wants to do the full burial routine, that is fine, but she will bear 100% of all costs. If you find you are just too nice to write this to her, then ask your DH to do it as you.

About auntie's stuff, I'd go to a Fed Ex KInko's office and get a bunch of the Fed Ex boxes & packaging (well as many as you can get without looking too obvious).
Nothing like getting nice, new boxes for free. Then ZipLoc jewelry, photos, whatever and place in the boxes and seal them. Send another note (email or registered) that everything is ready to be shipped and if she will just send you the filled out with payment info done Fed EX forms, you will send them to her.

If she does, terrific and you call Fed Ex to come to your house for pickup. But if she doesn't, well everything is boxed nice and together and easy to find 3 years from now when she finally does show up at 10:15 PM on a rainy night.

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score 1 · Answer 9

Reindeermama, consider yourself hugged. I too could sense the pain in your post. You are a compassionate person and it's clear you love your aunt. But alas, we are not SuperWomen 100% of the time and we just do what we have to do. I'm sure your Aunt knows how much you care. Bless you.

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score 1 · Answer 10

Thank you for your understanding. I guess I just feel so bad for my aunt. My cousin has never helped pay for anything. No one helped pay for Mom's but my husband. I am an only child. My father, well, I have always bailed him out, but no more. The well is dry. Thank goodness I have such a good husband, who loved my mother. I just know that my aunt wanted to be buried by her husband, but she went through her money like it grew on trees, and then I had to help out by getting
her in a nursing home so she wouldn't be homeless. I guess I just feel bad, and without your advice probably would have tried to find a way. But taking a step back
and looking at what is going on...well I will do the best I can, but that may be cremation. Thank you all for your advice. I do appreciate it. I already checked and cremation down here would be about 795.00 to 1395.00. I could get that amount together and drive the 4 hours to sprinkle the ashes next to her husband.

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score 2 · Answer 11

Reindeermama, you are also not responsible for selling jewelry, holding a garage sale, or having a bake sale to raise money for the funeral. You do not need to figure out how it will be paid for. Not Your Problem.

The kindest thing you can do for your cousin is to convey this to her as soon as possible, in terms she can understand. You do not owe her any explanations as to why you can't/won't do this. Just be sure she understands that you are not going to do it. The sooner she knows, the more time she has to work out an answer.

Ask her if she'd prefer to pay to have her mother's things shipped to her, or if she would like to pick them up the next time she is in town.

You have had a very stressful time over the last few months. Your mother died. Now your aunt is dying. Please allow yourself the pleasure of focusing on the expansion of your family by a new son-in-law. This funeral is not your responsibility in any way.

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score 1 · Answer 12

Your cousin is way out of line. If she can't afford to pay for what she wants, then she'll have to settle for the "lesser" option. And I said SHE not you, reindeer mama. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I wish you the best.

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score 2 · Answer 13

I agree with the last two helpful answers.. You are in no way responsible for her expenses.. you will have to resign yourself to that fact-- and of course you can continue to pray and have others pray for God to undertake for assitance-- He is 'still in the business of doing miracles' :-) I agree with looking into cremation.. and talking to social services- local dept. ask about any other resources available.. and yes, if you are the power of attorney-- you have every right to sell anything of hers to help carry out her final needs.. :-) I feel so sorry for you-- I hear the pain in your story.. thats why we are here.. we all have one .. :-( Its not easy.. right now.. but Joy will come again to you dear.. and what you are doing for your aunt will hardly go unnoticed by the person it matters to the most-- Your Father and her Father God.. Mercy and blessings to you...

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score 2 · Answer 14

You have no obligation to pay for your aunt's funeral. None. This is not a complicated concept. You do not need explanations or excuses or permission. You are not responsible for your aunt's funeral expenses.

What part of this doesn't your cousin understand?

By the way, did she help you pay for your mother's funeral? Just curious.

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score 3 · Answer 15

Then be upfront with Cousin. Tell her if SHE wants a graveside service then SHE has to pay for it. Cremation is very reasonable and the ashes can be spread on her plot when you get time to do it. Cremation in my area, for low-income individuals can be as low as $700.

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score 0 · Answer 16

It is not to me. I could take the ashes and drive the trip to scatter her ashes on the plot next to my uncle, but my cousin is throwing a fit.

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score 0 · Answer 17

Is Cremation out of the question?

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Help? My Aunt is dying, and I know we are looking at funeral expenses very soon.

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