I have 2 rooms that I can go to and lock myself in when my Mom gets angry. Thank God! However, when she is angry at me, she locks her bedroom door. I may have it replaced so that she can lock it, but have a key if I become concerned, so I can look in, and if she is okay, re lock the door and let her be.
Lord have mercy, you're a better person than I am. Under no circumstances would I allow anyone to act this way in my home. You asked about blocking off rooms. Heck yeah, block off whatever rooms you want. It's your house. You may not be able to get dad to accomplish the list of chores he should be doing, as a contributor to household duties, but how about asking him to pony up the cost of a cleaning service, at least for his share. Maybe your mom trailed after him cleaning up his mess, but that is no way an excuse to be a slob, especially when you have been so kind to let him live with you. Yikes!!
omg. Helpless is better than this guy. What a nightmare. If he is not disabled or if he does not have dementia, why don't you simply tell him to clean up after himself?! Dad: Please rinse off your plate and put it like this (show him) in the dishwasher. Dad: I don't like clothes lying around. Please pick them up. Here is your own personal hamper. This is where dirty clothes go. (I can't believe I am saying these things.) Dad: would you like me to paint a bullseye in the fricking toilet? Dad: Get your credit card. We are going down to Best Buy to get you your own flat screen ( any size he wants, cause he's paying for it) and I will let you know the extra cost for cable/dish/hd box, etc. We need our family room back. Let's go. Dad: Shape up or you are going into a home. I have no patience for inconsiderate, sloppy people, and I'm sorry your Mom did not train him better. I think you could change the way things are going but you need to speak up, as I have suggested. Good Luck! xo
BTW, do you think you could you get your brother to commit to a few set days a month or ask that he take on a particular task (Dr. appt.s) as "his" responsiblity? I know this has been an issue w my aunt/uncle, & it seems to be an issue with elders & gender roles as much as the brother "avoiding" responsibilty (though some of that goes on too). My Grandmother once asked me to drive 40 minutes round-trip to get her milk. My brother was staying at her house that week while working in town and "might want milk on his cereal for breakfast". I called my bro, he picked up milk on the way back to the house & we both rolled our eyes about her request -- the point is that she asked me to drive 40 min rather than ask him to stop 5 min on the way home...because "men work" (the irony is that my bro & I do the same type of work...except that I've been doing it longer!).
I have 4 roommates (age 23-59 -!!!!), but we get to CHOOSE who we allow to move in with us (we joke that by the time they pass our background check they would qualify to work for the FBI.). Since none of us owns the house we are all "equal" when it comes to making house rules, which DOES make a difference.
So here's the connection - after 12 years of "communal" living, guess what the number 1 problem is....yep -- CHORES! You have other stuff going on - - noise level, sharing bathrooms, etc.,but the cleaning up thing is HUGE. Our current solution (best yet, BTW) is do chores or "buy out" -- if you don't do a set amount of time per week, you have to cash out $15/hr to the kitty. Anyone who wants to can "cash in" by doing extra chore time earns $15/hr (confession --I owe the kitty $15 right now!) Offhand I'd say your Dad owes "the house" some housecleaning services. If he were in assistedl living that is included of the price (not "optional" in most places, BTW, though "extra" services can be purchased). I don't know how this will best play out in your situatoin - maybe hiring a housekeeper on hour or so several times a week (someone local? a neighbor's housekeeper? local under-employed 20-something?), or maybe hire one of the kids to clean up on Dad's behalf an hour a day (requires a bit more finesse than outside help, but could be good experience for both of them depending on personalities -- pay a bit higher than normal rate, make clear that you expect exceptional quality & you could get kid-training & helping out next gen in one fell swoop). Once it came to cash outlay Dad might offer to clean up after self to save $, but I'd advise caution and a check-list if using this option - 2 reasons; old habits die hard, & it might be hard for the two of you to agree on how much house-cleaning is "enough". He ends up frustrated feeling that he's done "more than enough" (but you're never happy), while you remain frustrated that he "still isn't doing his fair share" because the house isn't as clean as it was before he moved in.....maybe you can tell that this has been an, *ahem* "issue" in our household LOL!
Best of luck -- even without the added issue of family relationships JUST the household chore part of living together requires a lot of energy.
I don't think your problem is petty at all. When people live together certain courtesies should be observed and while your father should feel welcome in your home expecting him to pick up his dirty drawers from the bathroom floor is not expecting too much. Expecting him not to ruin your furniture with newsprint isn't expecting too much.
