My brother is alleging Elder Abuse after I filed a Temporary Restraining Order against him for assault. How do I prove he's being retaliatory?

I'm glad they closed the case too. So why can't I stop crying? It breaks my heart that I now can no longer trust my brother, his ex-wife or daughter. And when our mother is either placed in memory care or passes, the drama will probably be reignited because I am the POA and Executor (my Mom also designated a family friend in case I am "unable to fulfill my duties.") our friend has always had my back, and tells me when she thinks I'm wrong. She is going to court with me on the 24th so I have someone's hand to squeeze. I've called several attorneys (including one I hired last year to be sure I was doing everything legally). Not one phone call back. THE END. For now.

I'm glad they closed the case too. So why can't I stop crying? It breaks my heart that I now can no longer trust my brother, his ex-wife or daughter. And when our mother is either placed in memory care or passes, the drama will probably be reignited because I am the POA and Executor (my Mom also designated a family friend in case I am "unable to fulfill my duties.") our friend has always had my back, and tells me when she thinks I'm wrong. She is going to court with me on the 24th so I have someone's hand to squeeze. I've called several attorneys (including one I hired last year to be sure I was doing everything legally). Not one phone call back.

I am sooooo glad. I'm glad that you are being proactive. And I totally agree about having a 3rd party when he visits. And the cameras. You've learned to watch your back. I'm happy for you.

Great news! You fought back and held your ground. I am happy for you and proud of you! I hope your story gives the same courage to anyone in similar circumstances. I think you are going to sleep well tonight!

I am happy to report that Adult Protective Services notified me that they have closed the case against me! What a relief. Now, when I go to Court, I am going to give him a letter stating he has 30 days to get all of his belongings out of the house, and open a PO Box for his mail. I pay $160/month for off-site storage while I live here and help our Mom. And since he doesn't live here, he needs to find a new "permanent" address -- such as open a PO Box. After June 30, his mail will be returned to sender. Also, any visits with Mom need to be scheduled, and there will always be a third party in attendance. I am also having cameras installed in the house. I am done with his trying to get money from my Mom, not including me in financial matters(when I have the POA). No more!

I was referred to a new attorney. He's out of the office today, but hopefully I can talk to him and get some good advice.

Well, given my attorney doesn't return my calls, and I'm pretty frustrated. I took my Mom to her doctor today. I told him to talk to her alone because my brother is alleging abuse. I heard Mom said I yell at her. What she didn't say is she comes after me, and I have to lock doors to get away from her. The police have been out here 3-4 times when she hit me. We lost a caregiver because my Mom slapped me in the face. I need to get copies from the Police Department of the times they have been here. This is so absolutely totally ridiculous. The reason my brother assaulted me was I looked at his email because I suspected he was taking money & selling things for her (and pocketing some of the money). He was also trying to get her to give her my car (because I drive hers now). She already gave him our Dad's car (which he doesn't insure, so I won't allow him to take her anywhere). But right now the Temporary Restraining Order is still in effect, so he can't contact her.

I am so sorry you are going through this i am a caregiver and familiar with what you are going through you need to get this in a COURT ROOM WITH AN ATTORNEY, this is commen with familys with siblings not there together for the sake of thier loved one ..........i disagree ith elderly abuse against you......... you need to record the home an get proof of what is going on ----------- as for stealing someone needs to havce guarianship over her ,,, its all about her i pray father GOD you give the help so needed .........

I don't know what a 2000 is. And the cop refused to arrest him. Though i had to demand he forward the report to the DA. My Mom backed up his lie. She wasn't even in the room. She is not easy to be with and accuses me of stealing all the time, and tells her friends I'm horrible. They don't see the truth here. I'm having a security system installed (with cameras). This is not going to happen again!

I already have a POA. My attorney (though I've called her twice stressing how urgent it is), hasn't called me back. Even after he assaulted me, I had to hire someone to take care of her because he was too busy sleeping. He was the one trying to get her to give him my car (I drive hers now). I told him we have to talk to an attorney, but he kept badgering my Mom about it. I told him to knock it off. The Temporary Restraining Order sent the entitled narcissistic brat over the edge, since he is doing this. Trial for the Restraining Order is May 24.

Also why did you not press charges against your brother for causing to your person?

Start a 2000 legal on your Brother if you have that in your state.

LEP you may admit to being bipolar and there is no shame in that it's just a disease like any other. I would hesitate to guess what your brother would be diagnosed with. judging from your comments about your mother and her sisters past interactions mental illness runs in the family. You are right to beware of APS they are a sneaky bunch.

