Can I hire my 21 year old daughter to watch my Mom while I run errands or just need to get out of the house for a while?

Raven, et al,

As long as a you can afford to pay your daughter, in your circumstances, it could be very helpful for her, & you! Goodness knows, job markets are really tough--some areas, even worse.
Many families, there's just no money to pay for help.
They get stuck in extended caretaking, often in ways harmful to themselves, because State and other Systems fail to, or can't help under their parameters/rules, or, the caregivers do not know how or where to turn.

As much as we love our elders and family members, each family has to arrange things how it works best for them, while maintaining their own decent health and well-being; sometimes, keeping focus on priorities, can suffer--like, a parent has a first responsibility to maintain their health and ability to function, especially if they have children in the house--immediate family needs, kinda trump elder care, often; sometimes, there's no way to get around that--parent[s] need to protect their kids first, their elder, 2nd.

NOTHING says anyone must allow themselves to be destroyed by caregiving circumstances.
No rule mandates how long one must do it--one does it as long as they are able; it's OK to say "I have to stop now", if that becomes an issue.
There were a couple things posted, that sounded like you are very close to "at your wits ends" in your elder care adventures.
There's NO disgrace in seeking elder respite care, or even admitting her to a facility for extended care--you need to protect your health & your daughter's too. Elder care is very hard stuff!

Have you contacted your nearest Area Agency on Aging, to see what they might be able to offer?

It sounds like your daughter is perhaps, up for the task, at least for a bit.
Please keep good communications going with your daughter though.
Out of duty, she may try to not say anything.
Make sure she understands your abilities & feelings, as you try to understand hers.
The 2 of you can be a unified front, mutually supportive, in your elder's care--not only taking care of your elder, you are taking care of each other--perhaps may need to be that unified front when it comes to other's opinions of your caregiving [other relatives].

Only you can figure your limits--what works best for your family.
Please take care of you, too!
IMHO, your idea to pay your daughter for doing -occasional- elder care, seems good for all involved.

Sometimes [[hah! USUALLY!]] caregivers of all ages need to really 'get it' that our charges can't help behaviors brought on by dementias & other problems--those can hurt worst, when we forget to keep knowledge that they are not themselves, at the front of our awareness.
None can hurt our feelings & shatter our souls, quite so effectively as our loved ones--even worse, loved ones who now have these behaviors!

When feeling emotionally overwhelmed, we need to 'step away'--do something to change the situation--to interrupt the behaviors.
It's OK.
Sometimes it's saying words that cause the elder's mind to slip to a different gear--calling them by a different family name, or suddenly switching topics to the weather, etc. diversion;
sometimes it means putting up signs we see daily in the house, reminding us the elder cannot help their behaviors or reminding us of better thoughts to focus on;
sometimes a quick walk in a garden, a whiff of aromatherapy, some pleasant music, or talking it out here, or with a friend.
Sometimes a drink of water, deep breathing, a good cry, a hug from someone else.
Sometimes, it means calling 911 for help/witnesses.
Sometimes, it's an E.R. trip that will turn into admitting the elder to a facility.

Caregivers need supports, protections & care, too!

To pay or not to pay that is the question. That is beside the point, the point is can the daughter cope with her grandmother? If she can and is willing and able a couple of hours here and there won't kill her. If you can afford it certainly pay her, it sounds as though she could use the money. She certainly should be reimbursed for the use of her car when she runs errands. There are many other ways she could and should be helping in the household and garden without pay. Don't treat your daughter like bone china, the sooner she learns the responsibilities of adult life the better she will cope later.

Raven1, you need a break! If your daughter is willing to help and there is money to pay her, and doing so helps all of you then do it. If not your daughter then pay someone else. You need to take care of yourself, too! Stress is harmful in so many ways and if you're not well then it's that much harder to continue providing care for the people you love. Good luck to you!

@cleogin:
Forgive me if I misunderstood you when you said: "Pay her, seriously? She should want to do this out of the goodness of her heart. I helped with my grandparents, when I was a teenager, and I learned compassion, responsibility and a lot more, AND I would have NEVER, thought about getting paid!" That still sounds pretty judgmental to me. Just because something was right for you doesn't mean it's right for everyone. But I hope we can just agree to disagree. :)

Dear Lost123: I have to write you a special note because your post touched my heart and made me cry. You are so young to do this for your Grandmother! You are a blessing indeed!

