ILYMOM Asked July 2013

Falling apart...I can no longer care for my mother.

As I mentioned about my mother that had taken a bad fall and the trip to the ER, Things took a turn for the worse the next day. Her breathing was not good, she was very short of breath and her pain was unbearable... So, I had to call for ambulance to transport her back to the hospital. With her conditions, she was admitted for four days. We are back home now. Things are much worse with caring for her. She has slipped away dramatically! My own health has become much worse... I was on my way home from after being with her in the hospital, being very exhausted, I blacked out under the wheel and went into a seizure like state, with uncontrolable shaking and then passed out. My car landed up against the guardrail from the side of the road... paramedics had arrived, and I was taken to the ER... being exhausted and stressed to the max had taken its toll on me! I feel I can't go on another day! I'm so scared and worried about my mother and with my own health issues it isn't safe for neither of us at this point. I now have decided to look into nursing home facilities for her safety and care, and the guilt is already starting to set in before I even get started, but I know this is the best thing i can do for her now.

Burnout

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Sometimes God gives you a sign....and Hitting the Guardrail sounds about right for him. Slow down and take care of YOURSELF first!

Helpful Answer (6)

Krazy, you are NO help to your mother if you're so stressed out that you aren't taking care of yourself. It sounds like a nursing home is the best place for her right now. Don't feel guilty, you've done what you can do, now let the professionals take over. Talk to her doc and get her the care she needs.

You know, I am reminded of a sermon I heard once where the pastor was talking about the commandment to "honor thy father and mother." She told us to remember that HONORING our parents does NOT mean sacrificing ourselves for our parents. It means that we have a responsibility to make sure they are OK. To make sure they are getting the care they need. It does NOT mean that WE have to be the ones providing that care, especially at the cost of our own health and well-being.

Helpful Answer (6)

You need to get yourself in better shape before you can consider taking care of your mom. Your idea to get her into a nursing home is a good one! Take the time to take care of your health and reduce your stress. If you break down, you're not going to do yourself or your mom any good. Don't feel guilty - you can only do what you can do. I'm sure you'll hear that from a lot of other caregivers on here.

Helpful Answer (5)

There should have been someone who told you she could have gone from the hospital to a rehab........which is a nursing home that takes short term patients! Medicare will cover this for up to 6 weeks if the Dr agrees if not then 3 weeks! YOU need to care for you before you crack up......believe me been there!!! I am a Nurse and have been taking care of my Mom for 5 years every day its something else, she lives with my husband and myself has OCD, depression, Anxiety disorder, COPD, and IBS.......so lol depending on what's acting up that is how our day goes. She had a mini stroke in Nov and was at a rehab after the hospital for 6 weeks gave me a chance to rest and get myself back on track....Good Luck

Helpful Answer (5)

I just want to send you a big hug and prayer! Don't feel guilty. You are not doing anything wrong. I think finding a nursing home for your mom is acting in the best interest of your mom and yourself. It will give you some time to recover from your health issues. It's like being on a plane and they tell you to put on your oxygen mask before your loved one's oxygen mask. Because if you go down without oxygen then no one will be there to help save your loved ones....in essence you are your mom's hero!!!

Helpful Answer (4)

When you tell us you fell apart, what permission are you looking for to put yourself back together? Do you want to be whole and thriving?
Do you understand that you are not handling this for YOUR survival?
You need to step back from survival mode, RELAX and REGROUP.
You can and must do that. Obviously, you are reaching out for help and advice. Please let the hospital take care of her and stay away for a couple of days. Running yourself into the ground is counter-productive and of no help to either of you. Be healthy, dear one:) xo

Helpful Answer (4)

Caregiving doesn't end once our loved one is in a nursing home. I cared for my dad in my home for 5 years. Then he went into the hospital and became worse. A nursing home was a last resort but that's what we decided. But my dad was so comfortable having me looking after him that the separation from me was very difficult on him and by extension, on me. The only time he was at peace was when I was with him so of course I was with him as much as possible. The caregiving doesn't change, it just gets different. I remember at one point thinking how much more stress do I have to be under before I have a heart attack? It was unbearable. Dad was calling me at all hours of the night. The NH was calling me constantly. I couldn't walk into the place without having at least 2 people telling me they needed to discuss my dad's health or his Medicaid application or any number of other things. I wondered how much stress my body could handle. My prayer at night? "God, please make it stop."

My caregiving didn't end until my dad died 6 weeks ago. He was in the NH for 7 months but I was always his caregiver.

Helpful Answer (4)

Sweetheart, if you allow yourself to mourn, work your way through the stages of death, your stress will fall away and you will enjoy your mother's final days. She needs you most now. A hospitol is a horrible place to die. Call hospice, and get some help with your grief, and respite care for yourself. God bless

Helpful Answer (3)

First I want to send you a giant hug, you don't have to feel guilty about wanting to keep your mother safe, you have your own issues that require your attention. You are a strong person by admitting you are unable to do it. There are no laws that state that you have to do it, you are being very sensible about your situation. It doesn't mean that you love your mother any less. Take care of you because I'm sure she wouldn't want anything to happen to you. Bless you for being strong.

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I say next time smack the Captain.

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Falling apart...I can no longer care for my mother.

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