Dad went into hospital after having a "melt down" at home and Elder Abuse was called on me. Anyone else dealt with this?

Hi rosie123, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I can honestly say I know how you feel, for I have been in it.
My mother wrote a letter to the daughter of one of her friends alleging that I was withholding food (I was following her dr's orders as to what she should and should not eat), that she wasn't allowed to have or use a phone (she had one in her room which we paid for, because she would not pay for her own and used it liberally, believe me), that she wasn't allowed to go anywhere and it was like she was "in jail" (she was going out for a walk every day of the week, accompanied by me, and as well was going to her dr's appointments, hairdresser, groceries and other stores and malls). So I do understand.
This woman forwarded the letter to the elder care agency and before I knew it I was in the same position as you. The police were also called and were reported to directly from the elder care agency.
This is what I did: I called the elder care agency myself and invited them over for a meeting which I arranged for the elder care agency administrator, myself, my mother, and also called my useless out-of-town sibling to make sure he was a witness to all of this.
I was armed with all of my notes and documentation and remained calm. I allowed the administrator to ask my mother why she had written the letter, which of course she was embarrassed and angry to have been discovered having written, saying that it wasn't meant for "publication" (couldn't take being caught out having done that). She caused a huge storm of trouble with this. She doesn't have dementia or Alzheimer's by the way. She was just angry that she couldn't gorge herself on the foods that she wanted and was not getting her own way.
this resulted in a further three visits from the elder care agency as well as two further calls from the police. You can't even imagine how angry I was at what she had caused for me after I had done nothing but my very best inviting her into my home and caring for her free of charge.
What I would say to you is this: listen to your friends. If you honestly feel threatened in this situation, that your father's actions could escalate, get out now. Let him go back to the NH where they will know how to care for him if he gets into this kind of rage. Don't take any risks of having him in your home where this situation could be repeated -- he's not going to get any better. You have yourself and your own family to care for (as well as fostering, for which I commend you).
You might want to phone your own elder care agency and try to see if they have any suggestions for you. They are used to dealing with this kind of thing.
I wish you all the best and I am sorry that you have had to go through this, but don't let it ruin your life (as it almost did mine). All the best of luck to you.

I certainly am no expert, but my mother's erratic dementia related behavior made me realize I better start documenting her unhealthy, unsafe habits, and illogical behaviors ( which she did not have before the dementia). So almost everytime (I couldn't write all day long!) she did something significantly unsafe or unhealthy (meds, food, behavior), I wrote down the detailed circumstances and who did/said what. This included when her aides reported to me (usually that they had arrived to see that she had not taken her meds from the night before - even though I called to remind her and she swore she had taken them). A lot times these notes revolved around food handling or medication handling. Once, she physically wrestled me for the bottle of Tylenol to take the pills, insisting I was lying when I was right next to her at the sink when she had taken 2 less than 5 minutes prior). That was scary because I had to pry the bottle out of her hands being careful not to hurt her. You can bet I documented that scene. This kind of documentation was very helpful to me with the doctors and the nurses, allowing them to understand the mechanics of her dementia, when they often can't see it as clearly as you do, because the patients are usually more docile and cooperative when in the hospital for a few days, or just going to the doctor for a check-up. Quite honestly, it hurts to have to do such a thing with a loved one, but in the end, it was advantageous because she was able to get the proper care and treatment, and everything I had said about her behavior, the nurses and doctors eventually witnessed for themselves the longer they dealt with her. Now they tell me: your mother won't listen - she keeps removing her leg bandages! Your mother comes out of her room asking for meds 2 minutes after we give them to her - we have resorted to asking eachother to be a witness! Now they know what I went through with her all alone!!

Obviously he is taking his frustrations with his health, mental and physical, out on you. I have the same sort of situation with my mom who has arthritis and dementia. I am sure the authorities are used to this type of situation, so I would not worry too much about the abuse allegations. You have two options as I see it, to walk away- but you may end up worrying all the time and you still have the medical and POA so some responsibility to intervene for him. You could also apply for guardianship which will force him to be tested properly for dementia which will mean grater responsibility but greater control. If he truly has no one else to look out for him, I would suggest the latter option.