I think one thing that really hit home with me was when you said you were working outside doing the gardening and yet grandma wanted you to do the laundry for your uncle and you replied that you were busy with another chore, so grandma flips out and says a lot of nasty things to you and told you that she doesn't know why you even bother to come over. You mentioned how that broke your heart and I could feel it!!!!

My Mom says and does the same exact things to me. I have basically given up my life just as you have to care for them and yet you are abused for what you do. I can feel myself want to cry and the sick feeling you get in your stomach when that happens.

It is VERY hard to be the only person around to do this job...paid or not. It is hard as an adult and even more difficult as a young person. I know you love your Nan and I know how hard it is to do a job that no one thanks you for or tells you how much you are appreciated or loved.

I want to thank you for what you do for Nan, I know it is not like hearing it from Nan but I want you to know you are a wonderful, brave young woman and I pray that God Blesses you greatly!

Thank you all for taking time to answer my question. My daughter is a senior in college who is struggling at this time as she has run out of financial aid and she has not graduated. She has never asked me for a dime to care for my mother, however I am very stressed and I honestly need a break.

I would love to take a class, even a cooking class, just anything to get out of the house for a while during the week. The only time I leave the house now are for doctor appointments, which are rare. I ask her to go buy groceries, pick up Mom's RX's, just anything that I cannot get out of the house to do and she does it without complaining and she uses her gas and car. She has not been able to find a job and honestly at times I am glad because I need the help, but I know it is only a matter of time and she will be working.

If I want to get out of the house and do not have the option of my daughter then I would have to pay someone to stay with her, this is why I asked the question...If I have to pay a stranger, then why am I not paying her and giving her a little spending money? I did not have a good reason not to.

My Mom has her moments of being verbal and angry. The other grandchildren will not even come to the house any longer as they do not want to be around it. My daughter however, has no such escape. I have not even mentioned this to her and she may not want to have anything to do with it when I do, I just needed someone to bounce this thought off of. I think my Mom would do much better if the person staying with her was someone she knows as her memory only lasts about 15 minutes.

I decided to take on the care of my mother because she cared for me when I was ill. I have also care for her sister, my father and brother in law and now Mom and I did it out of love, but it has turned into obligation that has gone on for over 10 years and I am worn out. Something has got to change, I am mentally and emotionally depleted.

If your daughter is willing and interested in looking after her grandmother for pay, I say go for it! You get a break, your daughter and mother get time together, and your daughter makes a bit of money. Win win!

@didnotsignupfor, You said to me:
" You don't know. The point is everyone's situation is different and you should not judge, especially given so few facts." I don't recall judging. Ravin made it clear, that ALL she was asking, was that she needed her daughter to watch the grandmother, when "she left the house for AWHILE." There is a difference.

I think it depends a lot on the family situation. A loving adult child with "enough money" "should" caregive mostly for free. A grandchild "should" help out from time to time out of the goodness of his heart. To expect a grandchild to be there reliably at a certain time, more than once a month, is giving the grandchild a "job," and jobs are paid.

If there is plenty of money in the family, it may be logical to expect a kid whose college tuition is being paid for, to do his "duty" for free. If there is no money, maybe the kid should do it for free out of duty. There is probably no alternative! If there is money available, and if the kid might otherwise get paid work, it doesn't seem fair to order him to take on this hard job with no incentive.

Raven,

Short answer:
You -can- have a responsible adult--relative or stranger-- to elder-sit while you need to do errands
---As long as they have some familiarity with what needs done while you're out,
and, like BB-sitting kids, emergency numbers to call.

Is your daughter getting a free ride living under your roof?
That's OK, if that is the arrangement you are all comfortable with.
I hope your daughter behaves as an adult household member.

Adult = age 21, unless there are handicaps.
An adult child may have responsibility of her classes to accomplish.
She may even have a job to help pay her way.
==She -also- has duty to help keep whatever household she lives in, operating smoothly--rent, utilities, housework, takes out garbage, etc. normal household duties ALL members need to participate in, if they are able
[i.e., your elder cannot].

Even adults and teens who may have their own homes, depending on circumstances, may be expected to come help relieve the main caregiver--paid or not. Love, feel sense of duty, whatever.

