I've been helping my 97 year old mother-in-law for 14 years now. She lives across the street and things are rapidly deteriorating concerning her health, my health(Lupus attack, anxiety) and my marriage. Things started out ok but in the past few years rapidly deteriorating. We got a little outside help last fall, 4 hours a day, 3 days a week......that happened only after I left to help with my own Mom( Alzheimers) and dumped everything in my husband's lap concerning his Mom. With my mother-in-laws failing health the agency is asking me to step up more........they know my husband isn't( I think or does everyone think it is a women's responsibility).......we are trying to get help up to 5 days a week...4 hours a day.......the agency just told me they found a second person...thank-God. Our 2 daughters both adults with busy lives are going to try to help out with calling Nana weekly....she is extremely lonely. Our son (local adult) over seeing things when we are gone for the occassional break... which he is doing and stopping in for weekly visit as well. Our biggest problem is my MIL and my husband have always had a very disfunctional relationship, and my kids are reminding me to try to be more understanding because of that. She has turned on me now too, so unfortunately neither of us what to be around her, she is also more short with her Grandkids too. Her Aide is very nice but doesn't see the entire picture. I go over at times when the aide is with her(to exchange info on how MIL is doing...my husband has only talked I believe once when I was out of town) and my MIL will be sweet as can be to me... but by myself...can be brutal. My husband avoids her because of her nasyiness to him. My girls were calling more but cut back to once or twice a month because angry and short with them too and not real happy with her Grandson now either. The only person that seems to make her happy is her aide. She has gotten nasty with neighbors too. My MIL is very angry with us and her life(feels we can do more and she would be happy)....she feels it is our responsibility to take care of her. Some of my concerns with my MIL are: not bathing(does a sponge bath), dirty hair, staying in her PJs day after day, eatting poorly, can't reason with her(my son and son-in-laws wanted to bring a bed downstairs this weekend so she would be near the only bathroom in her house....she refused saying I don't want anything in my house moved), she is now sleeping on a loveseat.....her bedroom is upstairs(she still goes up at times), she has short term memory loss, messing up medications, unsteady gait...I could go on and on. She is an accident waiting to happen. She does not want to go to Assisted Living where I think she could still qualify...my kids think that's where she needs to be my husband wants her to stay in her home...I think another avoidance of confrontation with his Mom. On top of all this I've been dealing with my Mom(Alzheimers, way worse just had to leave Assisted Living and is now in NH) I'm losing my Mom and want.... need to be with her more(siblings helping out there). The last time(about 5 weeks ago while in seeing my Mom)...as my husband said all hell broke out here(I was gone and unknowing to us the aide needed to take a week off and my mother-in-law would take no other help)....this all developed after I had left. My husband had to take his Mom to the ER( a full day of work he missed..luckily our son works with him and did the work of both)...she thought she was dying....constipation was the diagnosis......and she has been overdosing on stool softeners ever since. Basically I feel like I'm losing my sanity, health and marriage. I still love my husband and things are ok with us as long as his mother(the Elephant in the closet as our kids say) isn't bought up to him. She wants to stay in her home until she dies...she is in generally good health(her organs..heart,etc holding up well...mind definitely starting to go and her MD sees her as living to 100 as a good possibility.....he has told me just to hang in there......my husband and him are friends and not sure my husband is honest with what is happening.......my kids this weekend told their Dad he needs to tell the MD what is going on. What should I (we)do? I'm afraid and feel guilty something horrible will happen and can we be found negligent? Money is not a problem......she could be in the best Assisted Living or Nursing Home? She does not want to spend her money...I have cleaning help lined up...won't take it but complains how her back hurts from trying to clean and complains she can't stand how dirty her house is...I won't clean it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm trying to help with meals, do the MD appointments and emergencies and sociallize with her as tolerated. I'm 61 and my husband is 64......our friends and our kids think he just keeps himself as busy as he can so he doesn't have to deal with his Mom. His Dad(deceased) was the buffer for him.
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Someday all this will be past...being able to remember that you tried to support each other though it was hard will be a help to you both...you HAD to back off but had already done more and put up with more than anyone should have expected...hubby needs to know it will feel better if he at least tries to do what is right by his own mom, and he kind of knows what that is, it just very very hard to go through with it when it is your own parent...but you still have to go through with it. I will be praying for you that your last days with your mom are more peaceful, and that hubby will find the courage and care inside himself to do whatever really needs done.
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However, your MIL is not where the problem begins and ends. Your husband needs to see what she has done to him. He is not being fair to you. You need to take care of your own mother and your health. BTW, my grandmother had Lupus so I am familiar with this as well.
You are being pushed and manipulated by a narcissistic old woman who more than likely damaged her only child. You are their scapegoat. Please get out of this before it kills you. Your husband and his mother are being very selfish.
Sorry, I wish you well but you can't change or help these people. Just stand your ground. You have enough to deal with.
Don't let him do this to you. My husband is very passive aggressive just like your husband. It took me 30 years to learn what I would take and what I would not take. Like you, I have a well educated husband from a fairly affluent family. I came from the South, uneducated and I have always been low man on the totem pole, as they say. But at 61, I am kicking ass and taking names.