But having said this, you said that your mom picked up after him for however long so you may not be able to teach an old dog new tricks.
Horse rider, it is our house and he moved in about two years ago after my mom died. There is not a separate entrance or in law suite. He is now in our old "guest room". By sloppy I mean lazy. Never picks up his clothes, leaves coffee cups on tables, spills on floor, sweetener packets open on countertops, urine on toilet seat and bathroom floor, ruined our furniture with newsprint from his hands. He has always been this way but my poor mom cleaned up after him and waited on him. It has been a struggle to get him to put his plate in the dishwasher after dinner. I am getting close to hiring a housekeeper, it's just too much. MishmashM ....I am in my bedroom ALL the time. He has taken over our family room tv and watches the news 24 hours a day. Even my husband ends up in our room when he is home (he travels a lot for work). We just redid our basement and do not want my dad down there. He will destroy it and we need a space where he does not go. Did I mention he does not shower very often? His underwear was on my bathroom floor when I got home from work because he "forgot" to pick them up. I am exhausted from other reasons than physical caregiving. I know my problems seem petty compared to some on here but my mom was sick for a few years before all this. I'm just tired of being so responsible for them. My one brother helps but I always have to ask. I love them very much but I just feel like this will never end. My kids are frustrated and my husband is a saint. Thanks for your input and for listening.
At first I thought that it sounded harsh to block off rooms your Dad could not get into. I was thinking -just go in your bedroom. BUT then I realized that that has not been such a good solution for my husband and me. We tend to stay in our bedroom -with a TV - because our daughter runs the house quite a bit. And now I find myself having a hard time leaving it. I use my mobile device in bed, eat in bed and watch TV in bed. I am in bed now!!! The only thing I do not do so much of in bed is SLEEP!!! And there in lies the problem. So---don't make your bedroom the only room in the house you feel comfortable in or you may end up like me!!!
I think you have every right to sanction off a part of the house for you and any guests that you invite in. Everyone needs their personal space and if you do not get it it will probably make you less able to care for your Dad. I dream of having a room that looks like a dance studio. Hard wood floors, one wall of mirrors ( only one-I don't like my image all that much!) and some ballet bars. And a cd player. And sound proof. So I can dance and sing as loud as I want!!! ( my daughter is very controlling of her environment and hates loud noises-ie me singing) I also love to paint. But I got nervous about the hard metals in paint and as I do not have a utility sink or a good space to paint I dropped my hobby. BUT I was just looking into renting a space at a studio -it is pretty cheap and you can choose your hours. They offer classes or just a spot to paint and you can bring your own supplies or buy theirs. I still have palettes, canvases and paints tucked away somewhere. I was thinking of doing this while my girl is at camp this Summer ( 9-3 MWF) but I am nervous. Sorry-I went off topic here a bit. But, yes, I think it is fine to find your own room and keep it secured.
Yes, but for safety (stairs). Is it your house, or his house, and how is it set up? Could a door/etc create areas that function as "separate" living spaces? ie if he has a MIL unit (own entrance, bedroom, living area, bathroom mini kitchen, etc. it's one thing. He should respect your bedroom, but he is basically a roommate, & you can't really keep him out of the living room or kitchen because he is "sloppy", or isolating by not "allowing" him in the den where everyone else is hanging out all the time? What exactly do you mean by "sloppy" (dribbling food, socks dropped in the pathway, or just not hanging up a jacket/leaving a cup on the side table/moving knick-knacks ? Is this "normal" for him? Is a weekly housekeeper an option (also could secretly be a care-giver-to-be if they clean his room, start to help care for him)?
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Dad: Please rinse off your plate and put it like this (show him) in the dishwasher.
Dad: I don't like clothes lying around. Please pick them up. Here is your own personal hamper. This is where dirty clothes go.
(I can't believe I am saying these things.)
Dad: would you like me to paint a bullseye in the fricking toilet?
Dad: Get your credit card. We are going down to Best Buy to get you your own flat screen ( any size he wants, cause he's paying for it) and I will let you know the extra cost for cable/dish/hd box, etc. We need our family room back. Let's go.
Dad: Shape up or you are going into a home.
I have no patience for inconsiderate, sloppy people, and I'm sorry your Mom did not train him better. I think you could change the way things are going but you need to speak up, as I have suggested. Good Luck! xo
I know this has been an issue w my aunt/uncle, & it seems to be an issue with elders & gender roles as much as the brother "avoiding" responsibilty (though some of that goes on too).
