How do we tell my dad he's going to assisted living?

The range of emotion in all these answers just proves how unique each situation is. I watched caregiving kill my father-in-law, and was determined not to let that happen to my mother. Additionally, money is a huge issue and the lack thereof may force the issue. It did for my family. My Dad is non-compliant and belligerent and unable to do for himself. I envy Reverseroles her compliant mother...but sometimes you just have to make very very difficult decisions for everyone's benefit. I suggest a 'Board & Care' facility. They tend to be smaller with a better staff/patient ratio, and are usually less expensive (in my case anyway) than a larger facility. Good luck and keep us posted!

I agree with Ferris, keep him home and get live in, or daily help. I find help on care(dot)com . My Mom cant walk, has severe dementia and I still would never move her out of my home. I myself wouldnt want to move. I have a hoyer lift and feed Mom and bathe her, its hard but she is so worth it. Good luck

i think ferris makes a great point. some people would view AL as a living death no matter how good the facility was. home is where a person has had control and dignity their entire lives. in the case of dementia patients i think it would be best to resort to this option when theyre too far gone to even comprehend the loss. this doesnt answer anyones question its just my thoughts on the subject.

To the people suggesting respite care, it's a good option IN THE BEGINNING. But I can tell you from experience, that is not the answer when someone is suffering an illness that is only getting worse. She refuses to go to adult daycare, so I have help for her 2-3 days per week, which do not classify as respite care. I usually spend it doing errands (like grocery shopping) and doctor appointments. Caregiving is a 24/7 job, and with all the stress it involves, trying to have your own life and take care of your own bills/homes/health, there comes a time when you have to be the one to make the choice.

Personally, my life is complicated enough for me to do this much longer. The anger & frustration my Mom has, and taking it out on me, is too much for me to handle. And there is no one else who would do it or trust to do it. So, I believe around the New Year, she will need to be placed, both for her safety and my sanity. I'm not happy about it, but she is unable to do the things she used to do.

I'm going to echo ferris1: Why don't you get some respite care for your parents prior to deciding that your dad has to go to assisted living? From his perspective, going to assisted living would be a drastic decision: besides loosing his mind, he's loosing his wife (unless she is moving with him), his house, and his stability.

I took care of my mother, who had dementia, for 4 years. The only way I survived was because we had great friends who provided respite care so that we could go on vacation 2 to 3 times a year. If you don't have family or friends to provide this care so that your mother can take a break, look for resources at the County level. Even if you, or your parents, have to pay for the respite care, it will be cheaper than an assisted living facility. The caregiver has to take care of themselves first to be able to care for another. Your hardest task may be to convince your mom that she deserves a break and that it's OK for her to ask for help in her own home.
My heart goes out to you....

My mother in law was able to go to assisted living for 30 days, to try it. And she agreed, that after her stroke, it was the thing to do.

Be advised that you cannot force your dad, though and there is a lot of paper work to do. The way that people talked, it sounded like you could just walk in and register. It was much more than that, and if he doesn't sign himself in, you would need conservatorship to force him.

My husband has similar health issues and I looked into independent living for us, but having to move him into memory care when it becomes necessary was so expensive, I decided not to go that route. Instead, we will buy another house (living in apt. now), and since I am already a nurse, I will use my training. I am however, very exhausted even knowing what to do and at times I just want someone to rescue me. Maybe your mother can have respite care 3X a week, your dad can go to an adult senior center where they pick him up and return him with activities and lunch while there, and if you are near you can relieve your mother. Your mother knows how much she can handle, and it is very stressful being in a new environment even if you do not have dementia. So weigh all the options and take some time to really think about this decision. Not everyone does well in assisted living. Best wishes.

hello
I am facing this dilema also. How do you tell my mom Nursing home is where she needs to be for now so that she ? I always let her know it's close to my house and her sister home for them to visit. She constantly says she would rather be in a place with individual attention. The funds are not available for that type of arrangement. She thinks there's money somewhere from my dads estate and wants to talk to my uncle , because he's the executor. That's not a good choice. Cause as far as I know there's no such amount that she's hoping for. It's been invested in pre funeral arrangements and has been spent since 1997.
Thanks for listening
Equinox

Blessings to you and your family during this challenging transition. I'm sure things will go more smoothly for your father with prayer included in the conversations.

A move to assisted living, even if all parties are in agreement, can be a stressful time. Here are some of the ways you can support a loved one:

Acknowledge your loved one’s feelings of loss. Even in the best of situations—where your loved one willingly chose assisted living—grief and feelings of loss are to be expected. Leaving one’s home is a huge upheaval. Don’t minimize their feelings or focus excessively on the positive. Sympathize and respect feelings of loss and give them time to adjust.
Call and visit as often as you can. Regular contact from friends and family will reassure your loved one that they’re still loved and cared for. Continue to include your loved one in family outings and events whenever possible. If your loved one lives far away, regular calls or emails can make a big difference.
Work through concerns together. While your loved one will likely go through a period of adjustment after moving into an assisted living facility, don’t automatically assume that complaints are just part of the transition process. If your loved one has concerns, take them seriously. Talk about what steps you can take together to resolve the issue. And if the problem turns out to be a big one with no apparent solution, be prepared to look at other facilities.
Help your loved one personalize their living space. Help your loved one choose and bring over the meaningful possessions and decorations that will give the new living space the feeling of home. But be careful not to take over. Let your loved one take the lead. He or she is going to be the one living there, after all.

Yes, it is a challenge. Will your Mother stay in her home or go to assisted living with your dad?

I'd give your father a tour of the place (we did this with my mom). I'd then sit down and tell him the truth. Something like: Dad, we love you and want you to have best care for your growing needs. We are unable to give you what you need and think it is best to have you move into an ALF. We'll make your room homey, including some of your favorite possessions and things that will remind you of home (bedding, pictures, furniture, fav chair, etc). We want you to be comfortable and know that it is because we love you we are doing this.

God bless you. I know it is tough. One thing I recommend for all loved ones in assisted living - You must still advocate for them as sometimes you can be deceived by all the bells and whistles.