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Madeaa Asked March 2013

How to not get myself upset by neighbors once again?

I guess I just need to vent. I am trying to not get myself worked up, annoyed by my neighbors. These are the neighbors that my mother told lots of stories to about me abusing her etc last year. These are the neighbors that called the police that resulted in the great hooplah I have talked about before. Now that my mother is back at home after they wanted to put her in a nursing home and going to the day center, things have been somewhat been manageable, she realizes on some level what she did to create the crazy situation and she does not want to go in the nursing home. So, she has not been trying to wander out etc. Yesterday she came home from the senior center and told me the neighbors were there visiting her and wanted to know why she doesn't come over, this created a great stir in her. What the hell is wrong with them, they still do not believe she has dementia. It got me upset, and throwing in the towel crossed my mind. It is all about her and I am getting sick of it. These neighbors will not come over to the house, if they want her to go to their house they need to know that she must be supervised and if they want her to come to their house she will have to be picked up or taken and watched and then returned by someone. On one hand it would be nice to have someone help me with an occasional time out, but they do not recognize her disease and consequently foment discord and my mother gets nasty and tries to assert herself as though she is not well.

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SusanJMT Mar 2013
You really are in a dangerous spot. I was as well, as were my Mother's previous caregivers who were on the whole quite competent and honest, yet all of us came under police scrutiny due to my Mom's ability to dial 911 in the middle of the night. I was able to talk the police out of arresting the caregivers, but had nobody to speak for me when the time came. Ultimately, this danger helped tip me toward giving up the caregiving and placing Mom in assisted living. (When asked if I wanted to arrange for a phone for my Mother in her room, I answered how much do they want to deal with the police when she calls 911 on them?) If you cannot make this decision yet, consider having your Mom's condition confirmed by her physician, and providing an informative orientation to her friends of her condition and how they can help her, inviting them over for limited visits or supporting periodic phone visits. It will take work for them to come up to speed, especially as they seem to be looking for a dramatic soap opera to occupy their time. You can also make it very clear to your Mother that she will lose your services if she continues to lie about you to anybody. Her feelings of anger and frustration may be real, but their sources are not YOU. I had to bring my mother up short on a few occasions after years of putting up with damaging nonsense.
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