Okay, I'll try to be brief. I am not an only child but raised as such, with a new husband and her other kids all over 16, my mom (and dad) adopted me.
Her daughters and I are sisters but her son resents me and I am the object of his pain in regard to losing his dad as a young teenager.
Because of these hard feelings (all his,none mine), and him being the only male in the family, my two sisters (one has already passed) follow his lead...which is that he gives no support whatsoever...
They all live out of state. They are all comfortable. They all love their mom as much as me, I presume...no bad blood in our family or radical dysfunction (we are lucky in that!).
I know without a doubt that if it were ANYONE ELSE in the family but me here, giving up all my own life to take care of mom voluntarily and for no reason other than she's my mom, that she would have everything she needed all the time and would not lack for anything. She and her caregiver (if it weren't me) would not have to try to make it on her $1200 a month.
Up until the last year and a half, I was able to make money with a small home business but mom's care comes first and at this point, it is total. I moved in to keep her out of the nursing home and so far I am capable although I do need some help. Help we cannot afford but which the others could spare some to help with...and it is impossible to make it on this much money with the way prices have gone up. We are falling behind and I have been trying to think of ways to get us out of this rut.
But then, this site inspired me to a new plan I had never considered. I am going to write a detailed letter laying the whole situation out and send it to all three of them via email. I am going to express that his hard feelings toward me are affecting his mother's comfort and her health and causing unnecessary stress for me, her caregiver. Whom, as I will point out as I did here...would be far less stressed and stretched if it were anyone but me.
I will suggest that they can pay utility and insurance payments directly and give the info...I will also set up a wish list at Amazon where I buy much of mom's supplies since we live in a small town and since it is easier for me to have things delivered instead of leaving to shop. I will request a little bit for respite when needed, to be provided by the HHC we always choose when we have HHC, through private pay CNA services. That way, when I do get away, I can go without worry and mom is in good hands that are accountable and reliable.
And if her son, who has a habit of wanting to delve into her personal business and try to get her to change things around to his wishes...asks to see any legal paperwork about inheritance or POA's, etc., I will refer him to my mother's lawyer who is prepared for just such a referral.
Mom changed everything to me a couple of years back when she got the nerve to do it...she'd been hesitant about what her son would say about taking him off POA and he and my sister off DPOA and leaving me the house as I am the only one without my own house and have lived with her ten years already, spending the good earning years of my life with her, instead of building my own future...
So I can delegate others to help with this things if they are willing but do not have to cede general overseeing to anyone and do not have to give up my caregiver position in the area of care.
I have been wanting to send updates to all of them for a while but he's made me uncomfortable in doing this. Now I will clear the air and hopefully get them involved to the point they are comfortable and able and then, when mom's gone...we will all feel we did all we could, etc.
What do you all think?
24 Answers
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"Dear Siblings,
As you know I have been caring for our Mother for the past 10 years. In exchange she has willed me her house. You can't imagine how guilty this has made me feel! I think we should all share in ownership of the house. The only solution I can come up with is that each of us alternate caring for our dear Mother, one year at a time, in exchange for 1/10 of the house for each year of care. Your budget will be small ($1200/month) and most of it will go to Depends, etc., but rice & beans is cheap, filling & nutritious, and with some help from the local food bank, charities, food stamps and such you shouldn't need to resort to cat food (the texture is awful---and the smell---yuck! To be fair the Tuna flavor is OK).
We did try doing the begging on the corner for a bit - Mom and a cardboard sign (it said "I need someone to DEPEND on"...get it???). You'd be amazed at what a good actress she is ...she could even cry on cue and look soooo pitiful! She actually had a grand time of it but the local sheriff & APS told us to knock it off.
Please let me know which one of you will be arriving first and what day, so I can make extra tuna casserole for dinner.
Sincerely,
Babalon
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Keep your email short and make bullet points. Easier to read.
