I do hope and pray all these bits of advice that are telling you NOT to let them move in and take over your life (which they will SURELY do if you allow one foot in) will be enough to strengthen your resolve so they don't ruin your life -- AND YOUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE!!!!!!
You don't OWE your mother or brother anything. The way I see it, your family feels entitled (it sounds like it with your mother's ungrateful attitude) and will probably outlive you should you allow them and their pets to move in with you. You cannot save the world, nor can you save people who were not responsible with their life who expect YOU to pick of the pieces of the mess they've made. Your family needs to find alternate living arrangements. Why is it always the responsible ones who have to lose out in the end for the irresponsible behavior of those around them. DON'T DO IT!!!
Tell Mom sorry, you can come but not the brother. Keep the pets with brother. You need to develop a backbone fast. Your brother and his kids will do to you what they did to your mother, bleed you dry. Your responsibility is to your mother only. If she doesn't like it, tough. your house your rules, I'm sure she taught you that.
Do not let your mom guilt you into this situation. Let her know she is welcome and she has to make a choice for only one of her pets. Tell her that your brother has to stand on his own. It sounds like your mom has been the enabler for your brother or your brother has taken advantage of her. Let your mom make this choice or let her know she needs to seek other arrangements for her and your brother.
Coco: You need to get on the phone and tell them emphatically "NO, you are not coming to my house!" I had a lot more that I wanted to add to that, but I was afraid my post would be removed from the site!!!!!
Coco, your family sounds like nothing but freeloaders. They have successfully bankrupted Mom and themselves so they are like termites moving on to the next meal to devour and destroy! God as my witness Coco I would get on that phone and get Mom on it an tell her that if they show up at your house, you will have Sheriff's standing by to have them removed! I would not give a ____ what Mom has to say about bringing in your 59 year old brother and his brood, IT WOULD BE LOUD AND CLEAR THAT THEY ARE NOT WELCOME!
I have seen and heard about this far too many times in past years and this is where I would DRAW THE LINE! You already work you rear off every single day just to live, do you really want them to move in and eat your food, run up bills and wind up costing you your home, and your sanity?
If your Mom and bother are so poor then they can apply for and obtain welfare or some type of assistance right where they are since they already have residence there. If they come to your state then they probably cannot get anything for a period of time until they establish residency.
Stand your ground Coco and get rough if you have to and you are going to have to mean it. Call the Sheriff or police and ask what can be done to get them out if they pile in, but honestly I would not let it get that far, I WOULD MAKE IT LOUD AND CLEAR THAT BROKE MAMA AND BROTHER CAN SEEK ANOTHER PLACE BECAUSE YOUR HOME IS NOT THEIR WELFARE STATE!
I apologize if my bluntness on this matter is hurtful to you but I do not want to see this happen to you! It just kills me how some people feel that you just have to open your home to everyone so they can basically pull you down to their level. DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT!
If you agree to this, you may well be signing your own death warrant. You will definitely be signing over every cent you have ever had. You don't have to move. JUST SAY NO! Tell them you can't do it and stick to your guns. Tell them to look into social services that may be available, but do not, under any circumstances, take then in.
I think you need to cut off contact with these grifters. If you even have them over for dinner, or pay for one night at a motel and a ticket home or ANYTHING I think it will be a slippery slope that will quickly end up with you penniless and then dead. I think your safest bet is to get a restraining order if they come to your town. They sound like master manipulators that could trick a person easily if given a chance. Love and healing and strength and luck to you dear Coco, you are wonderful and deserve only good things in your life.
Just say NO. Say it again NO and if they barge through the door, have the sheriff remove an "unwelcome guest". You have done your part, enough is enough.