My Grandmother once asked me to drive 40 minutes round-trip to get her milk. My brother was staying at her house that week while working in town and "might want milk on his cereal for breakfast". I called my bro, he picked up milk on the way back to the house & we both rolled our eyes about her request -- the point is that she asked me to drive 40 min rather than ask him to stop 5 min on the way home...because "men work" (the irony is that my bro & I do the same type of work...except that I've been doing it longer!).
So here's the connection - after 12 years of "communal" living, guess what the number 1 problem is....yep -- CHORES! You have other stuff going on - - noise level, sharing bathrooms, etc.,but the cleaning up thing is HUGE.
Our current solution (best yet, BTW) is do chores or "buy out" -- if you don't do a set amount of time per week, you have to cash out $15/hr to the kitty. Anyone who wants to can "cash in" by doing extra chore time earns $15/hr (confession --I owe the kitty $15 right now!)
Offhand I'd say your Dad owes "the house" some housecleaning services. If he were in assistedl living that is included of the price (not "optional" in most places, BTW, though "extra" services can be purchased).
I don't know how this will best play out in your situatoin - maybe hiring a housekeeper on hour or so several times a week (someone local? a neighbor's housekeeper? local under-employed 20-something?), or maybe hire one of the kids to clean up on Dad's behalf an hour a day (requires a bit more finesse than outside help, but could be good experience for both of them depending on personalities -- pay a bit higher than normal rate, make clear that you expect exceptional quality & you could get kid-training & helping out next gen in one fell swoop). Once it came to cash outlay Dad might offer to clean up after self to save $, but I'd advise caution and a check-list if using this option - 2 reasons; old habits die hard, & it might be hard for the two of you to agree on how much house-cleaning is "enough". He ends up frustrated feeling that he's done "more than enough" (but you're never happy), while you remain frustrated that he "still isn't doing his fair share" because the house isn't as clean as it was before he moved in.....maybe you can tell that this has been an, *ahem* "issue" in our household LOL!
Best of luck -- even without the added issue of family relationships JUST the household chore part of living together requires a lot of energy.
But having said this, you said that your mom picked up after him for however long so you may not be able to teach an old dog new tricks.
MishmashM ....I am in my bedroom ALL the time. He has taken over our family room tv and watches the news 24 hours a day. Even my husband ends up in our room when he is home (he travels a lot for work). We just redid our basement and do not want my dad down there. He will destroy it and we need a space where he does not go. Did I mention he does not shower very often? His underwear was on my bathroom floor when I got home from work because he "forgot" to pick them up. I am exhausted from other reasons than physical caregiving. I know my problems seem petty compared to some on here but my mom was sick for a few years before all this. I'm just tired of being so responsible for them. My one brother helps but I always have to ask. I love them very much but I just feel like this will never end. My kids are frustrated and my husband is a saint. Thanks for your input and for listening.
I think you have every right to sanction off a part of the house for you and any guests that you invite in. Everyone needs their personal space and if you do not get it it will probably make you less able to care for your Dad.
I dream of having a room that looks like a dance studio. Hard wood floors, one wall of mirrors ( only one-I don't like my image all that much!) and some ballet bars. And a cd player. And sound proof. So I can dance and sing as loud as I want!!! ( my daughter is very controlling of her environment and hates loud noises-ie me singing)
I also love to paint. But I got nervous about the hard metals in paint and as I do not have a utility sink or a good space to paint I dropped my hobby. BUT I was just looking into renting a space at a studio -it is pretty cheap and you can choose your hours. They offer classes or just a spot to paint and you can bring your own supplies or buy theirs. I still have palettes, canvases and paints tucked away somewhere. I was thinking of doing this while my girl is at camp this Summer ( 9-3 MWF) but I am nervous.
Sorry-I went off topic here a bit. But, yes, I think it is fine to find your own room and keep it secured.
ie if he has a MIL unit (own entrance, bedroom, living area, bathroom mini kitchen, etc. it's one thing. He should respect your bedroom, but he is basically a roommate, & you can't really keep him out of the living room or kitchen because he is "sloppy", or isolating by not "allowing" him in the den where everyone else is hanging out all the time? What exactly do you mean by "sloppy" (dribbling food, socks dropped in the pathway, or just not hanging up a jacket/leaving a cup on the side table/moving knick-knacks ? Is this "normal" for him?
Is a weekly housekeeper an option (also could secretly be a care-giver-to-be if they clean his room, start to help care for him)?