First go to your mother doctor and then attorney and get POA plus have her do a living will . If you do not do these things the state can take Conservatorship over your Mother. APS is a joke they spend more times with people that do not need any help from them than the ones that do. Do Not talk to them again , have your attorney talk to them on yours & your Mothers behalf. I have an ass for a brother too. So I feel your pain. but cut him out totally. he does not care for your Mother , YOU DO!

How fortunate I feel to have found this website where I can chat about my life and get so much information. I've read a lot of other people's issues, and that helps me too. My plan is to find an attorney on Monday. I am NOT going to let him get away with his vindictiveness & lies. Also, I hired new caregivers the day he assaulted me. So they haven't been around here long. Also, the agency has told our caregiver if they contact her, not to discuss it with them on the phone. They will set up an appt. for APS and the Caregiver to meet in THEIR offices.

How fortunate I feel to have found this website where I can chat about my life and get so much information. I've read a lot of other people's issues, and that helps me too. My plan is to find an attorney on Monday. I am NOT going to let him get away with his vindictiveness & lies.

When you said your mom was in your brother's corner, boy, you really meant it. You definitely will be having an uphill battle. Do the Caregivers know the true situation? Or do they believe your mom and brother? Can they be depended on to give you character witness at trial? Or would they prefer to remain neutral due to fear of reprisal from your brother? There is a person here whom went thru what you are going thru. I read her when I first found this site last year in June. Msdiva. I think she had to go to court Twice because her siblings accused her of stealing from their parent. You could try searching her name on the top right corner. It might help to read what others have gone through here on this site while you prepare for your court battle. Uhm...some posters experiences were not as successful as Msdiva.

Will you be able to update us once in a while? I would appreciate it. Hope you find a very good criminal lawyer!!!

Thank you everyone. I talked to an Elder Attorney and was told I need a criminal attorney. We have a caregiver today, and my Mom was sobbing, and saying "she does nothing but sleep and steal my money." She also said she wants my brother to move back in and take care of her. When I came home the morning after he assaulted me, my Mom hadn't taken her meds or eaten, nor had the dog been fed. He was locked in his room. I don't know about any of you, but I don't consider that "caring for" my Mom. The stress of dealing with an angry, abusive Alzheimer's victim is hard enough, but now this? My brother is not named in any legal papers, I am the POA & Trustee/executor. She named a friend of ours if I am "unable to fulfill my duties." So, he won't be getting his hands on her finances even if they decide I cannot do them. All he will do is hire around the clock caregivers.

As they say - No good deed goes unpunished. I am sorry your mum sides with your bro re the assault, and that he was abusive when you were growing up
- and he still is. These situations can get into such a mess. Good legal advice seems a must for you. The abuse of caregivers is a newer thing than abuse of seniors, but many here experience it. Paranoia is hard to deal with. My mother does not have Alz but has some paranoia. So far I have not been accused of stealing - only of interfering when she had actually asked me to do what I did. If I go on her accounts (to keep track of things and help when the time comes) I would not be surprised of accusations come. They are not easy to deal with.

Oh, FYI: my mother is in my brother's corner regarding my assault. I am not cluing her into the other claims because I don't want her to be upset or disrupt the Court. And given that I'm the one who cares for her, she is always accusing me of being a liar and stealing her money (so now she has a reloadable debit card).

My sweet @bookluvr. I think we are sharing a brain because your ideas are exactly the same as mine! Given I spent 20 years in the legal field, I definitely know I want an experienced attorney and not some green recent law school attorney. Also, I don't actually keep in touch with any of the lawyers from my past job. My time there was not happy. Also, it was in the San Francisco Bay Area, and I now live about 2 hours away. I called my local Alzheimer's Association, and they gave me some names. However, none of them defend Caregivers; they defend the individuals who have been abused. I may be forced to find a criminal attorney instead. My brother and I have never really gotten along (talk about abuse, he was both verbally and physically abusive with me when we were growing up). I just can't believe he is playing so dirty! I never expected that.

My first choice in lawyer is one who is expert in the field - an Elder Law Attorney. Since these lawyers know all the different ways people try to cheat/fool the elderlies, I would try for the Elder Lawyer. You ARE trying to protect your mom from the son who would rob her blind. Are you able to ask your former law firm of recommendation to an aggressive but honorable caring lawyer? Since usually consultation is free - I'd try this first.

