My mother in law moved in with us 3 years ago, for the 7 years before that my husband lived with her, to help her financially and because she couldn't be by herself for a peroid longer than a few hours. She would have mini strokes. She did not prepare for her retirement, my husbands father walked out on her 20 years ago, because she was selfish . My husband and I have 3 grown children that she didn't really achknowledge when they was growing up. She also has another granddaughter by her other son, that all she did for that girl was praise her for everything she did, and gave and gave to her. Her other son is a Alcholoic so he is no help at all. Infact he has told her, he would rather not have anything to do with her ever again for some of the things she did to him. My hisbands sister is diseased from a Drug over dose. Anyway, 3 years ago, I said she needed to move here with us, I wasn't going to be without my husband anymore for his mom. So she moved in, she gets $749.00 per month, out of that she has to pay 189.00 per month for her supplemental insurance to her medicare. That leaves about 500.00 a month. She doesn't drive, she does nothing but sit. She is 75 years old. Her memory is going. About a year ago, my daughter came to me (Which she is 30 now) and asked me why we never did anything about her being molested when she was younger. Which took my husband and I by surprise we never knew. My daughter than told us that she had told her grandmother when it happened (My daughter was 9 at the time) . My husbands mother never said a word to us, and she told my daughter that, it was ok, she had been molested as well when she was little. The person that did this was my mother in laws nephew and this went on until my daughter was 12. Always when my daughter would go with her Grandmother to visit relatives in another city. So I confronted my mother in law about it, she said she didn't remember that. I then contacted another member of the family because my daughter had said she even called this other family member to come and get her on numerous occassions and they did, but my daughter never told them why she needed to be picked up. I asked my daughter why she didn't tell us and she said she told grandma and grandma said it was ok. So I was and still is pissed. Now I am at a point she has been here almost 3 years, has no money, no family left and I want her gone. She plays the poor pitiful me card, and she actually feels everyone owes her. She thinks her son should take care of her until the day she dies. I can't and will not continue this. It just kills me everytime I look at her, and with me knowing that she could have helped my daughter and choose not to, and yes this is her biological granddaughter. The granddaughter that she praised growing up hasn't spoken to her in 2 years. So I guess my question is, where can she go with no money except for Social Secuirty? She can't stay here anymore, I can't deal with it. My husband can't physically take care of her, he can't take care of himself, 3 back surgeries later due to his profession before he retired, So I am left with it all. The driving, the cleaning, the cooking EVERYTHING. My husband says he will support me with any thing that I decide to do. His mother was a only child with everything given to her, and this is what is left. Am I wrong to feel it is not my place to have to take care of her ? I need soe support and some suggestions, my 3 children tolerate her when they come over to see us, but want nothing to do with helping with her at all. What she choose not to do to help our daughter effected our other 2 children and the way they feel about her. What to do ???????????
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I would highly recommend telling the person who helps you with your mother-in-law's long term care application that you and your husband absolutely can't care for her any more. Explain about your husband's medical problems and the fact that she can't stay with you. I would think that they wouldn't have a choice but to get her placed in a home. She has to be able to go somewhere after all.
On a side note, it sounds like your MIL must have gone through some tough times and issues herself growing up. This absolutely does not excuse her selfish and harmful behavior, but I also know the price of holding on to hatred or unforgiveness. It eats us up inside and infects us. Believe me, I know from personal experience with a former family member myself. I hope eventually you will be able to heal from this, and your poor daughter deserves all the help she can get. I know from experience how messed up it is when someone gets molested. Personally, I think you are better off separating yourself and your kids from your MIL anyway. I think it is only then that you and your family will be able to heal from all the stuff that has happened, and I also know that is probably going to be a long time. Perhaps, you and your daughter and family could get some counseling to help you out. It sounds like your daughter definitely needs to get some. Just talking to someone in a safe environment can help. She faced a betrayal by not only your MIL's nephew but your MIL and know she will need help to get through it and hopefully put it behind her one day. It's good that she finally came forward and told you so you are able to help her too. I know from personal experience the long path to forgiveness and healing, believe me, but I pray you and your family will be okay. I am not trying to tell you what to do because I know everyone is different, but I am telling you what helped me. I grew up in a screwed up atmosphere when I was very young, so I know how it hurts to have all that mess hanging over your head. I truly pray for your family to get all the help you need, especially your daughter.
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I hope you will consider counseling for the whole family, what she did was cause Trauma and it will need to be attended to. God Bless you and your daughter.
This is a new day, new circumstances. Both require new decisions. I support you in whatever you end up doing. Keep posting and venting.
If there is a way to forgive, you can consider same later down the road. Instead of enlising the whole family for therapy at this time, you might want to start therapy with your daughter because she is the one that asked you the direct question " why didn't you do anything." A domestic violence agency in your area is likely to provide free or nearly free therapy for her as well as you. Please keep us posted.
In the mean time- Persuade your daughter to go to counseling- offer to go with her.. This could go a LONG way for healing between both of you- Because you didnt know (then) dosent change the fact you know (now) and its like it 'just happened' :-( So sorry-- Chin up.. This time and pain (WILL PASS) ...
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