We moved in with dad to care for him and it's been three weeks from hell. Please help?

Whatever possessed you to murder your own life to give him a quality of life that he neither recognises nor appreciates? GET OUT NOW.

You have to deal with the addiction first before you can deal with the dementia. There are psychiatric facilities than can help him wean off the medications. Addicts of any age are mean and unpredictable. However, you need to have medications withdrawn in a safe way. As well as adding appropriate medication for sleep and anxiety. Then you can determine the mental health and safety needs of all concerned.

I never actually lived w/mom in these latter years (but 3 blocks away), in her current condition but I know how you feel..rude, mean, angry, unappreciative etc.. For me, now that my bro and I now have guardian of person for her, and me as her ss rep-payee things have gotten a little better to take care of her business affairs/health care. But as of 2wks ago.."She yelled at the top of her lungs to me, "Get Out and Don't Come Back", and it's been great..LOL. I still check on her through my live w/her bro, pay her bills (w/her ss ck), do monthly grocery shopping, and cook/send meals (that she sometimes eat/and don't eat...) but at least I know I tried, and still do for her. I totally agree w/KatZin first para, and have done her second para...but mom's not listening to us..and all parents aren't as reasonable as others when it comes to that 5min talk about NHs. Currently my mom is totally angry at only me (not other siblings in diff states) because I'm the one that put the petition into the court and kept all fam informed of various destructive things she was doing; and she blames me for her demensia, sckizophenia/paranoa, and to her, her loss of freedom. She told me she rather have just died not knowing what she has etc..but because I was "Ms Busy Body"...now she can't drive and lost her freedom (86). So yes, she's "Very Angry"....but I feel better that I'm trying/tried to protect and see about her, and that I'm at least doing something to help, even if she has forbidden me from coming over her house, because the sight of me irritates her (in her words)... No disrespect to my mom, but I have learned to over look all the gum flapping, and let it roll off my back..because it's been going on for the last 3 to 4 years (and I use to get very upset that she was upset w/me)....but as my co-worker told me, yrs ago, as she was going through the same, I had to grow thicker skin, because it don't get better...and to this day, my co-worker was so right, and it worked for me, but I'm loving the vacation of "GET OUT, AND DON'T COME BACK... Yes, I'm still there for her, and will return when she stop acting.....

What an honorable thing to do, I could not have moved in with my Parents nor have them move in with me. They are great people but stubborn to the core! And why not! They lived 75 and 84 yrs minding their own "business" and doing what they wanted to do, right, wrong or indifferent. But for you to now live your life In hell while doing all that you can to help your Dad who doesn't want this type of help...says to me you better regroup now and turn this car wagon around before it runs severely off track...you have your Family to take care of also.
Have you asked your Dad what would he like? Someone to come in, AL but be firm and loving in telling him that something must change, that you fear for his well being and would do anything to help him...as you have already demonstrated.
My Mom was addicted to nerve and pain pills, didn't know how bad until I had to intercede in their "business"
We can't help those that don't want to be helped and sometimes when we do what we must do, its not well appreciated. Let your conscious be your guide and then know you've done your best
Best wishes to you!

36 hours and eldercare for dummies are both helpful and reassuring....as is this site.

I can understand your situation. My mother has dementia/alzheimer's. There is no way of slowing the condition down, despite the expensive drugs the Dr. orders. You must prepare to leave and opt for a caregiver/assisted living situation. My life is horrible for the past 9 months since I had to move in here w/her. It is a nightmare. Get Help! Please! That is what I am trying to do on a fixed income if I hope for any health or sanity for myself.

Three weeks? You are a quick study. Realistic, good for you. Is it too late to get your house back? He needs a roommate like him to terrorize, or a male caregiver with fortitude. I would agree you need to find an alternative care solution, take your family back to normal life, lesson learned. Don't second guess yourself:) xo

This is just my own perspective, everyone has the right to their own opinion.

83 years is a long life. I suspect that it is the rare person who lives much longer than that. I personally don't think that pain pills and sleeping pills should be seen as evil when a person is facing the end of life. In a younger person the risk of addiction that can shorten life or lead to a lower quality of life should be avoided. But for someone who is facing the end of life I would think that the pain associated with the decline of physical and mental vitality could be alleviated with pharmaceuticals without guilt, either guilt of the patient or the caregiver. It seems that insomnia is a common problem for us all as we get older. Sleep deprivation is actually a form of torture, literally. If the problems suddenly started after the medications were withheld......maybe you could re-think that decision.