I had similar problems with my adult son, who had severe brain injuries in a car accident. Being an educator, I chose to take him through the process of rehab myself when he came out of the coma, along with the rehab center and hospital. It took 10 years to get him to a place of independent living with oversight from me. He got involved with scam artists who convinced him to sue me. He is very gullible, and tends to make decisions that pleases his flesh, and has stagnated at the sexual point of gratification with hookers, prostitutes, strippers and con artists. By the way, he lost the case, but was granted to be his own manager of his life without conservatorship. He has ended up on the streets, breaking the law, being in mental hospitals, and mental institutions and nursing homes. WE have rehab him, saving his life, countless of times. When we get him back on his feet, literally, out of a wheelchair, and health again, he ends up with a stripper living with him, and being abused. We have called Adult Protective Services and still, no action. He is now on kidney dialysis. He calls when he is at the bottom of the barrel emotionally, financially, and in a pickle. Now I am fighting ALS, and have no strength to help him. The stress of trying to help him over the years has just about killed me. My husband and other sons say that enough is enough. They say that this son is 43, and has abused me over and over. I cannot continue to rescue him. So just recently he was on the right track, I was with him through surgery and kidney dialysis, and now he is hooking up with shady characters again. I will just have to let him go and what will be will be. The caregivers sometimes are the victims of abuse by the ones they care for.

I know you love your dad, however your best road may be to take a step back and let them put him where he wants to be. Sometimes when they get to this stage is it best to let them go to a facility. (otherwise you might have constant run ins with adult protective services) My dad is the same way. I just stay away from him as much as possible. I have been accused of things mutilple times, including stealing from him, which I have never done. In fact I have loaned him over $20,000.
Please take it from me, it can and often does get worse. The social worker I worked with said this is common, and protective services look at you as the perp. until you prove otherwise.

Sounds like a challenging situation. You may want to consult with an organization such as one for Parkinson's or the local chapter of the NCOA to see whether there are some helps/legal assistance. Otherwise, you may want to have an initial consultation with an attorney to protect your rights and foster care license. Meanwhile, if you have documentation on your Dad's episodes, that would be helpful. Perhaps we all should be documenting activities, physical issues, emotional outbursts as regularly as possible. Such a log could be helpful in noticing patterns. May not be a document valid in court but might help. Any lawyers or other experts that can chime in?

Blessings to you on whatever you decided to do. Meanwhile, I wonder if there is any recourse to have the person who accussed you charged with making a false report? I guess they could claim good intentions, but it may be worth looking into since you have the foster care issue to consider. Hopefully your good name is preserved by the finding that there's no cause for concern.

My mother also has delusional and paranoid episodes and is prone to exaggeration. She has claimed that someone had stolen her identity, that family members were engaged in mail fraud, that I called law enfocement to get her out of the house, and a laundry list of other things. She or someone else she complained to called Protective Services. They came by and shortly thereafter closed out the case. They asked me if my mother had been diagnosed with dementia.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I told my mother that she was welcome to stay as long as she wanted, but that I wouldn't be able to maintain that arrangement if false information continued to be reported to Protective Services. I told her that I don't want to risk the possibility of being charged with neglect or abuse if the next false allegation were taken seriously. In your situation, you have even more to lose, and you certainly don't want to risk your reputation, your livelihood, or your freedom.

Sadly, our parents have the right to make a variety of bad decisions. I have accepted that I cannot always get my mother to do what I think is sensible or even necessary. Although I care a great deal about what happens to her, I have to respect the fact that she makes her own decisions.

As a nurse and former child protective services case mgr., it sounds like you have given your father 4 years of care while suffering yourself. Is there no one else who can assume the POA duties? If you cannot get a doctor to state he is incompetent, then so be it. Wash your hands of the situation, do not put your own business license in jeopardy because you will forever be explaining what happened...I wish him the best, but if he is this angry, best not be around him.

To: homecare1

I for one would appreciate it if you would not insert yourself in the middle of conversations between caregivers who are in excruciating pain while trying to make decisions about their loved one. Your your answer ignores and overrides all of the questions and comments that have been made in this case and it is clear that you are doing it from the perspective of the work you do.This is not helpful to people in dilemma. If you are a caretaker of an elderly family member or friend, thank you for limiting your post to your personal experience and not biased diatribe about your job.