Five years ago, I was the caregiver for my mother who was dying from lung cancer. We had never had the closest mother-daughter relationship in the past, but with a her prognosis ( one year ), we became very close. We both aploogized for past behaviors and let go of a lot of issues. She passed away at the Hospice care facility six days after her 66th birthday. She just slipped into unconsciousness and passed away two days after.
My father-in-law probably has less than a month to live. It is hard to tell with copd, but the hospice wokers feel the time is near.
My husband and I take care of him. He is complete denial about his disease. When the hospice nurse tells him that she has seen a steady decline, he argues with her or just ignores her. The chaplin has tried to address some issues with him,same thing. He refuses to talk about anything remotely spiritual, although he claims he believes in God. It is clear to all, that he is terrified and just lives in denial. The problem is, my husband and I are drowning in caregiver burnout and I know not talking about things are not healthy.
His symptoms are aweful; constant dypsnea, coughing, hacking, weakness. He refuses to take the small amount of morphine presrcibed for breathing or the atavan for anxiety. He refuses to change his disposable undies thatt become soaked. I have treid everything with him and for the most part I am patient and calm.
I do believe a part of him, must know the end is near. I have told him the choice is his,as far as his meds., but that I refuse to sit in the house with him all day and watch hims suffer, when there are meds., to help him.
All of this has of course made me question my own mortality. It just makes me physically sick to watch this old man, dying in agony and so many pains from his past that could be let go, if he just talked to my husband, his oldest son.
I know there might not be anything I can do, but I have decided to at least try to talk to him. He also denies being scared and denies denial. Sometimes, I feel like Alice in Wonderland, where everything is upside down.
Is it possible for my father-in-law to be so out of touch with his feelings, that he believes he is not even dying? Is it even possible for me to help him?
Thanks,
Dina
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Let Go... You are doing enough, Sweet Caregivers. xo
He may choose to suffer. You may choose not to watch it (while still providing care for him.)
I think it would be good for your husband if he could clear up outstanding issues in his relationship with his father ... just from his side, if father isn't interested in exploring them from his end. Perhaps it could take the form of "remember that time when ..... I wish I had done x differently."
I had a neighbor who denied how ill he was and then he lost consciousness and passed. He was pretty young , though, 42, -cancer- but I do believe this man did not accept his death outwardly. But who is to say what he went through when we saw him as unconscious? We have no idea if he went on a journey inside his mind where he came to terms with his passing and accepted it( I kinda want to really believe this).
SO --This was years ago and I was quite young and, well, prideful, and he was a lapsed Christian and I really ,really wanted this man to find Christ again before he passed. I even went so far as to load up the back of my SUV with pillows and blankets and the Bible and ask for special permission to drive my SUV up onto the beach of a nearby lake (he loved the lake) so that I could load him up and , on the quiet setting of the winter beach, try and save his soul :0/ His wife gave me her blessing btw. Anyway- there we are on this deserted beach with me all aglow with self righteousness and good intentions and all he did was hit on me- in his weakened and frail state he still found the strength to hit on me.
I learned then that everyone is on their own journey and as much as we may want a certain thing for them. in the end, we cannot force a path for them-- and that I am not that good of a preacher. It may be so hard to watch and I don't think that means we should not try and , gently, help them by listening and offering gentle advice when asked but , ultimately, all we can do in pray and let go. IMO. Blessings to you all during this very hard time. ((((hugs))))