Your responsibility is to let your siblings understand the need, request help, and accept what they choose to do. It can be a lonely and frustrating experience.
Simply stating your Mother's physical/financial needs and your need for time away is all that is required. I like the idea of making a wish list on Amazon or even gift cards.
Let go of the past yourself and then you will not feel it necessary to continue bringing all that history to the table. Taking care of your Mother is the primary concern; they will either participate or not. Rehashing "baggage" everyone is well aware of will not nothing to foster the care of your Mother.
If you feel the need for written documentation of all the wrong that has been done, write yourself a letter full of emotions and then burn it! Let it go and move on. Living in the past has no future!
Best wishes.
I am fortunate in my case, and I am thankful. I have quit my job as I was the one in the best position to do so. My siblings and my mom give me a salary, it's not what I had, but we make it work. I am 24/7 with her, but one of them stops every single day, and they make sure I have time away.
My husbands family resembled yours when my mother in law had Alzheimer's. My husband has 6 siblings, plus himself, which equals 7...My father in law use to laughingly say "we have a child for every day of the week should we need care"..little did he know that would never be the case. His family is very close, but five of them opted out of all care in regard to their mom. My husband, myself, his brother, and his wife provided 24/7 care with mom for four years until we ultimately had to place her in a wonderful facility. His siblings were of no help, but yet flipped out at us when we were placing her.....and so it goes....It took the four of us many years to get over the hurt...to forgive...
When we placed mom, my sister in law and I, went to a support group with families and a professional speaker. My sister in law shared our story, our hurt, our lack of understanding of their behavior, our feeling of being used. The professional listened, she was very quiet, and then matter of fact stated the following: "Not their problem, your problem. You made a choice to care for your mother in law, they in turn made a choice not to. They seem to be ultimately happy with their decision, while you are not. They, in turn, do not have the right to question your decision to place her in a facility,you must be satisfied with the decision that you have made to place her, and not spend emotional energy second guessing yourself. Just as you cannot make their choices, they cannot make yours. You are spending useless energy questioning the choices others have made, it is not your right to do so."
My sister in law and I were floored, we were hurt, we were upset at her answer. Years later, I must admit, it was the best advice I had ever received. We spent too much time judging them, while they spent no time whatsoever thinking about our predicament. Write your letter, explain yourself, and see what you can agree on. Be prepared for the answer, either way it goes. If you do not get the answer you seek, move on. Take care of mom as long as you can, spend down what money she has, if any, and consider what works best. You might want to consider a very good responsible college student in your area to assist you. A friend of mine uses this resource, she has found a lovely young woman who has been a god send to the family. She moved in for free room and board, provides care while my friend works. She has been able to earn money outside of the home which has helped considerably. It is a win win situation for them. Good luck, and keep us posted!
I think it is highly unlikely to be successful, but, hey, it is definitely worth a shot, and should be tried. It is only fair to your siblings and your mother to give them a chance to do the right thing.
Have you looked into whether Mother would qualify for Medicaid?
By the way, I did that itemizing of monthly costs to my siblings for years. They didn't care. I'm single, I have a full time job, and I'm living free at our parents' home. I can afford to help them with the expenses. It's my "rent."
Whereas, they have mortgages and other obligations. They have their own bills and their own childred to care for. You're there for mom. Just as they are there for their children. Get it?
I'm not saying it's impossible. My way finally worked - 23 years later. Fave sis is paying for my car insurance ($2000). My oldest bro of next door USED to pay for our $300-some powerbill. Older brother is now giving $300/month to help me to pay for a caregiver on Saturdays when I work. And older sis buys me electronics (laptop, Nook color, etc...) I think what got them to really start helping out was when they came for an extended visit and saw how badly father treated me. I always told them this but it never really registered until they SAW it in person. Then they felt bad for me and started helping out. You see, father never showed his mean side to me in front of people. When my siblings/nieces saw it, they were shocked how terrible he was to me only and not them.
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