Everything I would have said has already been said. Do not encourage them to even come to your State. and get that restraining order if necessary. If they show up on the doorstep pay for a motel for the night and buy them tickets to get back from whence they came. Do not let them get so much as a paw over your door step. I heard all the guilt stuff as a kid "You"ll be sorry when I'm dead" Well I was not, just very thankful I did not become responsible for Mum's care. As suggested above Cocco can you get away for a while? you said you worked from home could you do that from another location? Maybe a friends house or even a motel for a few weeks. Tell Mom you are going but not where and that you will not be communicating. Take all the precautions with police etc. Your mother and brother are very sick. Turn off your phone erase their emails without reading them. Call or email them as you leave the house that you will be away for a while and just leave. Think of it this way. they would find a way to cope if you were in the hospital after a serious accident and could not communicate. It's going to be hard but you have coped with difficult situations in the past. You owe them nothing. make a list of all the things you are not going to allow them to do and keep reading it. If a truly desperate need arises you can help them find help but you are not going to give that help. The whole family is a bunch of leaches.
Although I can see how you will feel the obligation to help your mother, your brother, pets, etc., are NOT your responsibility. If they are coming to live with you, YOU are the one who needs to set the rules. It's YOUR house, YOUR money, etc. if they don't like it, tell them to go somewhere else! Your other choice is to find you mother help through your local department of elderly affairs. Your brother needs to get a life!
You cannot change another person. You can only change yourself. You can completely opt out of the dysfunctional family and take care of yourself and your daughter. This will most definitely be the BEST for you and could even be the best for them!
coco - you are 100% right - they will not change no matter what you do or where they are. How you mother and brother manage their lives is not your problem. Let them figure it out without your help then. Don't worry about them. They will manage somehow. I know with my mother, she asks for help, and I can research things and offer help and she will go off and do what she wants anyway, and get mad because I am "interfering" in her life by suggesting anything. So now I do very little. I have tried it often enough my conscience is clear. Your bro can't afford to live but he has 4 pets???? It costs to feed and care for pets. His problem, not yours. Yes, they want you to provide everything - not your job, not your responsibility.
I am glad you realise you will never have that loving relationship with your mother. It is better to accept the reality, and, as you are doing, cherish the loving memories you have of your father. I am in the same boat.
My mother just told me she was filing chapter in bankruptcy for all the debt she has taken on. So how will I expect them to move some place without any credit? OMG she will be able to keep her house and small mortgage thanks to my brother who will take up one-half of her ss check. Maybe they should just stay there, and she can live without my brother and deal with the issues, but the thing is she doesn't want him there with all the pets. However, at least she would do better with the bankruptcy of having more money. Don't know if it were enough for her to live on he could help her with expenses with his pt job. Right I feel they want to come to be closer to his kids and want me to provide everything. My brother wants his own place he says, but he won't be able to afford anything on 400 a week. The security deposit dog deposits will be off the charts. They are not even thinking, or rather they don't care... So if my mom does passes she already told me anything she had left she was giving to my poor brother cause, he is the one that helps here and her granddaughter his daughter. So why am I even in this game. My inherence with her I always knew would be nothing anything of my fathers I want she always says your brother or niece wants that so I will just keep the pictures I have and continue to place fresh flowers once a month and keep the plants at his grave stone. As I do now. I will continue to honor my wonderful memory of my father and all the time we spent. I miss him but will never have that loving relationship with my mother. She has always wiped my brother's backside to even today. Your right I am sick of it and there is no rhyme or reason it is just how she is and sure as heck won't change even if she is here with me.
NO. You do NOT need to help another adult live beyond their means. You will not be helping him and you could be destroying yoruself. Make 100% sure your good name does not end up connected to ANY of their debt. Mom could not say NO to your brother when NO needed to be said. They need to strongly consider a personal bankruptcy. Refer them to credit counseling agencies and appropriate legal aid (reputable ones, not the fly-by-night "credit repair" places..be careful, one of the ones that used to be good got taken over by a for-profit company.)
Would you bring rattlesnakes, black widow spiders, and other poisonous animals into your home and turn them loose and even feed them? Then be surprised when they bit you and killed you? That is EXACTLY what you would be doing if you allowed your mother and brother into your home!!!!! I know it's easier said than done -- but muster all that bravery and good sense that got you out of that quagmire at first and DO NOT let them in!!!!!! If it's too hard hearing from your mom, then do NOT answer the phone. If necessary, get a restraining order on all of them. It that doesn't work -- then LEAVE, go away for a little while -- let law know that NO ONE is to be in your house while you are gone -- hire a private security firm to look out for your house while you are gone. Get away and don't let your mom or brother know WHERE you are or any way to reach you. Tell your daughter you are going, but do not give her any way to reach you either {or only through law} so she can't be leaned on by your mom, etc. After a while away -- esp. if in therapy while you are away and also see a lawyer to protect your rights in all of this -- you should be strong enough to withstand all their guilt attempts on your life. You must protect your self and your daughter from those who would steal your life and your home!!!!! And make no mistake -- your mother would KILL you to feed her son and feel perfectly justified in doing so!!!!! DO NOT let her!!!!!!! If you don't let her in it will be much easier to keep your brother out! This is a matter of life and death!!!!!
