Arthur63 Asked July 2013

I feel I have some moral responsibility to care for my parents but to what point?

I really need help on my situation. I am a 63 year male re-married 3 years ago, no children and both my parents are in their early 90's. I have a brother who is 67 living with his wife and 2 teens ( he also re-married 15 years ago. I was living with my wife up until 8 months ago in New York ( explain later) and my brother rents a house 2 blocks away from my parents in Montreal Canada. My parents own their home and is fully paid ( 500K+ value). My parents receive a total of $3500 monthly in combined pensions and actually do save well over half of it. They do not need financial support BUT insist that I PERMANENTLY live and care for them 24/7 at the same refusing me to go back to my wife as they believe I have an obligation to PERMANENTLY stay with them till death. I am not allowed to have company over or friends around. BOTH my parents are delusional, argumentative, hate everybody, do not want company or visitors, always repeating what a big failure I was as well as my brother. My brother was living with my parents for well over the last 6 years, free rent, food, kind of leeching from them while his wife and my mother were always fighting to the point of dishes being thrown around. When my brother left them 8 months ago or should I say got kicked out, my father did not stop calling me every day to come and help him out and drive him and my mother to their constant hospital & doctor visits averaging at least twice a week. I had numerous arguments with my own wife about me leaving for a short temporary stay at my parents to figure out what I can do with them. Figuring I can convince them to go to some kind of home for the elderly. Not a chance in hell, they would not hear any of it. After 8 months of total commitment to them and a threat of divorce from my wife, I had enough. Between administering their meds, housework, cooking, driving them,cleaning arguing etc. I came to the decision of taking the next bus back to NY next week. The do not make any sense, have diabetic, alzheimer, dementia and all the stuff that comes with age.I had to give up my job and scrap my car as there was no place to keep it. I am not married to my parents as it is I who needs to get ahead in life and this situation is a huge problem. I am also getting some flak from my brother as he says I am irresponsible and that I am abandoning my parents. My parents absolutely do not want my wife around as they find faults in everyone. I do feel I have a moral responsibility but to what point ? I also think that my brother will attempt to stop me returning to NY and my wife just so I can be a slave here. Who do I call for legal advice on this matter ? Can my parents be forced to live elsewhere because of their mental condition ? I like to help but I have a life to live.

Family Caregiver

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Your parents are being very unreasonable, even abusive. Your moral responsibility ends where the abuse begins. I say: go home to your wife, call your parents weekly, visit quarterly, but otherwise let the chips fall where they may.

Helpful Answer (8)

You said it, now do it. Leave and go back to your wife. Your parents are beyond reasonable. Eventually your parents will be forced into doing things due to their pending incompetency.

Helpful Answer (6)

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your advice and it just confirms what I should have done a long time ago. If it wasn't for my wife, I would stay a little longer like a month to see where this will end up. I think that because of their mental state, they may be taken ( against their will ) to a home for the elderly which I would be happy about. I was talking today to a few people that had their parent(s) brought there without their consent as they were not reasoning properly. They underwent many days and weeks of evaluation by different doctors followed by a court ruling and the final outcome was justifiably the right thing to happen. One person was in a very similar situation as myself the difference was that he and his wife stayed 2 full years until they couldn't take it any more got legal council and left.
Also talked to my wife today, telling her I'll be on the bus back this Friday. It feels good just thinking about getting back to normal even though I have to find a job and a car.

Helpful Answer (6)

I'd say simply get out of dodge quick and don't look back!

Helpful Answer (5)

As I see it, here are two options:
1) Sell your parent's home and place them into an ALF near you
2) Find around the clock caregivers

I am not familiar with services in Canada for the elderly, but you can research what is available in your area.

You are not morally responsible to care for your parents - especially at the terrific expense of your own marriage, health and livelihood. You need to be frank, determined, calm and diplomatic with your parents and brother. Have a sit down with all and come up with a plan. State your boundaries and concerns and provide options.

This is a lesson in boundary drawing for you. Be strong. Be alert. Be sober. Be unshackled from other people's expectations and demands when they are imposed upon you. Your marriage needs your attention.

Helpful Answer (4)

Margaret has it nailed!

So short of handcuffing you to them, just how can your brother force you to stay? Your statement...."I also think that my brother will attempt to stop me returning to NY and my wife just so I can be a slave here" makes no sense, really what are you....8 years old? OK, I know this sounds harsh and it is, but grow a pair and make a decision and then do it. BTW I am totally in your wife's corner on this, you made a choice to marry her and have your life in the US and now it seems you have left her for your parents. Realize that if your bride is at all super mad about all this, that she can basically divorce you and clean your clock financially. Decide what you want your future to be and then do it. Your parents sound like they totally have the resources to pay for their care, contact whatever is Canadian APS and your state's Department of Aging & Elderly and tell them the situation and then leave. And take your wife something nice. Good luck.

Helpful Answer (4)

Your parents think it is OK to break up your marriage so they can have you all to themselves to care for them? NO! It is NOT OK. There is both a Commandment to honor your father and mother, and an exhortation that one leaves one's parents and cleaves to their spouse...it follows then, that it does not "honor" your parents to let their desires and requests destroy your marriage and family because they have lost any sense of what is rational and reasonable. No one should be permitted to "eat their young" so to speak.

To be perfectly honest, while trying to be a little gentler about it than "grow a pair" (hey, sometimes women, even strong ones, find thensleves torn between two apparent obligations like this too) you abandoned your wife and destroyed your own life, trying to please your brother and your parents who are totally off base in what they are asking of you. She is right to insist this comes to an end, and I hope will forgive the 8 months it took you to realize that what you have done makes no sense and was a huge mistake. You can possibly hold off or soften the "I told you so" you are facing by admitting this up front, as you have pretty much admittied it to us and to yourself already.

Helpful Answer (4)

As harsh as it is, you have been there 7 months and 2 weeks too long. No one should be expected to live like this. Honoring parents and seeing that they are cared for and safe does not include giving up your life, marriage and health.

Hope you are packing and on the way out the door! Best wishes!

Helpful Answer (4)

How your brother and his family and your parents react has nothing to do with your response to this situation. You can choose to be calm and diplomatic no matter how they treat you. It is a choice.

Now, with that added info, all the more reason for you to state your case/needs and move along. You can show respect to your parents - but on your terms and not those foisted upon you.

May God bless you with courage, wisdom, and strength. This process is not easy.

Helpful Answer (3)

Gracie49, if she has not been totally this way lifelong, she may be lashing out from depression and it might be treatable. Sometimes setting limits and not accepting the abuse, removing attention from all criticism or complaints or making it clear that placement elsewhere is an option if she continues to complain and be unhappy with the way things are at your place will make a difference. It is probably easier for husband to keep sunny side up because its not HIS mom and she does not push all his buttons the way she pushes yours. It IS a very hard place to be, and a steady stream of criticism and negativity really is toxic...Why some of our moms feel they need to keep being harsh and negative is one of the greater mysteries of life here on AgingCare especially! Maybe they just think they are supposed to keep trying to perfect us instead of having any acceptance of who we are and what we really can do for them...maybe they realize we love them and we seem like the safest place to dump all the negative emotions they are going through, but typically that generation does not let themselves acknowlege negative emotions - so everything wrong must be some one else fault?? BLEAH!!

Helpful Answer (3)

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I feel I have some moral responsibility to care for my parents but to what point?

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