How can I balance caring for grandma, my disabled husband and my 11 yr old daughter when I have no compensation to allow me freedom?

Forget the compensation. Find an alternative living arrangements for grandma and put your priorities with your disabled husband and young child, where they belong. Don't forget you need to also take care of yourself.

Start by giving the 11 year old more responsibility.

u took this on so do right accordinly.

I am so sorry that you are in the middle of such a terrible problem. From my perspective (not knowing all the facts) one thing I see is jealousy. Your grandmother wants you all to herself. She is especially jealous of your daughter since she has been a needy child as all children are. Your daughter probably is also jealous of your grandmother, because that's what kids do. I commend your husband for wanting to remove the child from the situation, but that is so unfair to you on all fronts, to say nothing of your daughter feeling for the rest of her life that you didn't love her as much as your grandmother.

You also have issues of respect (or lack thereof). You are very respectful to your grandmother, as you always have been. So it is hard for you to tell her that her behavior is unacceptable, even though it is. You are so afraid she is going to get mad at you that you have become paralyzed and cannot act.

She also sounds like a very controlling person. This is not a good way to be, but at her age, she may not know how to stop being that way. You need to be aware of that possibility.

And how are you supposed to act to an elder? You now are a grown-up. You have the right to ask all the people that you come into contact with to be respectful of all others. And there have to be consequences if someone does not respect your wishes (as long as you have acted respectfully, but firmly in your requests) whether in your presence or absence. (Jealous people can be controlling enough to be well behaved in the presence of one person, but when that person is gone not at all.) In this case I think that is may be time for your grandmother to know that the consequences of her actions can lead to her going into a nursing home or that your entire family are moving back to California without her.

Finally we come to your father. He probably had a hard time having a mother who preferred her 13 year old daughter to himself. More jealousy. He might have had a hard relationship with her throughout his life. That doesn't give him the right to ignore his responsibility to his family, including you and his grandchild as well as his mother. Again as an adult, you need to tell him respectfully what you need help with. If he doesn't comply, find some kind of consequence that will be the result of his actions. I don't know exactly what that would be.

I hope that you are able to break out of the middle of this situation. I have been there when I was very young and I didn't know what to do. Hindsight being 20/20 I have given you the best advice from my experience.

Sorry to be so blunt; however, you can't allow anyone or anything to come before your own family....especially your daughter. She should be your primary concern. The way she is being treated now will have a big impact on the rest of her life!

Call your area department on aging and ask for help. Let your Father know this is his Mother and his responsibility. Give him a two-week window to come up with other arrangements. Having money is not going to change the way Grandma treats your daughter!

corrections...

Grandma MUST BE RECEIVING Social Security

done to rub HER (meaning grandma) the wrong way

________________

AND, BTW, what's wrong with Grandma that she's living with you, med, psych, or simply aging?

Much more detail is needed here...
Grandma mystery season Social Security?
What's the issue between grandma and your daughter?
How old is grandma and what could an 11 year old have done to rub you the wrong way. Unless there's something substantial that you were in agreement with, you need to put your foot down to your grandmother and protect your daughter.
Why would you tolerate somebody being partially pleased that your marriage is falling apart?
What disability does your husband have and doesn't he receive some disability payment? As the daughter of a disabled parent, isn't she entitled to an allotment as well?
Your daughter was going to go to California with your husband? But now "they" have remained with you in Hawaii?
What financial assistance or compensation would you want? Where would it come from? Does dad have any financial resources? Does grandma?
What kind of family assistance is available in Hawaii? AFDC? Well Child insurance?
Plez try to get some answers about these things and let us know. Knowledge is power!

It sounds like you need ask your dad to help you with his mom.if she is more comfortable with you, fine but he has to at least help financially. Create a financial spreadsheet, sometimes when people see the costs on paper they understand better. Also, California has senior affairs advisors, i know years ago I'd you visited your parents in california more often then twice every two years you could be held financially responsible for them. I have a rule in my house, that in common areas everyone must behave like a guest to each other-no inappropriate behavior or get sent to your room. It is the price we pay to be part of a family living together each with their own illnesses. Of course the most seriously ill, is forgiven but reminded not to do it again. I would give your grandma some ground rules for getting along.