Why are you allowing yourself to be in contact with these people? Do you not realize they are seeing you as their personal doormat to their future lifestyle? Me, I would completely cut myself off from them until I know they will not consider me as something to use. Respect yourself and keep these freeloaders away from destroying you!
Just read your latest post. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Your mum is trying to "guilt" you into doing what she wants. It is her game. Just don't play into it. My mum comes out with that stuff. If it gets too bad I have told her I am cutting contact. Here is the info on detaching.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Detaching Accept that they are responsible for their own choices Anger –deal with it in a healthy way Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame Consequences – face them and see that others experience them Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion, Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable Focus on yourself Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received, Refuse to be manipulated e.g. emotional blackmail, guilt, shame Respond, don’t react Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings Set boundaries Say “No” Space –create it between you and them Try not to take the behaviours personally Treat others and yourself with love and dignity You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
Setting boundaries means pointing out an unacceptable behaviour, and stating the consequences of continuing that behaviour, then following through with the consequences.
Don't be afraid of your mum's anger or disapproval. You are a fine person who has done very well for herself. She should be proud of you. I am. You have helped a lot and gotten kicked in the teeth for it. Time to put you first.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))) You are doing well! Stay firm and keep it up.
coco - Your dad was right. Using and abusing seems to be the pattern in your family. Please do NOT feel selfish. You are not being selfish, but you are caring for yourself. There is a world of difference. I understand about upkeep. I worked well past retirement age to be able to afford to renovate my house which is over 30 yrs old, and it is expensive. You did have a bad experience with your niece. Don't repeat it.
I am so sorry about the cancer. You must look after yourself. Your mother's response to your second bout of radiation is s heartless and callous. There is a book called "When the Body says No" by Gabor Mate, which talks about cancer and family relationships amongst other things, basically if you do not say "No" to dysfunctional interactions, your body will. Your life may depend on the choices you make now.
I understand the feelings when a sib is given noticeably more than you are. I have come to accept that is the way it is, and it is dysfunctional - unhealthy, but I do not have to get sucked into it. My sis was given more and then she started expecting me to do things for her. I stopped that in its tracks - no way! Yes, they will play the guilt trips etc., but recognise them for what they are and let them go. Learn to say "No". You don't have to explain or justify yourself. decide what is good for you. You owe your mother no dollars!
Do not convert your bedroom or any other room, You cannot afford the stress of having your mother with you, never mind your bro and clan. Truly, coco, I don't think there is a "nice" way of telling her, if you mean a way to tell her when she will not get angry or pout or whatever. Anger is an other tool manipulators use. Recognise it as such. So she gets angry or upset. Let it roll off your back. We are so trained to swallow garbage from our dysfunctional families, but never to speak up. Well, it is time to speak up. I don't mean be rude, but be assertive. Simply tell her firmly that no one is moving into your house! I stress you do not have to explain or justify your decisions. If you like tell her it is too hard on your health - which is true. I would not rent a place or do anything for your bro. He has freeloaded too much anyway. As far as your mum is concerned, I would help her find a place that she can afford, e.g. subsidized seniors apartment, and I would not promise to have her in your house every day. It is not good for your. You are not responsible for her happiness. By all means, help her find a place that she can afford on her own. Help her find a seniors programs that can fill some of her time, and needs. Do not do it all yourself. She may not go along with this but you will know you have done what you can. If she chooses to not participate, it is not your fault or responsibility. I spent two weeks and over $2000 this summer trying to help my mum. I looked after all the things she was complaining about. guess what - she has another list of complaints and no thanks for what I did. She has been diagnosed with paranoia and given meds to help her. While she took them she was better, Now she has decided not to take them anymore and it getting agitated etc. again. Shortly I will be telling her that if she chooses to not take her meds, I choose to not go down to her city and help her. If you were run over by a bus tomorrow your mum and bro would cope somehow. Look after my own health needs and build for your future. You will not work forever.