I too have Ivy Leaguers in the family. We know how smart they are and how hard it is to get into this small circle. However, they are humans who will use and abuse if it suites them. Don't let it suit them.
I am assuming you are educated as are your siblings. Find your life. Love and help your husband but don't let him hide behind your skirts. Set boundaries. You will be angry for the rest of your life if you let this go on. Take care.
If your MIL seems she is likely to keep living awhile longer (my father at 93 has cousins over 108) for the sake of the stability of the rest of your immediate family (you, hubby, and adult / younger kids) I support the comments I read that say she needs to go to a NICE assisted living place. Some are "bone yards" as my elderly father has seen recently.
IMPORTANT STEPS:
1. Asset Protection: If you haven't set up a "special needs Trust" - look into doing so. It may protect her assets. Medicare does a 5-year look back and assisted living place will likely also try to seize her assets as well.
2. Check References: If you have a place you want to consider, check references (!!!) with other families who monitor the place closely.
3. Visits and Adult Day Care First: Ease your MIL into day activities so she makes "friends" at the place - first. Familiar environments are easier to transfer someone to than entering into a cold CHANGE.
4. Contract - Get it reviewed by a lawyer!: Several years ago, a rehab facility on page 21 of their some 30 page small print contract, hid a clause saying they would put a lien on any real property my father had once the contract was signed. He was to be there three weeks only! I refused to sign - even though the Administrator repeatedly picked up the pen and "literally put it in my hands" (!) telling me "no one reads these things - they just sign." I told my father not to sign it either. They tried to get a signature once when he was high on meds and I walked in.
I just went through a similar experience with him on a reverse mortgage where the Notary forced signatures without his reading - or my reading documents. It worked out as we cancelled the Contract during the next 30 hours during the "cooling off" period.
Be very careful what you sign for --- that legal jargon -- you could be giving the place the right to put a lien on your assets as well.
5. Note on POA - - POAs can't open bank accounts. Found that out this week. You need a clause in the TRUST DOC that also says that the POA has the right to open a Trust Account, or convert an existing bank account to a Trust Account.
Check with your bank and lawyer on this - but that's how it is in California.
If you don't have this, and your MIL is of sound mind and can still sign for herself, our bank in common Branch Mgr looked into it with their legal dept and says the person in question can sign a letter and have it notarized giving the right to the POA to open an account if they are incapacitated.
I am all for people with and without disabilities being comforted by routine,
but people who are not exactly their former selfs ....well lets put it the way I want to
Politically Correct, I believe in some dysfunctional families the elephant in the room is undiagnosed high functioning autism for which the parent developed patterns of behavior that comforted them. As long as they were ritualistically performed everything is cool, but when the brain begins to unravel even these ritualistic comforting actions become very unsettling because they do not even know why they do them....after watching my 86 year old for the past 7 years closely as I was home, she is not my MIL I have begun thinking that in her generation they did not go around diagnosing people with autism, I would think if it was manageable.
To me there seems to be some sort of correlation between people with Alzheimers and undiagnosed, but high functioning autism.
When the the two combine for a one two punch, they can be overwhelming.
In answer to the question of the sexes, women were seen as inside the home and men the outside, I do not harbor this believe system but men do, they run...
Sounds like you're starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel, between getting more help for you MIL, your kids helping more, and your husband starting to see what's really happening with his mom. Hang in there and take good care of yourself. You've got lots of help now, so you can relax a bit and let others take over some of the burden..
Is she able to get herself cleaned up and nicely dressed for her Dr appointments which she seems to enjoy. You certainly have my sympathy so take care and write if it helps you to unload that is what everyone is here for.
I know it stings when a person you care about says unfair things like that, it would still get to me when my mom who couldn't actually see much at all told me I looked tired. She is saying that because she 1. does not appreciate you/takes you for granted, 2. can't get you to make her completely happy by doing everything for her all the time exactly the way she wants it done, and 3. has to blame someone besides herself for her problems and unmet needs.
You are more than entitled to a couple of good crying spells over this load of horse manure, but don't take it to heart! (BTW, you picked a good person to cry to!)She has no business making you feel bad and then complaining that she does not have even more opportunity to make you feel worse. You are taking on too much guilt - it is your vulnerability that you feel somehow you really SHOULD be doing more, but it is false guilt, believe me and believe your more rational mind on this one - and she is pushing that guilt button and pushing it hard. So, defend yourself simply and factually and you may even find that you are entirely right to defend yourself and you actually ARE doing more than should reasonably be expected. MIL is just not ever going to be reasonable in her expectations- she may not have been even before she became more cogntively impaired, and she's sure not going to get any more reasonable now.
Is hubby "there for you," reasonably supportive when it comes to your mom, even though he does not have the kind of relationship that you did?
MaryJr, I face similar circumstances with an elder who wants to be in control at all costs and a family history of dysfunction, it is a toxic brew. Good luck to you.