How do I respond to dad who wants to go home where it's not safe for him and says he wants to die?

Angel 19 is correct that your dad may have things in his home that he misses and would like to have with him..but, I might suggest that he also may still feel responsible for his home and the whole issue of disposition of his personal/family possessions. If you have other family members to help with this subject, you may be able to develop a reasonable scenario and then a discussion about how it could be resolved might address some of the unspoken worries. We have all felt the anguish of hearing the words that our loved ones would rather die...my heart goes out to you and know, please, that there is support for you both.

I sympathize with you. My mother-in-law used to say that a lot. It's really sad, but basically all you can tell them is that we don't get to decide when we die, that it will happen when it's time. And just keep explaining to him that he can't move back home because your family would feel absolutely terrible if something were to happen to him and no one was there to help him. Maybe he feels like a burden or just wants his independence and it would help if you look into senior centers or assisted living facilities that are closer to your home? Then at least you could check on him at the senior center or he would have someone else overseeing him at the assisted living facility. Just a thought. Good luck!!

Thanks to all for replying to my question and I really appreciate the hugs and prayers. I want to take care of my Dad just the way he took care of me, all my life. The suggestions are very helpful and I will apply them immediately. Hugs to all who are sharing the same journey!

This is so tough. On the safety versus automony scale, my father a father of 9, a WW2 veteran, falls, solidly on the automony side of ther scale. He would rather fall, then be babysat. I insist on rehab so when he falls they are controlled, and he bends not breaks. I know it's scary, but he is a man, and wants to die as a man, calling the shots. We stopped fighting when I honored that. I told him I trusted his judgement, and I do exactly as he says. We get along famously when I insist on something now, which is very rare, he listens. He may not do it, but he will explain why he doresn't wweant to do it. He has just started Stage 5 of parkinson's. It is horrible with a loss of most bodily functions. In the time he has left, till he is bedridden, what ever he says will happen. It's the least I can do for a man who has been there for me every minute of my life.

I agree with angel 19 your fabulous. I thank you for your humanity, and kindness. Take care of yourself, ask for help. God bless you

Hi Jomar58. I'm sorry that you're faced with this, I know how difficult it is. My suggestion isn't much of a quick-fix, I'm afraid. Stand firm with your dad. The next time he brings up "going home", acknowledge that you have heard and understand his desire, and repeat it back to him to show him that you truly ARE listening. Then firmly but lovingly explain to him why this will not be happening, and that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this, no matter how much you wish that you could. Then close the topic out by switching to something else. Something that will engage your dad in a new direction. It can help to create a list of subjects that your dad is knowledgeable on or has always been interested in.

If your dad has blinders on and refuses to speak of anything else, be very kind but excuse yourself from the conversation. Think of a reason to leave the room.

The point of all this is to get your dad to:

1) Accept the situation,
2) Show him that these conversations will never go anywhere.

Also, I am wondering if an anti-depressant medication might prove helpful for your dad. The elderly do suffer from depression, so you may want to speak to his doctor about this. It cannot be easy to relinquish our ability to make decisions for ourselves, and I would imagine it can be a definite blow to our self esteem.

You might also try:

* Telling your dad that YOU need HIM. Tell him all the reasons why his being there is helping YOU. This may help him, as he will feel needed again, as he was needed by you when you were a child.

* If your dad has anything at his former home that he is doing without since he moved in, maybe you could bring this into your home. Familiar things will help him to know that he belongs with you.

These are just a few suggestions, but I hope something in here helps. And by the way, YOU ARE AWESOME for bringing your dad into your home as you have!!! Not everyone will do something like this, as it means self-sacrificing in many areas. It takes a very unique and wonderful person to do what you're doing, and I want to commend you and THANK you for being that person!! It isn't easy, and at times it is overwhelming and you want to beat your head into a wall, but trust me when I say that it is so worth it. Make sure to be gentle with yourself and don't neglect yourself.

(((HUGS)))