Now let us know that you are telling your mum that she is not moving into your house, but you will help her find a nice place of her own. If she gets mad, hang up the phone, or junk the emails. Next post I am going to cope and paste info on detaching, which I have posted on this site before. It is what you need to do to cope with your family.
love, prayers and encouragement to you to do the right thing for you
Paolo Coehlo - "When you say 'Yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'No' to yourself."
coconeedshelp - I'm going to try to say this gently, but NO ONE can use you without YOUR permission. And they are definitely trying to use you. If I were you, I would "TELL" your mother how it's going to be - no if, ands or buts. It's your house, your money, your life - and no one - and I mean no one - including your mother - has the right to tell you how to live or what to do. That is YOUR choice and your choice only. So your brother has diabetes???? Whoopee doo! So does my husband, brother and mother-in-law. That doesn't make him an invalid! And they still work and function like everyone else. They just need medicine. And your mother had it made but blew it all away on your brother over the years. That's her problem. So I strongly advise you to find her a senior apartment and have her move there instead of with you. She is an enabler and will continue to hound you into helping her help your brother. Please don't fall for it. None of this is your fault!!!! You can still love your mother and brother without enabling them. They're ADULTS - not children - and should have grown up a long time ago. Please think this through as I honestly believe you will deeply regret it if you let your mom move in with you. Good luck!!
My brother has basically taken care of her, and I respect that but didn't find out until just a few months ago he was taking care of her and her money. When he doesn't get what he wants my mom calls me and tells me he treats her like crap, and I told her you didn't have to take that she said well your not here. What do I do? When I tell her one day this is what we will do, and you won't have to worry the next thing is about you have to take your brother don't be selfish he has helped me, I finally said he you to the point of being broke. Are you kidding mom and yesterday was the first time I told her, and it wasn't calm that I was doing it this way not her way, She said she stayed up all night thinking about my selfish ways and the way I talked with her. And that I was just like her son. I told her you won't listen, and I am the boss of my own domain NOT you or my brother. She then said I will just die, I wish I was dead you are just a horrible person and to think I raised you.
It is easy in theory -- just say no. You sound like you're being bullied. Even if your mother and brother were total angels, you have the right to say no. Your mother already sounds like she is taking over your house in her mind. It sounds almost like an invasion.
Good advise Joan, I told them I would find you a house to rent. My mom is alone most of the days anyway. I work from home and she could come over with me during the day. But my brother go to the vfw at night and karaoke too so my mom is alone all the time she use to do a lot of stuff but for the last two years just sits at home and doesn't move, God help me I know my dad is looking down and thinking Don't do it. You will be sorry.