Of course, I don't want to see any patient turn into a "zombie" or be medicated so that they can be ignored! Of course, I wouldn't want anybody to overdosed on any medication in any way!

I have been helping to care for my mom a little over a year and I can tell you it only gets harder and harder (for everyone involved.) The patient won't adapt to you and your family's routine. You will all have to adapt to "Planet Alzheimer's" and if soothing pain and inducing sleep helps I personally don't think there is anything wrong with that.

I am absolutely shocked and now dismayed at the overdosing of the elderly on this site.. It's a perfect example of what is being described on CNN and FOX. Physicians will give you anything that you ask for, or complain about.
With the exception of morphine FOR PAIN, I do not see the continuous use of these drugs on elderly persons who show all the signs of dementia and the uncomfortable aging process. Comfort them and let them live until the day comes that they expire.

Dear My 5 Dollys
I can understand what you are going thru. Do you have medical poa over your dad? Because you need to find out why he was on those meds. Once you do, then you can move forward, maybe a light sedative just to calm his nerves until this transition becomes more comfortable for him. I know that with my mom , we have to continually remind ourselves to keep on being light hearted and happy. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS DONT SHOW FEAR. I' m not kidding! Once you show that a situation is out of control or you lose your temper, they can sense it. Then it's over, and the entire situation is out of control. Can you take him to live with you? Or is your house gone for good ? But I would have a family meeting and make it clear to him what you have done for him and what you expect of him, if he cannot learn to accept this , then you might have to find other ways to care for him. I found it very helpful to the book called "the 36 hour day" it was very enlightening. So I really hope things calm down for you, I think it might be a bad transition period and things might calm down for you once you lay the cards out on the table . I ll be thinking of you , try to be strong!!!!

I have the exact same experience except for the two drugs. My father is 86 and has turned into a mean and hateful old man as well. I started to attend support group meetings to learn that his brain is deteriorating at about 3% a year. I learned how to cope better because I moved from out of state and had no other options. The caregiver and family relationships suffer the most, and a recent article in a newspaper stated that caregivers are often running "a marathon that breaks their spirit, sends them fleeing the house in a rage - and even at their breaking point - causes them to abuse the sufferer whom they love." The article also goes on to say that "Alzheimer's is a disease that loves to ensnare a caretaker whose ordeal can almost match the afflicted person's . . ." It's a life changing experience that forces you to either roll with the punches or find another way out. I wish there were more books published that helped the caregiver with vital information to learn how to cope or warn them or something - but sadly the focus is on the person with the disease and not those that have to deal with it.

Sleeping pills are often strong benzodiazepams (tranquilizers) and really the meds taken during the day are enough the relax and settle your loved one for a peaceful night. My problem(s) are two-fold 1) How do I get her to take them?? and she is sooo stuborn she says the doctors and research is wrong - it's only me to caregive & with my bad bad back it's almost impossible. Help!

One (1) or, in extreme cases two(2) tranquilizers a day is usually more than enough to settle the most radical mind "frazzles" or "dead to the world" attitude which often plagues a demented love one. It takes a few weeks for our elder loved ones to re-adjust, but well worth the wait. Try to stay away from sleeping pills

" he was addicted to Loratab and Lunesta." This statement might lend a clue to why he is agitated, too. Where was he getting pain meds and sleeping pills? I would be very mad, if someone came in and took away my meds. (I am playing devil's advocate, here.)

You don't say that your father has dementia or any mental problems, but perhaps he does. This sounds like what I go through every single day with my mother, who does have dementia. I am seeking help to see if I can find medication to stop or at least calm some of this down and you may have to do the same.

This behavior will take a toll on you, your husband and your children....they do not need to live in a volatile environment.

If your Dad does not have dementia or alzheimer's then, he may just be angry that you have now entered his home, you are changing his schedule and your kids are loud and are running all over the place. My Mom cannot stand it when anyone comes to visit especially with loud running kids, it is upsetting to them and they cannot handle it! My mother has threatened spankings, slaps in the mouth, you name it!

