Mother disregards my son (her grandson). Any advice?

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playagrandma Asked July 2013

Mother disregards my son (her grandson). Any advice?

I really don't know how to handle this situation anymore. My 83 mother for many years has not cared one bit about my 41 year old son. Its been this way since the day he was born. I do believe the reason is -my baby brother-her golden child was only nine at the time. Our daughter is older and never got this treatment. She also has 7 other grandchildren-three that happen to be grandsons. through the years she basically always remembered him at Christmas and his birthday. As he got older, she got more irritated cause he didn't call her and thank her. My son is rather independent and hasn't had much involvement with any family members. Doesn't mean he doesn't love them-he just always felt like an out case in part because of his grandma. She never got by with this treatment when my dad was alive but since he passed away she has decided no more remembering him at Christmas. Oh maybe she has a good reason -the problem I have is that I think its her excuse. She don't have much communication with any of her grandkids unless at a family gathering. But my biggest complaint is that its very obvious she could care less about him. My son just don't care anymore. But I do-she don't even ask about him the few times I talk to her. I am at a point in my life that this is really bugging me but not sure I should even go there with her. What does everyone think-should I confront her or let it go. There is going to be wedding in the family next July and I would really like to settle this in my mind once and for all. Thanks a bunch for any advice you can give me

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score 0 · Answer 1

Good to know...and quite sad as her legacy. I've found that some folks, be it man ir woman, have a certain crankiness about their behavior because they're not getting their way. They are thinking regally, like monarch, king or queen. They are wanting to assert themselves as the patriarch or matriarch of the family. Just by virtue of their age and position, they expect respect. Nobody taught them that position as the honorary head of the family cannot be taken or expected, it must be GIVEN. The person who wants it but it isn't given it can be very frustrated.

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score 1 · Answer 2

thanks for your replies. Well first off-no dementia-just an evil person. I can now say I am dealing with her when it comes to me. And what I mean by that is that I have very little to do with her. My son-I really don't think he gives a rats ass about her anymore but probably would be really upset if he knew how torn I am. As for the wedding, he will be polite to her but I would stress to him not to linger too long cause she probably will say something hurtful to him and then who knows what my son would say to her. Although she is 83, she is in good health and will probably live to be a 100. And I will comment on standing up to her over the years regarding my son-I have done that and my father did that. But she just continues-it got to a point where I just threw my hands up. My son knows her all to well as all her grandkids do-she is not respected at all.

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score 1 · Answer 3

She won't change, but at 83 she won't be around much longer anyway. Some people are just toxic like that and the only safe thing to do is avoid them. Your role is to be there for your son, support him through whatever he may be feeling (which might truly be that he's over it and it doesn't want to talk about it). Seeing as she ignores him, I assume it's OK for him to ignore her too? Even at this wedding? It should be, otherwise it's a double standard.

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score 0 · Answer 4

corrections ...

...being as HOW (not being as HELL)

... too late, BUT you want to make sure (not WHAT you want)

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score 0 · Answer 5

Eek! This is certainly a case of what is called "family dynamics". Being as hell this is been going on for decades, and nobody but your dad apparently put their foot down to this lady, she continues with behavior that she gets by with. There's probably a part of your son that doesn't appreciate not being stood up for all those many years ago, though he may have internalized it to the point where he doesn't even realize it. It's sometimes easier just to pretend that you don't care, so the consequence of that is he disconnected himself from the whole family.

And now it's really bothering you and I'm betting somewhere deep inside it's bothering him too. But at 83, is your mom and the verge of dementia? If so, it won't do much good to confront her. If not, a stern talk MAY help but what is your leverage if she doesn't care. Are you prepared to turn your back and walk away, something you were never prepared to do earlier? It's a pitiful situation and I don't envy you your dilemma.

Maybe some soul searching on your part followed by a heartfelt conversation with your son, explaining how maybe you now see things you should have done differently but its too late, what you want to make sure that this doesn't carry true to the next generation, and the one after that.

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Mother disregards my son (her grandson). Any advice?

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