Her house was paid off. My father passed away a decade ago when he was sick it was fast Cancer. I wanted to move back there to be with him, he told me to do not move back here you will never get out. I have always been the next in line to take care and make sure my family was ok; I am the baby into the family. My brother has a 30-year-old son, who has really never worked a day in his life. he bullies both my brother and mom when he lived in the same town. He moved away and still ask for money. My brother who only works part time sends him money when he can. We were not taking about 20 bucks he asks for 500 bucks at a time. I have always felt jealous of my mothers love to my brother, and my dad always made up for it with me; I would work my job, go to college when I was younger and help my dad out on the weekend growing up when I was about 25 I moved away. When my father passed my mom was set due to my father's business my mom made a lot of bad decisions with my brother and never included me by selling rental property and basically getting screwed on a deal that cost her 800K but now my mom is in debt because of my brother and his family always helping them buying all of them cars, taking car of maintenance, food medical whatever they needed. I wouldn't care at all about taking care of my mom, she made sure she bought the house down the street for my brother and when he loss his full-time job because of downsizing at the office, he was there over 30 years he chose to collect unemployment for two years, but my mom always helped them all. Now she cannot because her payments are higher than her SS. She was making payments on my brother's house electric medical and all. She just can't do it anymore. I feel selfish, but I am not going to be drained dry. Trust me, I struggled for a couple of years after my employer died, I was making a 150K a year, but now I'm at about 75K. Which took a couple of years to find the right job but found a job after that making about 40 because I was just always too old they thought when I went to an interview or the younger person at that company felt to threaten by me working there which one told me that straight up why would I hire you for this salary when the share holders would see they get more bang for their buck. I am thankful for my job, but I work like a dog to keep all of my bills in line, which is only my mortgage. Ya my house is over 25 years old, and I am doing upkeep on it. It's not cheap. I had my brother's daughter come live with me with her family of 5 for four months with three small toddlers, and my house was a total mess; I finally just got it back in order with broken items jamming the washer and dryer to the max and broken furniture, and she told me oh that was flimsee are you kidding me your kids pee on my carpet spill juice cups on floor and eat like there is no tomorrow. I've had cancer and serious health problems when I told my mom a few years back that I was going to have radiation again she said well don't look to me for any money get it from your boyfriend. I promised my dad that I would take care of my mom, and I have financially but finding out a few years back that she was just dishing out her bucks to my brother and I was giving her money to cover her losses has really stopped its not 1,000, its more like 100 to 300 dollars here now and there and helping out my brothers kids up here in my state with 200-500 dollars a month. His one kid isn't lazy just too many kids whom they cannot afford. Thanks for listening. However, my mom is trying to rule the house up here too, and I am not going to live with all the problems. I told my mom I would find a rental home for my brother to live in with his pets like I did for his daughter but she told me last night your not throwing your brother out he has diabetes and Im not having it. Do you understand!! I just told her look I am not having all of this in my house you are killing me and she told me I have always helped you too. Are you kidding me when I was divorced I had two jobs taking care of my home and my daughter and didn't get any child support. Mom you paid for my brothers kids daycare and took care of them always, I owe you NO dollars.. I took you and my brother and kids on vacation trips with me and paid for everything are you kidding mom. Well she remembers but tells me different. I really think since she is so worried about her own bill and selling her house she will break even which is really sad. I told her if my brother would of moved in to her three bedroom house two years ago you wouldn't have this problem but you didn't want his dogs but you want me to have this. No way... So how do I tell her nicely I am going to have to convert my dining room to be her bedroom since all my bedrooms are upstairs because she cant go up steps she has all of these conditions for me. Help
(((((((coco)))))) just because your mother says it is your turn, does not mean that it is. I agree with all that has been posted above, My mother, who has Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism has wanted me to move to live near her, so I can be "handy" to her i.e. give up my life here, so she can have a servant. No mentally healthy parent would ask what your mother is asking of you. No mentally healthy parent enables an adult son as your mother has enabled your bro to the point that she has reduced resources for herself and they both now want to come and suck you dry. No mentally healthy son does what your bro has to your mum, and no mentally healthy person would agree to this and you sound like you are on the ball.
This is a very narcissistic request. Narcissists put their children in different roles - the golden child who can do no wrong which sounds like the bro living with your mum, and another role is the servant. It sounds like you are that, since you help one bro and are considering helping mum and other bro. It is too much for one person to do. I recognise it as I was trained as the "servant" child, but I have learned to set boundaries, while still helping my mum at a distance, as I am able and see fit. I, and others here, understand a need to ensure that your parent is cared for.
I was thinking that one alternative would be to take in your mum and not your bro, but frankly I think that would disrupt your life too much, even though it sounds like you have the resources to hire help to look after her. As she gets older she will need more care. Your bro would be pestering you all the time, and I agree, if he set foot in your house you would never get him out. If your mum and bro decide to move to your state, you cannot stop them, but you can stop them from entering your house. But, before they move, make sure they know that moving in with you is NOT an option. They can pull whatever guilt trips they like - but stand firm. What is the saying re guilt trips? They can buy you a ticket, but you don't have to get on the bus. . "I am resentful because my brother and his family got my money into this no money situation" Dear one, I am going to say this gently. You have control of your own money. You do NOT have to give it to, or share it with anyone. Please consider your choices and change the ones you are not happy with. Whatever money is gone is gone, but do not keep doing the same thing, if you are not happy with it. It is not your job to rescue them, or bail them out of the consequences of their poor choices. People, who are continually rescued, never learn.