If that fails, Google for attorneys in your area and what people say about them. Time is so short for you. While waiting for Monday, try Googling now on Elder Lawyer, etc.... By Monday, you should be able to have a list and go down the line on who is willing to see you last minute - as in this month. I'd make sure it's the lawyer you're talking to who will represent you and not an intern, or newly hired fresh from college lawyer.

@Booklvr -- I'm aware of the fact he could Take my Mom to an artorney to try to change theTrust, so I will be keeping my eye on him. Since I confrol the finances, he has no access to her money. And if he tries to take her to a lawyer, knowing she has Alzheimer's, I would report him. I also suspect that would constitute Elder Abuse on his part. He knows she has been declared incompetent to make financial and medical decisions by 2 neurologists. The ironic thing here is he uses my Mom for money; and manipulates her by spinning tales about "potential jobs" (which she believes). But he has not worked at the same employer for more than a couple of weeks. When he assaulted me, I asked him to supervise my Mom for the weekend, and he agreed. Not 30 minutes later, he had gone to the room he was using, closed the door and went to sleep. He has maybe helped our mom 5% over the past year. He knows nothing about her medications, her routines, and ongoing medical information. He has shown no interest whatsoever, and sees her infrequently (which I logged).

But I'm still going to find an attorney to protect myself. I've been asking him for help since last Summer, and his social life is his social life (while I'm here 24/7). I'm also bipolar (controlled with meds), but he throws it in my face whenever he has has a chance. He even told APS, but when asked, I knew I had to be transparent, and told her that was true, but that I'm on meds.

My question is if she believes my mental health is an issue, why would he trust me to care for her the past 18 months? And the fact he contacted APS AFTER he was served with the the Temporary Restraining Order is obviously dilatorily. I hope the Judge sees through him and questions him about the fact that he rarely saw our Mom in the past year AND reported me AFTER he was served with the TRO, and forced to leave the house realizes and being vindictive. I just hope i can get everything in order to take to Trial on May 24. I'm trying to find an attorney who defends individuals who are falsely accused of Elder Abuse. I don't plan to speak to APS again without an attorney present.

book - LEP has papers from the doctor showing her mum is incompetent so mum should not be able to change POA; however, your caution to keep in her good graces is wise

LEP - it is horrible that family members do such things to one another. From what you have written, I would not be surprised if your bro is looking for $$$s¸, but it sounds like your mum is/was clued in on that. Did you take pictures of the holes he punched in the walls and any thing else relevant? It is good you are monitoring her spending - the "friend" certainly is an enabler. Take care of you in all of this - it is very stressful. ((((((((Hugs)))))

LEP, remember POAs are easily changed. If your mom is too angry with you and your brother is sneaky enough, he can persuade your mom to change POA from you to him. Don't underestimate either one of them. They're only thinking of their benefit but your mom is only thinking NOW and not what the future would bring if she changes POA to him. They do not need to ask your permission to change POA. As long as she's willing and of lucid at the time of doing the new POA - it will stick. I've seen this over and over on this site. Don't let your guard down. But you may need to find a way to remain in your mother's good graces so that brother doesn't lure her into his thinking.

It really is tragic. Unfortunately, it grows in the family because my Mom and one of her sisters were always fighting when my Grandmother had to go to an assisted living facility. It was ridiculous! He may think that if I am not allowed to be her caregiver, he can step in and get some $$ for it. But my Mom never wanted him involved in her finances, so he is not named on the POAs or as Trustee when our Mom passes. My backup is a family friend, and I tell her everything (so I am transparent). But this is very upsetting nonetheless.

I am part of such a family too. I know I have to cover my a** whatever I do. I am executor and when the time comes plan on giving the job to a professional so my sister can't sue me. She sued her own kids for money and won. Apparently she has planned for a long time to get all that mother leaves, and sucks up to mother and bad mouths me when she can. Fortunately, mother doesn't trust her with money -yet! You have to cover your front, your back, your sides, your top and your bottom. t is sad when it comes to this within families.

And I thought my sister was bad... Have you emailed her yet capn?

And HE WILL. Believe me. I'm going to talk to an attorney next week hopefully. As if caregiving an angry Alzheimer's parent isn't enough stress!

(((((((hugs))))) LE - sounds like you are doing the right things. However, I know that the police and agencies are not always fair and true to their mandates. You are wise to have an attorney. Breathe deep, continue to document everything,keep us updated and look after you. This is very stressful. Some sibs are so vengeful they will go to great lengths to cause trouble,