How do you tell your bossy, needy, controlling mother you can't stand her?

Yes, I agree with some of the above. There are Senior (SCAT) vans and Senior Day Care to occupy her time. Write down the days and hours you will be there and post in her kitchen.

In your situation, I would contact Adult Protective Services and let them come in and assess her situation. With states giving more rights to the elderly and expecting the adult children to take responsibility for those rights you need to protect yourself from any form of alleged neglect or abuse. It is a sad and unfortunate reality for adult children who are caregivers to narcisstic elderly parents.

anksana, I had this problem with my father, so I know how you feel. My parents have two of the motorized chairs, but their front porch stoop is too low for the ramp and my car is too small to support a lift. I bought him a manual chair that helped a lot, but still it was a major hassle when I took him anywhere. He was dead weight, too -- mainly a psychological thing with him.

Your husband may not have to build a ramp. If your mother has to have a wheel chair, her doctor may be able to do a prescription for a ramp that should be covered by Medicare... Part B, I believe. My mother has a steel ramp that works for most steps and also trucks if needed. She got this ramp when she got her motorized wheelchair. She didn't pay for hers.

I can be hard spending too much time with our parents. I spend an hour or two during the evening with my mother, but we never have anything to talk about. I'm also concerned that what I say will lead to her fussing. She takes the opposite view as I do on things I say, often even switching her position to make sure it is opposite of mine. :) I think many older people do this. Maybe a little debate makes them feel more in touch.

One word about the oven -- That is an old myth. Methane isn't poisonous to breathe, so sticking our head in the oven isn't lethal unless the oven is lit and we bake ourselves. Head in gas oven would be lethal if someone came in and sparked the gas, but then the whole house might blow. So, no point in putting your head in the oven. You might as well just live on. The only advice I would have is to be as nice to yourself as you are to others.

You need help. You are overwhelmed, and understandably so. If your mother does not have dementia, you could try explaining to her that you can run, say two errands per week and that's it. Do whatever you are comfortable with. Or, if you run the errands together, you can say you are available from 2-4pm and no longer, so she can prioritize her own errands and do what is most important. You could also see if there is a senior bus that can take her to the errands. The ones where I live in VA are wheelchair accessible and charge $3 one way per stop.

If she does have dementia (my mom does), reasoning won't work. Then you can tell her the same as above, your own availability, and then stick to that. This way, you have at least told her, thought she won't remember.

You could also contact the council on aging and they might be able to offer further suggestions.
Good luck