This is what I would do. Research programs that are available to both bro and mum, make notes on them, visit them and lay it all on the table, first of all making sure that they know that moving in with you is NOT an option, but that they do have alternatives. I would spend a little effort, but not too much to show your mum the alternatives and maybe visit the Agency on Aging in her area and Social Services and get their input. Adult Protective Services might have a role too, in terms of how your mum is being bled dry financially. Frankly, I think your bro should fend for himself. There are programs for people like him. He is experiencing the consequences of his choices. It is not your job, nor your mum's, to rescue him.
You say you have enough room - great and I am sure you enjoy your home. But that does NOT oblige you to take in anyone. You have worked for what you have and you are entitled to enjoy it. Manipulators, and it looks like your family is full of them, use FOG, fear, obligation and guilt, to get others to do their wishes. Your mum is using obligation and may well use the other two. Do not react to these things, but be proactive and decide what you want to/can do and do not want to/can't do. . I do think therapy is a great idea. I have gone over the years as needed in order to cope with my family, and it has helped me a lot . Give all this very careful thought. The stress caused by taking your family in could ruin your health. It certainly would affect it. Let us know what you decide ((((((((hugs)))))) Joan
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Coco, your family sounds like nothing but freeloaders. They have successfully bankrupted Mom and themselves so they are like termites moving on to the next meal to devour and destroy! God as my witness Coco I would get on that phone and get Mom on it an tell her that if they show up at your house, you will have Sheriff's standing by to have them removed! I would not give a ____ what Mom has to say about bringing in your 59 year old brother and his brood, IT WOULD BE LOUD AND CLEAR THAT THEY ARE NOT WELCOME!
I have seen and heard about this far too many times in past years and this is where I would DRAW THE LINE! You already work you rear off every single day just to live, do you really want them to move in and eat your food, run up bills and wind up costing you your home, and your sanity?
If your Mom and bother are so poor then they can apply for and obtain welfare or some type of assistance right where they are since they already have residence there. If they come to your state then they probably cannot get anything for a period of time until they establish residency.
Stand your ground Coco and get rough if you have to and you are going to have to mean it. Call the Sheriff or police and ask what can be done to get them out if they pile in, but honestly I would not let it get that far, I WOULD MAKE IT LOUD AND CLEAR THAT BROKE MAMA AND BROTHER CAN SEEK ANOTHER PLACE BECAUSE YOUR HOME IS NOT THEIR WELFARE STATE!
I apologize if my bluntness on this matter is hurtful to you but I do not want to see this happen to you! It just kills me how some people feel that you just have to open your home to everyone so they can basically pull you down to their level. DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT, DON'T DO IT!
Love and healing and strength and luck to you dear Coco, you are wonderful and deserve only good things in your life.
Definition of insanity: Doing the same thing and expecting different results!
Do not encourage them to even come to your State. and get that restraining order if necessary. If they show up on the doorstep pay for a motel for the night and buy them tickets to get back from whence they came. Do not let them get so much as a paw over your door step. I heard all the guilt stuff as a kid "You"ll be sorry when I'm dead" Well I was not, just very thankful I did not become responsible for Mum's care.
As suggested above Cocco can you get away for a while? you said you worked from home could you do that from another location? Maybe a friends house or even a motel for a few weeks. Tell Mom you are going but not where and that you will not be communicating. Take all the precautions with police etc. Your mother and brother are very sick. Turn off your phone erase their emails without reading them. Call or email them as you leave the house that you will be away for a while and just leave. Think of it this way. they would find a way to cope if you were in the hospital after a serious accident and could not communicate.
It's going to be hard but you have coped with difficult situations in the past. You owe them nothing. make a list of all the things you are not going to allow them to do and keep reading it. If a truly desperate need arises you can help them find help but you are not going to give that help.
The whole family is a bunch of leaches.
I am glad you realise you will never have that loving relationship with your mother. It is better to accept the reality, and, as you are doing, cherish the loving memories you have of your father. I am in the same boat.
