I am 23 years old and my mom recently had a stroke. however I have felt like I've been a caretaker or my parents all my life. From my father extreme depression and poor health which eventually cost him his life 2 years ago with me watching for 6 months as he suffered. To my mother's anger and gambling addiction problem, I've always felt like I had to pick up the peices for both of them. Now that I am about to graduate I was hoping to be done with my mother forever now that she has a stroke. I feel like she is worst then ever and even more selfish even though I know this isn't completely her fault. I am still angry at her and I feel bad for being angry at her. She wasn't around much but she did make sure my dad, my brother, and I had food in our stomach and house to live in. She wasnt the most caring person in the world but she did try. And both my parents did the best they could. But a part of me still really really really hates them. I feel so guilty for wishing constantly she was dead that way I be done taking care of my parents and focus on my own life for once. But I dont want to see my mom dead either and even though my dad is gone. I really would give anything to see him again. I know they love my brother and I very much but I don't know how to stop thinking these thoughts.
I want to see my mom be healthy and happy. (The doctors gave a good prognosis) but yet I can't stop feeling this way. Does the feeling get better over time? Am i just angry and still going through the grief process? I love my parents very much and I really can't stand seeing my mom this way but I am scared. How can I be there for her if I am so angry?
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1dayitwillbek, I understand where you're coming from. The torn feelings towards our parent. The hatred. I did NOT know that I could have sought free counseling by going to Public Health. (I only found out about this from this site!) If I had known, I would have sought counseling. I hope that you don't let the anger/hatred/love continue to tear you apart. I recommend that you seek counseling - even if it's at your college. Just seek help to "straighten" up your thoughts.
I also know what it's like to have a parent suffer from a stroke. My father had his first one 2 years ago. I would like to emphasis to you the Importance of making sure that your mom has Intense Physical Therapy ASAP. Father refused to go to Rehab after he was released from the hospital. He fought against doing the PT because it HURTS. So, the hospital doctor told him that if he did not do PT, they will keep him in the hospital. So he did it until he came home. After that, he refused to do it. The reason I bring this up is that when a person suffers from a stroke, it is Very Important that they go thru the intense physical therapy within a year of their stroke. This will give them a very high percentage of getting back to normal. I know several people who went thru the severe pain of PT and are normal. You cannot tell that they suffered from a stroke. And I know of 2 people (father and a female elderly friend) who refused and did not try hard to do PT. And both are bedridden.
So, if you can for now, put aside your anger/hatred/resentment towards your mother and make it a goal for Both of you to do the intense PT. Be there with her if that is the only way to get her to cooperate. Remember - if she does it, she can go back to close to being normal...vs...Not Doing It - and becoming bedridden or on wheelchair for life. So, do your best to ensure she does her PT so that you can continue with your life. And if she refuses, then you may need to start looking for alternate care for her. I don't recommend putting your life/career, etc on hold just to be your mom's fulltime caregiver. Just set 2 goals for now: free therapy for you and PT therapy for mom. I hope it works out for you.
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So yes, sometimes you do feel that way. You have had a lifetime of parents who seemed to have either not fully "got it together" or was not really caring. I see a lot of people mentioned they feel obligated to caregive because they were fed as children but even a cat will feed it's kittens. That is what you are supposed to do. A crust of bread should not be an excuse for mental, emotional or in some cases physical abuse.
I would agree with the poster above me and encourage you to talk to someone either way you feel and here is why: 1) if you simply wish the ordeal to be over, when it is -- you need help realizing it is over and 2) if you hate your mom (or still even your dad) you need to talk it out.
My husband felt BOTH ways due to physical, emotional and mental abuse and even though his mom has been dead for close to 20 years, he never resolved his issues. His father is still alive and just has hateful has his mom and he takes his anger out by sometimes yelling at our little girl when she does wrong. I told him if he wants to correct her (she can get very hyper and annoying), then fine but DO NOT take it out on her because he is mad at his dad.
So hon, before you have kids of your own, talk to someone to get all the toxic junk out of your mind and even your soul. Be it a pastor, priest or a secular counselor, just talk to somebody. And (((hugs))).