How do I take care of my loving dad and not my demanding, mean-spirited mom?

It's ok momtymes3, I gotcha. You're not a bad person for feeling that way. My dad was sweet and my mother abused me, so I understand where you are coming from. And as weird as it always seemed to me, he totally and completely loved her. *sigh* Anyways, I guess sometimes we just have to preface things with, "this is a vent", and then continue. But you can just ignore terrim, she's not a very nice person. She seems to have signed up for the position of Judge & Jury here.

Thanks for all you answers. I'm sorry if I gave the impression that I wanted to separate my parents. I was just venting because I had just been to see them and my mom was complaining about everything as usual. I took my dad to the doctor the other day to have some skin cancer taken off. I then took him to the store with me. On the drive home he said that was the nicest day he had had in a long time. It broke my heart. I just wished that he could come home with me. He is such a sweet person. Anyway please don't think bad of me. I do care for both of my parents equally, it is just easier to do things for my dad now.

I get what you mean. I wanted my mother to live with me, but she died first, and it turned out that taking care of my father was quite rewarding

A bad mother is much harder to deal with than a bad father. Just is. You have my sympathy.

You're not bad to wish this, but it's one of those wishes it would be - let us call it bad karma - to act on. Do what you can to care for them both with as much love as you can muster, and don't feel guilty for what you can't do. The more you love yourself the more you can love them.

Sorry, they are a matched pair.

Sometimes health concerns do separate married couples. One needs skilled nursing care and the other one is independent or needs only assisted living help. Sometimes both parents start out living with a child when their health starts declining and then one of them needs specialized care such as a dementia facility. The other parent continues with the child.

I would not say it is never the right thing to do for the parents to be separated, but I can't imagine it happening because a child likes one parent better than the other (even if there are perfectly good reasons for that).

Continue to love and support your father, even if you can't bring yourself to extend those feelings to your mother. But please respect their choice to share their lives with each other.

I get what terrim is saying, after all they chose each other right? But I also get what momtyme3 is saying too about the mom being a pain and not the dad, so it would be much easier taking care of one and not the other. What I'd be curious to know is, was the mom ALWAYS from the time they got married mean spirited, or was that AFTER they had been married for awhile. If it wasn't till AFTER they'd been married for awhile... well then, did the dad contribute to that? hmmm Either way, they're a matched set good or bad.

terrim - geez! Do you have to be so blunt? Can you try to be nice? I'm sure she realizes her parents are married and wasn't quite saying she wanted to "tell" her dad to abandon or divorce her mom. She could be just be a new caregiver or future caregiver seeking advice on dealing with a sweet dad but a mean mom. Please don't "tell" her to "leave them alone". She obviously cares or she wouldn't be seeking advice.

Wrong. They are married. They made vows to one another including in sickness as well as health and to death they do part. If he did not want to keep his vows and be married, he would have divorced her. This is his wife. It is unfair of you to tell the man he has to abandon the wife he loves to have his daughter care for him. They are better off together where they are. Please leave them alone.

Do you mean you would have your dad live with you and you'd care for him? If they are in an Assisted Living facility, I don't believe you would be able to live with him. But if it were me, I wouldn't separate them. Your dad has most probably lived with her a long time, and would probably be lost or feel bad if she weren't around - even if she does sound like she could be a pain. If they are in AL, he can do things without her if he wants in the facility if he really wanted to - but after this long - he probably won't because he wouldn't want to hurt her feelings or whatever. Good luck!!