My Mom is not aware of privacy completely. How can I tell her she's rude?

It makes no difference what I say or what anyone else, especially what any other family members say to Mom, the negative results are just the frustrating same! She will scream and holler just the same, asking if she can "come home" to Her Condo! In May, 2013, while she was still in a rehab facility, she had been told by her geriatric care manager that the "going home" option is just too expensive for her very limited assets, and that once the help stops coming because she cannot pay anymore, another fall will very likely happen. Mom agreed at that time in May 2013 to go into a board-and-care place, with people she had stayed with 8 years ago, but now she just seems to have forgotten all about that conversation. So, once again, I am asking our family if she can be interviewed by her geriatric care manager again, the same one who came to see her last month when she was in rehab. I am at my last straw as to what I could now do but just pray for and wait until she has calmed down and will speak calmly only sensible English for whatever the assisted living she is now staying at is being provided to her. I wlll resort to my professor brother who will once again rescue us to try hard to talk some sense to my Mom.

PatatHome01

Rather than labeling the behavior or the person as rude, how about saying: "Mom it really bothers me when you take a phone call when we are having a good time with our family. We cherish time with our kids and you and it upsets me to have it interrupted. I'd appreciate it if you would ask the caller to call back....." (specify a time when you won't find the call to be rude and interrupting) You own your feelings in this conversation and hopefully don't put her on the defensive or hurt her feelings. Are there other things about your mother's behavior that are distressing? I'm wondering if this is "final straw" behavior that really tops things off.

Hi, probably mentioned earlier, but there are some realistic and unrealistic ways to talk with someone. My Mom has become very self-centered, rude and abusive because she must have the 24-hour assisted living for several falls and injuries she has suffered at home during the past year and one-half. She does not seem to realize that that is why she has been placed in a board-and-care by my family and me. Since an April 2013 injury at home, I have not had any free time or rest for myself at our home, even alone now. I have had to help research assisted living places during my free time because my of my (out of 6, only 2 more besides me help out) cooperating family members all live-out-of-state and are often more than not available. I am working a new temporary job and cannot take time off from work because this is not a permanent job, and the first 3 months since I have started since April are not earned yet. If I need any emergency time off, my pay is cut for the numbe of missing hours I do not actually work. The bills in our home still have to be paid by me because Mom is not occupying her place now. But now I feel that danger is possible for both of us unless a profession can get Mom to calm down and think rationally what her wants are instead of acting abusive and yelling at anyone because she has no control and insists she must have her own control no matter what, including wanting to come back home, even though it is very expensive and she cannot afford to pay for private care for more than 6 weeks until her funds completely have run out.

PatatHome01

I just go outside on my phone:) I never get any privacy if I don't.

I'm kind of a wimp, but thanks to therapy, the psychologist Haim Ginott, assertiveness training, and Parent Effectiveness training, I have learned ways to complain that are "nicer" (therefore easier for a wimp to use) and more effective.

NOT to put anyone down because I know we all do the best we can --- But --- calling someone rude is sort of like name-calling. The advice I have gotten is to figure out what you are entitled to, or what injury you are suffering from the behavior.

The masturbating father-in-law is just fine - as long as he keeps it in his room. If he doesn't, you don't try to tell him not to masturbate. You tell him he has to do it in private. Tell him no one wants to look at it, especially not children.

If your mom doesn't respect your privacy, and she's not demented, don't tell her she's being rude. Tell her that you were having a private and important conversation, so would she please take her call elsewhere? You have every right to interrupt her call to tell her this and insist that she change her behavior when you ask. As often as necessary.

It's not her rudeness that is the problem. It's her impact on you that you can object to. Telling anyone that they are being rude will just make them defensive and angry. As with all "good advice," easy to say and hard to do. Good luck.

Frustrated3, I hope the day never comes for you when your head will implode if you don't say simply, "Mom. You're being rude. You need to stop now." After years of hoping, pointing out gently and still being tortured by my MIL's rudeness, I just walk out of the room, even if we are at the table eating because the alternative is to have a stroke after 17 years of putting up with her rudeness.

Thanks AlwaysMyDuty, your response is much appreciated.

Was mom talking on a landline? Could you move the phone and or her chair so she would have to take the call in another room during family time? If she was on her cell phone why don't you say "Hey mom, we have a new rule in the house. When we are having family time or conversations, nobody can be on the phone unless its an emergency." A lot of people I know have this rule, including me, and it works great.
frustrated3, you really should tell her what she's doing is rude and it bothers you. It can be said in a non confrontational tone. It's not fair to you for her to continue to get on your last nerve and its not fair to mom not to be honest with her. She may not know you are upset or if shes doing this on purpose, it needs to addressed. Problems don't go away with just wishing. I'd sure want to know if I was annoying the family. I had to tell my mom several times to stop doing things. Sometimes she didn't know she was upsetting us. Other times she did it on purpose and we got it out in the open so she knew we weren't going to tolerate it. I can't say she always liked it but we found some of kind of solution. It was the fair thing to do for all of us.

Ferris1 - To tell my Mother that she is being rude is something I cannot ever do to her. I will find other ways to address it in a silly manner, but again it is frustrating.

I saw the poem about being rude when you are old after a lifetime of niceness, is okay. How about people who are rude all their life? That's my Mom. I understand when you are older, you are less patient, your body hurts. I get that. I suffer from migraines -- and going out when I have one is awful. But rudeness? NEVER excusable!

My mom and her friends got rid of the red/purple hats because they found they were treated differently (i.e. old) when they had luncheons.

Frustrated3- You do not mention if she has dementia. Just get her aside if she is competent and ask her not to interrupt your conversations. Tell her you consider it rude to do so and you would like it to stop. She will not stop until you ask her to stop, unless of course if she has dementia.

Dear MishkaM, You may be doing all this but you won't be doing it in my house.
My MIL has this attitude and my grandmother didn't. Guess who was more welcome everywhere she went? Not the lady in the red hat. Growing old doesn't give anyone the right to be a brat. Our parents wouldn't stand for that behavior when we were young.

We do step away on occasion, only to be completely frustrated. I don't even see how she cannot see the rudeness of that. Being old doesn't give anyone the right to be rude or grumpy. I've met plenty of older folks who are not the least bit rude.

Invest in a cell phone so you can excuse yourself and walk away. There are some inexpensive and simple "senior friendly" ones that don't have the bells and whistles. You'll be able to have a moment of peace and then have the freedom to return to your mother.

And folks, let's not be too quick to judge frustrated3. We don't know the full story.

I will tell you and everyone else why, no matter your age, you should respect those around you, and it is yes that simple. How could one not know that? Yeh, we stepped away disgusted and disappointed. I'd never take a call in front of others and just jabber on right when we were all having a convo, I'd, 1) not take the call; or 2) take the call and walk away, common courtesy. I'm amazed still.

Warning

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beermats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.
Jenny Joseph

A great poem. To me it says, when I am old I will do what I want after a lifetime of doing what I must. Is it right? Who knows. But I kinda think so. I would also add--when I am old:

I will back out of my driveway without turning around-so get out of my way
I will swear at teenagers
I will braid my hair like a little girl
I will eat with my fingers
I will ask the priest to repeat something I did not understand during mass
I will point , a lot
I will touch your knee when I talk to you so you cannot leave
I will tell young men they need to open the door for me
I will tell young ladies they need to help me load my car
I will tell my neighbors to watch out for me
I will have many cats
And I will talk loud on the phone in from of my family

Yes, old people can be rude but after a lifetime of niceness I say go for it.

I'd say don't sweat the small stuff.

If she doesn't step away, why don't the rest of you?