Your father has lost his wife essentially, he realizes he is getting closer to death, and he sees his life slipping away and someone else trying to tell him what to do....he is ticked!

I would honestly check into medication for him. Or see if you can put him in a facility, do not feel guilt, you have tried.

The loss of freedom for a parent is a huge blow to everything that they ever believed in. It is not unusual for a parent to turn bitter during this time in their lives. It is like the day you get out of college and have to move back into your parents house until you get that first job and are able to move out on your own. It is hard. They are now the child and you are now the parent.

Did you talk to your father before you made this huge change. Older people have a big problem with change. I moved my father in with me when there was not other options for him. It was, for me, not an option to put him in a nursing home, but I had also been preparing him for it for the last year with little 5 minutes talks about his wishes. When the time came, and it out of the blue we had to move fast but it was easier for him because we had those little talks. Your father also had an addition to overcome. I would suggest some counseling for him for most likely what is depression and for you, and for both of you to get some communication going. I know what you are going through is so hard and what I have gone through is so different than what you are going through because my dad accepted moving in with me. I think I am one of the lucky ones. He died peacefully Tuesday morning at 7:30am after living with us for a little over 3 months. I hope you and your father find peace in this most difficult time.

Some of this behavior may be new and some may have existed but you weren't aware of it having lived apart. Also, his living arrangements have changed from being alone to being part of a family with under age children. Even lovely children are a bit of an adjustment for an elderly person. Elderly people don't like change for the most part. He is probably unhappy that his wife is no longer able to live with him and has poor health too.

I would see if his medications are correct and try to reinstate his routine prior to the move in of the family. If he was not a bully all of his life it may be part of the aging process. Many elderly rail against the limitations of old age. Unfortunately, they tend not to realize the effects on others. As we age we tend to see our needs to the exclusion of others.

You may need to move out and get home health aides for his care. Moving him to a NH or an assisted living facility may be difficult if he fights most change.

Good Luck. Caregiving is very difficult and the caregivers are often frustrated.
You are trying to care for the younger children and the elderly which can be
a tall order. Each age group has unrealistic demands and both see things only from their point of view.
Elizabeth

Life isn't meant to be 'Hell". Pls find a caregiver or two and move out. Keep an eye on him daily and be near. You only have one life to live.

How much time did you spend with your father before making such a significant move? Did you sell your home?

Here are your options, based upon limited info you provided:
1) Sell dad's home and place him into an assisted living facility (unless he has enough savings to pay for ALF)
2) Move out and hire at home caregivers

Thank you for what you tried to do. It would not have worked for me to live with my mother, at all.
Did he ask you to move in? How did it come about? As you have found out, you either need to hire a lot of help, or run. Taking care of him will adversely effect your health and your family.

Was he always like this? Or is this a new behavior. If it's new do you have access to his doctor (health care power of attorney etc) to ask for help? Is there a way to bring him into YOUR space? (or did you sell your home). Perhaps a change of environment would help him get a new perspective. Also . . . he is 83 and his child has to take care of him. Is he depressed or ashamed. I'm sorry for your trouble. Did you all have conversations about you moving in and why you were doing it? Was he agreeable to it? If you did in fact sell your home to move in and care for him then you have a heart to care for your dad. It's a hard row to hoe. Three weeks feels so long but in the grand scheme of it it may just be an adjustment time. How old are your kids? Can you explain things to them. This could be a very valuable time for them to understand these things of life. Our current culture tries to sanitize, birth, aging and dying. It's messy. Life is messy. It's good that they learn that so they don't get hit by all the curve balls in life. if they are young chances are . . . they won't remember much. My aunt came to live and die with me when my children where 3 and 6. they have no memory of it. God bless you. There is a promise with "honor your father and your mother so it will go well with you" Blessings in your effort.

So sorry! What kind of care does he need? How hard would it be for you to move back out into your own place AND could the gap be filled with a paid caregiver or an assisted living placement for him?? Do NOT allow what has happened to continue , if you lay the cards on the table with him and he ignores you it's time to move on. Can you lay out house rules with him? How cooperative is he?