Sometimes, young adults have a hard time developing a sense of responsibility, and it shows if they balk at -reasonable- requests or otherwise act immature.
If a person fails to develop a sense of duty / responsibility by the time they're in their 20's, they need some Tough Love--some Reality Checks, to get them back on track--otherwise, they'll keep blowing off responsibilities the rest of their lives--that's all kinds of trouble for them & others.

IMHO, it's fair to have your daughter elder-sit to allow you to run errands...you need to get out sometimes, too!
It's like you're asking her to do it daily, or even regularly, nor for days at a time.
That might be different.
IF you lack income to afford to pay her, she should not expect pay--she is not only a family member, but part of your household.

Young people can do a good or poor job of it, whether paid or free.
So can a stranger brought in to elder-sit.
Communication and expectations need to be clear.

Sometimes, parents fail to be clear about expectations with kids who stay living under their roofs.
Sometimes it's OK.
But mostly, communication needs to be very clear, that a kid staying under the parent's roof, must behave as an adult, & participate in the upkeep/maintenance & family activities under that roof.

It's different for each family...I hope things go well for you!

I might add, there are states in which the relatives of an incompetent or ill elder is required by law to provide care. Check your state to see what your laws state. And I too am hearing from my husband he can never do anything right. Then time passes and he forgets what he says...

Every case is different, depends on the set up, the situation and the finances. But l went back a couple of posts and reread lost123. Hers is the difference between true caretaking and occasional babysitting. She is very young (and I might add very responsible and loving) to subject herself to such treatment by her beloved grandmother. Because I'd like to believe that her grandma can't help it, I have suggested in a personal hug to her that she talks to her mom about getting her grandmother evaluated for dementia, which sounds to me like it's rearing its ugly head.

Meanwhile, social services has authorized payment for the granddaughter so if there are funds available for raven to pay her daughter, it seems VERY reasonable and warranted that she do so.

Pay her if you want or not. Either way, take advantage of the time she gives you that allows you to have a break from caregiving. Our two adult children take turns coming over on Sunday so that I can get out to take a horseback riding lesson - the one special pleasure in my life that I wouldn't want to give up. I certainly never pay our children to stay with their father, although I do sometimes treat them to a take out meal while they are they here. (We live in NYC where good food can be ordered and delivered pretty much around the clock.)

Absolutely, pay her. Wouldn't you pay a (say) 14 year old to look out for a younger sibling if you go out for the evening? I certainly would. I don't see this as any different.

hey raven i am in the exact position as you except i am the grantdaughter and iam 20 years old, i do get paid by the social servies because my nan needs food making for her and i go 5 days a week to take care of her because my mum is busy and my uncle is a selfish human being but is the blue eyed boy in my nans eyes who can do no wrong, it is hard work ofcourse but asking your daughter for a few hours of her time a week while your busy is something she should be happy to do without pay but ofcourse if she has to go for numerous amount of hours each day that would affect her working life like me then its differant, it is hard work as a granddaughter because my nan shouts at me alot because of my uncle, like today i was doing the gardening and my nan wanted me to wash and iron all my uncles clothing and i said well no nan im not only busy with the gardening that you wanted me to do but i am here to take care of you and not be my uncles scivvy who only turns up when he wants money and his clothing washing ofcourse i didnt say that part to her but she flipped out and said nasty things to me and told me she doesnt know why i bother coming, this broke my heart and i dont think its fare that as the granddaughter its my job to put up with this but i have to and i think it makes it harder becuase as a child i loved my nan like most grandchildren do so just try and watch out if you mother starts to turn on your daughter because thats when people start to get depressed like i have done and its a big struggle especially as my brother only vists her once a year and he lives less than 3 minuites away from her house yet he is also the blue eyes boy who does no wrong, im sorry for answering/venting at the same time its just very hard being a carer when you can never get anything right in your nans eyes.

Why would your daughter ask for money to watch her own grandmother? I mean, this is a family, isn't it?

