I have serious stress and anxiety issues and on medication. Should I put my mom in assisted living?

Is Mom causing or adding to your stress and anxiety? Personally, I think the lifesaving rule should be applied for anyone undertaking the care of an elderly parent. The first principle of lifesaving is "secure your own safety". While jumping into rapid water to save someone drowning is a noble impulse, its not the wisest decision.

Serious stress and anxiety are serious life damaging issues. Secure yourself. If having Mom is assisted living helps you do that, it seems necessary.

Taking care of yourself is also a noble cause.

Hi cholesgrams2012....When I seen that not only was I hurting myself and my family..I realized that I was harming mother also...she was so confused most of the time because of my tone of voice..I was so frustrated, tired, missed doing things that I found myself speaking very harshly to her at times...When I decided to place her in a home, I spent lots of guilt ridden nights crying, but I watch her become socially attached to some of the other ladies and men there she seem quite content and even happy...Now when I walk in...she is excited to see me...I go just about every day...the people who take care of her..are very caring and love her because she is a very sweet people person...now..I find peace in knowing that I done and am doing what needs for all of us...she still cries somtimes and so do I, but I know she is ok...I try to make it as home-like as I can...for her...I still fix her hair and take her to lunch sometimes...we go for walks outside...she knows she is not at home but she is ok..cause she is i good care...it is a hard thing to do..but with family support that you have..you can do this...and know that it is ok...your love for her will only grow stronger as your health gets better...enjoy the time you have but also enjoy those around you too..it is ok for you to be happy and spend time taking care of yourself...
be encourged...it i ok...

It would be much better for your mother to be visited by an adult child who can be upbeat and loving than to be cared for by the child hanging on by a thread and not fully able to provide the emotional love and support she needs. Anyone can remind Mom to take her pills and help her to the bathroom and clean her living quarters. But no one can replace a child's love.

Save yourself so you can be well enough to give your mother what nobody else can provide, and let professionals handle the day-to-day caregiving.

I don't know if Assisted Living is the best choice for Mother. But it is pretty clear that relying on you for 24 hour support is not the best choice. I hope you have the strength to find an arrangement that will be better for both of you.

My Mom was in a beautiful assisted living facility and when my Dad died last year she moved in with me because she missed him and wanted to be with family. If you can find a good AL...jump on it...I'm totally fried . She is a sweet 90 yo lady and not "too"demanding but the constant doctors appointments, meals served on trays, medications,heat tuned up to 80..yada yada yada and a full time job as well is very very trying.
I'm 63 and thought I'd be slowing down but it really is like raising a toddler again. I'm on Xanax and heart meds and she is as healthy as a 40 year old.
You need to stay healthy and take care of yourself and she will be very happy in AL....my Mom now says she misses her friends and feels lonely!

I agree with oncehatedDIL, every situation is different - as above advised - you need to take care of yourself. Stress induced health problems are so common in care giving. Having your mother go to assisted living would be a good choice and great place to start.

And there will be stress related to that as well; but on a different level. I like how above post states that taking care of yourself is a also a noble cause. It absolutely is and it is necessary. Take care and blessings to you.

There is a problem with assisted living in that they want residents who can pretty much take care of their physical needs themselves. If your loved one goes into assisted living early they will continue to care for them as their health declines. I have been trying to get my Mom into assisted living for the last year. She has mild dementia now but still takes care of her hygiene. At this point she is a great candidate because she could still enjoy the social activities. So I moved in to her home and now feel totally stuck. I am watching her mental health decline and know what is ahead down the road. I am so stressed at times and this is really just the beginning. If you could provide a few more details there are some great suggestions on the forum but I find that it is really a day-to-day existence.

It is a tough decision but if your health is that seriously compromised you need to take the next step, either get more help in your home or move your mother out. I would investigate anything the county can provide first. If your mother's income is low there is probably a lot of free help you can get for her and for you. Like respite, someone to watch her while you do your own chores or go out for a lunch, etc. even a longer short-term stay in a local nursing home can all be paid for by county programs. I didn't know about this myself until recently. And if she has little to no assets you don't have to worry about qualifying or any "recovery" for any monies provided to her either. If her income is too high or she has assets that disqualify her look into a trust to place her funds. The program in my county, called "Alternative Care" provided a healthy budget to work with and my mother collects a fairly good amount on social security. She gave her home away years ago to my son, so she is eligible for Medicaid or Assisted Living Memory Care on the government's dime. But I opted to put her into a program that is neither Medicaid nor Assisted Living but the county will pay for adult day care plus transportation to and from the care center, and pay for personal care or home health aides to come in and relieve me at home, plus I can get respite care and some supplies such as Depends delivered free. It's a stop gap but if it works for a while and delays her entry into a home, improves her disposition because it will give her something to do away from home, and gives me some much-needed help and alone time, it should work out well.

Concerned, it sounds like you are not mentally able to care for your mom. Do you have sibs? Discuss the situation with them and see if they will step up and help you look for a place for mom. If you keep caring for her in your current state, you will do even more damage to your mental and physical being.
I have been caring for my mom for 5 years and it has taken it's toll on me. I am very strong emotionally and physically, so I can take a lot, but this is not a job that anyone should take on lightly. It can have devastating affects on the caregiver for sure. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself! Good luck

Chloe - My heart goes out to you. You are a wonderful, caring daughter and have done so much for your mother. I do think that the high blood pressure you are experiencing is a serious warning to make some changes. Perhaps it is time to listen to your mother's doctor who thinks she should be placed, as well as your daughter who has the same advice.

As you know, high blood pressure can lead to heart attack, stroke, etc. I think the high blood pressure is a definite sign to make other arrangements for your mother. My mother was in a wonderful SNF and after a period of adjustment; she came to be happy living there. As with any change, it takes time to adjust.

At a SNF there are a lot of people around and this helps the resident to not feel lonely. And many have special care for alz/dementia. You could visit her all the time and take her out, etc.

If something should happen to you, then what? None of it is easy; but often times, placement is the best thing. Hugs to you and take care.

There comes a time when AL is necessary. You can't help your mother if you're sick or emotionally spent. If your mother doesn't have the income to cover it, there are VA Benefits for dependents of veterans and Medicaid depending on her income. The best thing to do is seek advice from an attorney who specializes in elder issues.