Will Father ever realize that my Mom is fading fast?

Dreyfuss: God be with you!

Thank you for your responses. Several hospice nurses have been by. Taking her to dialysis at this stage would be nothing short of selfish and cruel. Mom is not returning for dialysis. She is dying. Hospice will keep her comfortable at home for the next week or two. My Father is no longer fighting it. The fight is over. She lived 90 years and had a good life. Thank God for Hospice. My Mom is suffering and receiving Haldol and Morphine. I am taking some Klonopin and trying to cope.

I know exactly what you mean, I remember that "Come to Jesus moment" I had when the doctor told us it was only a matter of time and my father would not be getting well. I had seen these scenes depicted on TV but now I was sitting in the middle of the scene. Nothing really seems real and everything is swirling around in your head.

Do you know if your mother had a DNR order ever written up? That is that they do not wish to be kept alive by artificial means. If your parents have a Trust there is one inside it. Do you have siblings you can call because your Dad may need to sit down with all of you and your Mom's doctor and let him just kindly lay it on the line, that you Mom will not be able to recuperate and she most likely would go into hospice care. Your father loves your mother deeply, she has been his sole mate for many years most likely and he cannot envision life without her. He is being asked to give up on your Mom and let her go and he cannot stand the thought and may feel great guilt in being put in this position.

My father had a DNR but the doctors either were not giving us information or at times I felt they were lying to us. My father went back into the hospital with pneumonia he had caught in the hospital a week earlier only he was spitting up blood. One doctor said there was no hope and another wanted to put a tube in his throat and he told my sister and I if we did not do it, he would "DIE A HORRIBLE AND PAINFUL DEATH!" How is that for laying a guilt trip on you! We did not do this but we went against my Dad's wishes and let them put in a feeding tube and put on a C PAP machine to force air into his lungs. I WILL NEVER DO THIS AGAIN, NEVER! He was kept alive for about 1 1/2 weeks and when the doctor removed the machine to see how he was, he died within 5 minutes! He probably would have died within just a few days had all this stuff not been placed on him. I am ashamed of myself and my family for letting these doctors lie to us and guilt us into doing these things rather than just let my father pass away in peace!

If you have family, a minister, or friends perhaps they could help by speaking with your father and letting him know that they understand what he is going through and they are there for him.

Don't get mad at your Dad, but understand that the love of his life is leaving him and he just doesn't know how he can continue living without her.....he loves her!

God Bless All of You!
My Prayers are With You!

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. Do you think your father accepts that she is dying, just not that she is dying now? Does he accept that she is suffering? Does your family have a religion? Does your father have any close friends?

Please take care of yourself. Your mother will die, whether or not he agrees to stop dialysis. Don't make it your job to try to change his mind. Leave that to the doctors, hospice people, clergymen, friends. You should begin to mourn the mother you had and the mother you wish you had. She will soon be at peace.

ive read that sometimes docs will, off the record, withold antibiotics and other life prolonging treatments based on their own judgement and the best interests of the patient despite ill informed and unreasonable demands of family members. the business of hospice is largely about comforting both patients and their families so maybe they can help your dad thru this inevitable process of letting go.
i just read today that if a patients showing signs of decline monthly they probably have months left. if the decline is seen weekly then they have weeks to go on. if decline is noticed daily their end of life is within days. thats common sensical enough to be concievable. good luck to you all at any rate. this is a time of emotional turmoil for all involved.

May God cover you in His powerful grace. Saying goodbye to our loved ones is important for the one dying and those still living. I pray you and you family have peace and receive comfort during this time...