I am my mothers POA as well. I have three sisters that have been coming once weekend a month for the last year. I have a caretaker during the day while I work and I also do my one weekend a month. Myself and my son share the week day afternoons and evenings until she goes to bed. Two of my sisters decided they couldn't do it anymore so that puts burden back onto me an my son. The one sister that will continue to come can only do one weekend a month, because of the driving distance. Since myself, my son and my sons girlfriend will have to continue the care during the week and pick up for the other two sisters on weekends we will be paid first out of whatever is left over from my moms estate once she passes. One of the reasons I have decided to pay my self, my son and his girlfriend for their time is because there are two other sisters and eight other grandchildren that don't even come visit let alone help with her care. To be fair I will not pay myself for the one weekend a month I would normally do.

I pay my daughter-in-law to watch my husband every Monday for 5 hours. He has LBD. She needs the money and I would rather pay her than a stranger whom my husband would not like. Of course she would do it for free if I asked her but with the way the economy is now - I am happy to help her as she helps me.

Ferris1 -- Why do you assume her daughter would want to care for her elderly grandmother with dementia without being paid? Should she be forced to do it? You know nothing about their relationship, or about how much care is involved. It is not a grandchild's obligation to care for an aging, sick grandparent. If they choose to do it that's one thing, but it is not her obligation.

YOU ARE RIGHT NOT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR DAUGHTER ! ! I would think if you were running down to the local drugstore for 15 minutes to pick up a prescription or something of that nature, and your daughter was home, it would be reasonable for her to watch her grandmother. But if you're talking about planning a more extended amount of time away from home, doing some YOU things and asking your daughter for a committed amount of time to actually "take care" of her grandma, then payment is in order. even though its not legally necessary, I suggest you look elsewhere on this site for a sample of a Personal Service Agreement that has been recommended as a legitimate payment for even Medicaid patients. It specifies the scope of service and the agreed upon payment and makes it a legal expense even as far as Medicaid is concern. If you have the forethought to do this, set up formally so to speak, your sisters would look pretty silly objecting. And I agree with the other posters, YOU are not being paid for FULL TIME CARE (although YOU could be compensated at some level with your own personal service agreement), but your sisters need not be compensated for small amounts of time companion sitting their own mother.

Can't your daughter watch her grandmother without being paid? Honestly, what is this world coming to when a family member has to be paid for helping another in the family!

Wow, cleogin... not everyone considers it a privilege to look after elderly people with dementia. I'm so glad for you that it's something you enjoy but I, for one, absolutely do not. And I certainly would have enjoyed it even less at age 21. You know basically nothing about this family... Grandma might be the sweetest old lady with dementia that anyone ever met, or she might be a gigantic pain in the a**. You don't know. The point is everyone's situation is different and you should not judge, especially given so few facts. Raven1, I don't know the legalities... perhaps your POA document specifies something about this(?) I know mine has some wording about being allowed to pay for reasonable care expenses and even gifts to family members given certain circumstances. As for your siblings expecting payment for helping I would just tell them that you provide care for your mother most of the time without payment and you expect her other children to also continue providing care without pay on the rare occasions when they do. *Your* child is a different story, IMO - I think you're absolutely right - it is not fair to ask a 21 yr-old student to give up her free time to care for an elderly relative with dementia. If she should choose to do so then good for her, but I certainly wouldn't have chosen that at that age - people can judge me if they want to. I don't even want to do it now at more than twice that age. I do it, but at least they are my own parents, and it is totally out of a sense of obligation - they never really took the best care of me. I have offered to pay other members of my family to help with my parents and they won't even do it for money. Anyway, that's off point . Also, as far as your siblings go, unless you are required to give them a periodic accounting of your mother's expenses then what they don't know won't hurt them. I'm not suggesting you do anything with your mother's money that would be grossly unfair, but some reasonable and fair payment to your daughter when you need a break would not be out of line, in my humble opinion, providing it is in line with the POA document, of course.

Yes, you should pay her. Caring for an elderly person is a great responsibility. Does she want to do it? You would have to pay anyone else. Why not her?

First of all Raven, I don't feel that your daughter is giving up her life and time, to help care for her grandmother. Your only asking for help, when you need to go some where. Pay her, seriously? She should want to do this out of the goodness of her heart. I helped with my grandparents, when I was a teenager, and I learned compassion, responsibility and a lot more, AND I would have NEVER, thought about getting paid! Your daughter is still living under your roof, and I'm sure not paying rent or contributing financially, so she should surely help as needed, without pay. You have enough on your plate and she should surely, want to help you. Just my opinion.....and good luck.