I'm constantly worrying about something happening to parents. Is that crazy?

Jordana, this is hard stuff...but the truth is, something will happen at some point. That's why you are worried. You are not crazy. Yelling and scolding is not the approved treatment for any form of dementia :-) but you may not be able to do as much about it as you might like. But just having some respite care in there regularly and being in good contact with them is a gift in itself, I wish my parents had accepted more help sooner and things might have been a lot better for them, and for me...

I couldn't get my mom to realize my dad was not just being willful and she yelled at him so much he eventually threatened to shoot her. They had guns too...all unloaded and placed out of reach, at least after I made an urgent visit. Mom did not want to do anything at that point, but after several falls where EMTs were called because she could not help him up, and never even told me about, finally had him placed in skilled nursing and then finally began to let me help with finances and such. Then Mom fell after keeping everything at that level of help for as long as she could, not admitting just how bad things were getting for her, and me not really wanting to see more than she wanted me to. Plus, I just did not know back then what I know now...but could I have changed the course of events a whole lot? Given them two or three happy years together instead of separate nursing homes? Probably not.They had not been getting along well for years before any of it started, really, and marriage counseling was just not something they did as people of their generation and culture. I remember telling the estate planner on one of the routine visits that I was fearful my parents were going to die, and instead of reassurance like I was fishing for, he told me that yes, they were. I realized he wa right, but I still thought we had a lot longer than we did. We did our best to get the grandchildren in to see them and spend time on the few things they might still enjoy, to make a few good memories...but also felt a lot of wishing those memories had not been so few.

Things will happen at some point whether you worry or not - you do the best you can, maybe get a LifeAlert or Lifeline or something if they will accept that, try to engineer some nice times and photo ops with the grandkids for them (if you can - don't feel guilty if that's just not possible or too likely to be traumatic). There is probably no getting around the feeling in the pit of your stomach every time you have an unexpected phone call until you hear enough to know its not one of "those" phone calls. And when it finally IS one of those phone calls, you will probably surprise yourself with how well you handle it.

Please go see a therapist for your own mental welfare. They can really help you walk through what is going on in your life and what you are dealing with. I do this weekly and it has been a blessing!!!

All of these comments give great advice. Also keep in mind that worrying is not a virtue. It is negative energy that hurts you. As ferris1 said, find a way to let go. As Gigi11 suggested, consider the Serenity Prayer. Take angelwhisper's advice if you can, and try to find a support group. Also try learning to meditate. Youtube offers many free videos that teach meditation.

Yes, yes and yes! You know worrying about "tomorrow" never comes because tomorrow doesn't exist. When I read your story, Doris Day's song, "Whatever will be, will be" popped into my head, and I find myself having to sing that song over and over. Whatever will happen, will happen no matter how much you will try to prevent (well within reason) falls, and you name it. Your dad has a terminal illness so no matter how much you try to prevent the outcome, nothing at this time will help change the outcome. Take care of your children, call less often so you are not entangled in their lives because a 10 yr. and 4 yr. old need most of your energies. Find a way to let go because you will have to sooner or later. Best wishes.

I sympathize with your position because I was in it myself. Dad's health started to fail about a year and a half before he died. At that time, he and Mom lived about three hours away from me. I knew she wasn't taking proper care of him because mainly he took care of her. And even if I'd moved near them -- which I couldn't afford to do, jobwise -- my interference wouldn't have been welcomed. So at this point I had to turn to The Serenity Prayer. To pester them to do things my way would just have indulged the inner control freak. Then Dad died and I came to stay with Mom and I'm still learning that efforts to control everything just cause me pain.

Your mom has taken on a very challenging task and she knows that he needs to co-operate with the caregiver in order for her to get her job done. It is very hard sometimes to not get frustrated when you are only trying to do what is best for him. She probably feels that she knows him best and how to handle him. But she really should take the time that she gets with respite care to go and relax and release some of her own anxiety. They are very much capable of handling him. As for your constent worry sounds like you need help yourself, you should locate a support group and talk with someone even talk with your Dr. because you are not doing yourself any good nor your family at this point. Unfortuately this is only going to get worse and eventually will need to go into full time care. You are going to need all of you strength then to get through it. Do try to get help for yourself before you end up ill. Bless you and all the best to all of you.

It sounds like you MOM is in over her head...how old is SHE? Is Assisted Living a possibility for them?

With regards to the "worry" aspect, I know exactly what you mean. My mom is in an Independent Living facility, but I realized that I am in a near constant state of hypervigilance, waiting for those phone calls that come every six months or so, that she's in an ambulance on her way to the hospital, due to high BP, or a fall or something. I know that in terms of "caregiving", compared to most of the others on this board, I have it way easy, but I haven't come up with any coping mechanisms.