My parents live in independent apt. in senior bldg. w/ 24/7 caregivers. Mom has dementia and dad has multiple medical problems but is cognitively okay. They rarely go out except drs. appts. When I relocated them to that building several years ago, I found lots of cash hidden in my mom's drawers etc and with my dad's agreement, we deposited this in her checking account. My dad pays their caregivers quite fairly and gives holiday bonuses, etc. When I was there last month helping him pay bills, my mom suddenly realized that she is lacking cash on hand. My dad is concerned that she will give "tips" to her "friends," the caregivers. I thought of a compromise and took a small amount of money from my dad's wallet (he doesn't keep much cash on hand) and gave it to her, and her aide said, great, let's get your purse and wallet and put this away. Well, she was alert enough that day to realize that $16 was "insulting." Additionally, they have had one aide dismissed upon her arrest for stealing (forging checks) from another client; to our knowledge that individual never stole from my parents, again they treated her very well and actually she was an excellent caregiver and very close to my mom. However, it highlights that one cannot leave cash laying around in any setting, esp. where various therapists, etc. are coming in and out in addition to the private aides. Anyway. now my mom is fixated on this issue and demands every time I talk to her that she wants the money out of her checking account despite the fact that she doesn't go anywhere to spend it. I suppose I can give her a small amount ($100) but my dad doesn't want me to "on principle." I go back to visit in a few weeks and know this will come up. Any suggestions? Thanks!
12 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
Maybe try and let her have some other wins. Maybe it is more about losing control over her environment and decision making independence and you can fill that void with other things? Just some guesses. With my Mom if my Dad were to ask her how much money they should give to the church that week and listen to her I bet she would feel less anxious about the money. Maybe let Mom choose a charity of her choice -humane society, Feed America, "adopt"a tiger, maybe sponsor an African child ... Have your Dad do the leg work but have Mom choose the amount to give ( within reason). My Mom loves the humane society and retired nuns. Careful though, Dad insists all the charities target them now. Be sure they are valid and do not give out any of your info to other charities. Most respectable charities wouldn't I imagine.
Just some thoughts.
ADVERTISEMENT
When my dad lived in skilled care he got onto a thing about money too. He wanted some cash on hand. Since he had already been ripped off once I did not want him to have any money in his room and we went back and forth on this for about a week. Finally I took his $13. A ten dollar bill and 3 ones. He felt like he had some money 'on hand' and it was an amount he could afford to lose, which he did. The money was never seen again.
Maybe suggest to your dad that he give your mom a little money, enough to satisfy her. Is there any harm in it? And is it worth all of the stress involved in trying to figure out what to do about this?
Maybe let mom have just enough so she feels like she has some control over her situation but not enough that it would really hurt if it were stolen or misplaced.
I agree with others to let your dad have the final word on this. He said no, so your decision is easy. You just have to agree with him. :)
This is Dad's decision. He is the primary caregiver. He lives in the house. If he asks for help, advice, or in carrying out a plan, fine. Do your best to help. Otherwise a spouse in his right mind can deal with issues regarding cash in the house.
I welcomed help, believe me! But I would have resented any of our kids coming up with "solutions" without consulting me. And if I specifically said, "I don't want such and such to happen" and one of the kids made it happen anyway, that would have damaged our relationship.
Dad doesn't want Mom to have $100 cash. End of discussion.
Seen the money-stashing thing , "someone stole my $" & the complaining about no $ (even tho $ in the wallet).
Money DOES mean independence. Maybe it's worth the $100 (5s &1s maybe?) for her to feel in control. If that is a lot of money for your parents maybe a notebook to keep track of where it went, and the $100 only gets replaced if there is a signed receipt as to where it went, ie caregivers allowed to take tips, but only if signed for.
If your Dad really doesn't want the money around maybe you could tell her that the agencies do not "allow" their caregivers to work in places where money is around or that caregivers are not allowed to accept tips (they may not be!) .