How do I deal with my mother in law?

I guess what comes first to my heart is to just keep loving her with God's love. I know at times my own love can be so shallow, and when I get myself out of the way and truly want to give my husband a chance to smile or even laugh, it seems the Lord will just do what He does best. We have to find whatever nuggets each day, especially in those hurtful moments. Keep those best memories close to the surface of your heart. And when there is a fiery dart thrown your way, grab hold of one of those special moments and dwell on it and see them like that instead of how they are now. This will help get you through as we keep in mind it is all temporary.

Go to a therapist who will have YOUR best interests at heart. This is an issue of trust. You can't trust your mother-in-law, she doesn't trust you, and for sure, you can't trust your husband. He will side with her every time and bully you by saying you are evil and lacking in character because you don't want to take care of her and you also see her clearly, not through his rose-colored bifocals.

Bunny,

Resentment festers. No matter how long you try to ignore the problem or walk away from it, eventually that woman-to-woman talk is going to happen. Your husband might have to referee, and probably they'll gang up against you. If a compromise isn't reached, I suggest going out for a long walk to figure out what other options you have that don't include tolerating that kind of abuse.

i am so great full for all your honest assures weather or not i like them .

It sounds like your husband has already decided to stay with her and not you. How does that make you feel? Don't be around her if she acts the way you say she acts. Why give yourself high blood pressure? I learned a long time ago to not allow my husband's relatives bother me. I just stay away...

Bunnylov, her mental status is not really fine - she may have always been difficult but things you describe go above and beyond in terms of judgement. You and hubby moved in with her for a reason, probably not just physical. If she is getting up and walking around to snoop on you having sex, She is at the very least disinhibited and impaired to some degree as she 1) snooped, not grasping that a man and wife have a right to intimacy 2) got caught and 3) can't figure out what else to do with herself besides lie in bed and drink soda the rest of the time - which of course will lead to nothing but increasing debility. Just because someone remembers what day of the week it is or recognizes familiar people, they are not necessarily firing on all cylinders...those kinds of things that make you think someone is cognitively "fine" may be the last things to go, especially in no-Alzheimer's dementia.

Respect and gratitude for cergivers is what you think you should have - and you should! - but with the mildly impaired elderly person you are describing, you will get resentment and gruffness because they want 100% full time taken care of and don't understand why they can't have that, and AT THE SAME TIME hate needing to be taken care of. Don't you realize that now, despite her never actually saying it out loud, that in her eyes you are the one who keeps her son from being 100% devoted to her? Don't let her stares and glares and other behaviors eat you alive emotionally on top of the sacrifice of your own home and privacy that you have made. She is not a going fount of wisdom or one to have a reasonable perspective on anything now, if she ever was. Lock the door and have sex anyways.

well im sry i guess i wasn't clear about the living situation . we moved into her home because she would not sell and move into our house . and her mental status is fine
she is just a bitch excuse that word pl z just the truth . all she dose is lay around in bed and drink soda and stare me and every one else down and i mean down . her son my husband can do no wrong! she wont stay out of or biz at all. we can"t even be entament because i have caught her listening at our door help pl z im dying inside and i find myself being mean to others because of this

If she still has her own home but lives in yours, have a chat with your husband to address her behavior; particularly towards you. Chances are she'll pit you against each other and might win because he'll probably side with her with some line like "she's frail," "she's getting old," "just be patient with her." Baloney. I'm pretty sure she's been that way all her life, and now uses old age as a crutch to do whatever she wants to whomever she wants.

Don't put up with it; whether she lives in your house or you end up in the purgatory that'll probably be hers.

This is exactly what happened to me for three years before my husband brought his mother to live with us three years ago. You are on the road to hell and it is only a matter of time before your marriage will totally disintegrate. I told Mommy my marriage vows said "forsaking all others"--that includes YOU" and also "til death do us part. I didn't rent him until his Mommy wants him back." She won't listen and neither will he. Get the divorce I didn't get back then because he doesn't really want to be married to you anymore and this is a convenient way he can look like a hero while abandoning you. Sorry to hear you have had this happen. It is a common thread. Good luck.

Honey I know exactly what your growing through. My husband and I had been divorced for 5 years. In that time his mothers husband died and as he was dying he asked my ex-husband to take care of his mother. My husband feels strongly about the promise even though his own mother drives him crazy. He and I got back together 13 years ago and I moved back in with them. I never knew a grown woman could be so childish, selfish, just thinks the whole world revolves around her and that everyone owes her something. My question to you is do you and your husband love each other deeply and want to keep your marriage intact? If so, then do not let this woman win. He may be her son but hes your husband and you fight for your marriage. Kill her with kindness. As hard as it is, do not let her see you hurt or angry over her words or actions, but at the same time let her know that you will not take any of her crap. It may take a while and she will always drive you crazy, but she;ll eventually get it. Hang in there hun. I know how hard it is.

I moved my mother in with me and she has her days of being mean and nasty especially to her great grand daughter who is only 4 years old. Mom has dementia but there are times when one would think she really does do it on purpose. Right now I figure she has regressed to the same age and it is just jealousy. I also think that there is not much to do about it, except now my granddaughter just stays away from her, and that is fine with me

bunnylov, did I read this correctly that your husband moved in with his mother and you're in your own home? Even though I do not know all the circumstances, it doesnt sound like a good idea especially if your MIL is making comments against you. Sounds like YOU are being hung out to dry. Please give more details.

Hi bunnylov1, does she have a diagnosis? That can change how people respond to your post. If she has dementia, say, then it is hard to change her behavior and you must either, learn how to deal with it or move out and have someone eles take care of her -or put her in a NH. If she is physically disabled but mentally able than you should not have to put up with any kind of abuse and may have a better chance at getting her to change. And if she doesn't -than leave. Preferably with the husband but if he decides to stay and let you be abused than I would still leave. Just my advice. Good luck!