What do you do when a parent is in denial?

We asked the doctor about driving and he got mad and said "This is a family matter, don't drag me into it." We filed a report with DMV signed by all 3 children; it took 6 months to get a NYS Road Test and the idiots passed her. Finally we borrowed her car and never brought it back. This year she had a CT scan and the neurosurgeon had the courage to tell her "Sell the car".

I'd (1) check local agency on aging, (2) consider getting legal guardianship, (3) call the DMV as they may be able to do something without involving you.

The fact they are living in assisted care & your Dad is drinking and/or driving is so egregious to me. They are responsible for your parents welfare & well-being. Why haven't they done anything? They are probably letting your parents leave because they are not doing what they are supposed to do legally. First, I would report them to the State.

I can only tell you my experience re my Mom's driving. When I saw she was having issues & I told the doctors, they would tell her "you should let your daughter drive" and used several different issues (bending the truth to keep her from driving). I also said it in front of her when we went to the doctor. When she was seen by the neurologist, by law, he had to report her to the DMV and her license was revoked. The one thing that bothers me (and I have heard it from friends who have a parent who drives -- that shouldn't) is that we are afraid of our parent's stubbornness/anger. I remember telling the doctor that I knew my mom would be curious, but I was more concerned about the innocent 6-year old on his bike that my Mom will eventually hit and kill because she doesn't see him. PLEASE, take the keys NOW. Call the dealership and tell them not to make any more keys for your Dad due to medical issues, call his insurance company, take the freaking battery out, whatever you have to, so he won't drive. Because even though you are not the POA, you know what is happening and need to take action. And if he was just a friend who was drinking and driving (and not your parent), you would stop them. I think we all want to please our parents and treat them with respect, but there are times that just isn't possible anymore.

BTW: where is the Power of Attorney? Because this is definitely something he/she should be handling. Luckily, I have financial & health Power of Attorney for my Mom (which made it easier). Your Power of Attorney can name a co-POA (such as yourself or one of your sisters), so you can legally take some actions. I have closed most of my Mom's credit cards, her name is not on the checks and I gave her a debit card (so she can't overspend).

I know it is really a hard and thankless job. But sometimes we have to do things that upset our parents to protect them from themselves. I hope you are at least able to get the car away from him ASAP.

I live in Virginia and I know that here you can contact the state and ask that they appoint an elder care attorney to oversee the elderly in such circumstances. How do I know this? I dated such an attorney who represented a woman who came from West Virginia to live with a friend in Virginia. Her family in West Virginia contacted the states attorney of Virginia to look into her welfare and appointed her an elder care state appointed POA to look out for her and her well being. Don't know if this helps, but in the matters of your mother and her oversite where your father is concern, I would look into it. Of course they include family members in the care of the loved ones, they just handle the difficult situations.

First sit down together and compare notes. Do you all see the same behaviors? Do you all agree he should not drive? Do you all agree he needs financial supervision? Are you and the Assisted Living staff in agreement about their needs? Getting everyone on the same page can be difficult, but it is necessary to get anything done. The surrogate's court will only act if you all agree what needs to change.

Hi. I have a problem with my 89-yr-old mother still wanting to drive. You can go to your state's DPS website and you can file an anonymous alert on your father's driver's license. You have to do a little searching to get there, but it was under driver's license renewals, then elderly drivers. I did this recently, thinking nothing would be done till my mom went in to renew her license, but she got a letter from DPS stating that someone has raised a concern about her driving and she needed to come in and discuss it with them. She's been to enough doctors that have told her to stop driving that she never suspected it was me filed the alert. Good luck!

Who is your parents POA? By the way, POA is never financially obligated for debts of the person. They are an agent, empowered to act on the person's behalf. Consult an attorney who specializes in elder affairs.

Your local Adult Protective Services may be able to help, too.

This is a very taxing problem. My In Laws are living at home with 24 hr care. They will be BROKE in about 9 mos. We can not get them to understand that unless they move to a facility now things will get real bad. We have no extended family and the dr has been of no help taking fil license away and we are scared to death... I hope you can find someone to help you , so far in FL. we have had no luck.. Keep us updated.

Hi. You posted this five days ago and no answers? So I'll jump in and see if we can get something started. Can your dad's doctor help? Does local law enforcement have any options regarding his driving? Have you been to any caregiver support groups? Local agency on aging? Talked with an attorney? Hopefully someone will answer who has experience with this. Meanwhile, reach out in the community. Best wishes in this difficult situation.