((((((hugs))))
God bless you all
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Detaching
Accept that they are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t take on blame, guilt, manipulation, anger - don’t enable
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g. emotional blackmail, guilt, shame
Respond, don’t react
Separate - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours
Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.
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Setting boundaries means pointing out an unacceptable behaviour, and stating the consequences of continuing that behaviour, then following through with the consequences.
Don't be afraid of your mum's anger or disapproval. You are a fine person who has done very well for herself. She should be proud of you. I am. You have helped a lot and gotten kicked in the teeth for it. Time to put you first.
(((((((((((hugs))))))))) You are doing well! Stay firm and keep it up.
I am so sorry about the cancer. You must look after yourself. Your mother's response to your second bout of radiation is s heartless and callous. There is a book called "When the Body says No" by Gabor Mate, which talks about cancer and family relationships amongst other things, basically if you do not say "No" to dysfunctional interactions, your body will. Your life may depend on the choices you make now.
I understand the feelings when a sib is given noticeably more than you are. I have come to accept that is the way it is, and it is dysfunctional - unhealthy, but I do not have to get sucked into it. My sis was given more and then she started expecting me to do things for her. I stopped that in its tracks - no way! Yes, they will play the guilt trips etc., but recognise them for what they are and let them go. Learn to say "No". You don't have to explain or justify yourself. decide what is good for you. You owe your mother no dollars!
Do not convert your bedroom or any other room, You cannot afford the stress of having your mother with you, never mind your bro and clan. Truly, coco, I don't think there is a "nice" way of telling her, if you mean a way to tell her when she will not get angry or pout or whatever. Anger is an other tool manipulators use. Recognise it as such. So she gets angry or upset. Let it roll off your back. We are so trained to swallow garbage from our dysfunctional families, but never to speak up. Well, it is time to speak up. I don't mean be rude, but be assertive. Simply tell her firmly that no one is moving into your house! I stress you do not have to explain or justify your decisions. If you like tell her it is too hard on your health - which is true. I would not rent a place or do anything for your bro. He has freeloaded too much anyway. As far as your mum is concerned, I would help her find a place that she can afford, e.g. subsidized seniors apartment, and I would not promise to have her in your house every day. It is not good for your. You are not responsible for her happiness. By all means, help her find a place that she can afford on her own. Help her find a seniors programs that can fill some of her time, and needs. Do not do it all yourself. She may not go along with this but you will know you have done what you can. If she chooses to not participate, it is not your fault or responsibility. I spent two weeks and over $2000 this summer trying to help my mum. I looked after all the things she was complaining about. guess what - she has another list of complaints and no thanks for what I did. She has been diagnosed with paranoia and given meds to help her. While she took them she was better, Now she has decided not to take them anymore and it getting agitated etc. again. Shortly I will be telling her that if she chooses to not take her meds, I choose to not go down to her city and help her. If you were run over by a bus tomorrow your mum and bro would cope somehow. Look after my own health needs and build for your future. You will not work forever.
Now let us know that you are telling your mum that she is not moving into your house, but you will help her find a nice place of her own. If she gets mad, hang up the phone, or junk the emails. Next post I am going to cope and paste info on detaching, which I have posted on this site before. It is what you need to do to cope with your family.
love, prayers and encouragement to you to do the right thing for you
Paolo Coehlo - "When you say 'Yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'No' to yourself."
This is a very narcissistic request. Narcissists put their children in different roles - the golden child who can do no wrong which sounds like the bro living with your mum, and another role is the servant. It sounds like you are that, since you help one bro and are considering helping mum and other bro. It is too much for one person to do. I recognise it as I was trained as the "servant" child, but I have learned to set boundaries, while still helping my mum at a distance, as I am able and see fit. I, and others here, understand a need to ensure that your parent is cared for.
I was thinking that one alternative would be to take in your mum and not your bro, but frankly I think that would disrupt your life too much, even though it sounds like you have the resources to hire help to look after her. As she gets older she will need more care. Your bro would be pestering you all the time, and I agree, if he set foot in your house you would never get him out. If your mum and bro decide to move to your state, you cannot stop them, but you can stop them from entering your house. But, before they move, make sure they know that moving in with you is NOT an option. They can pull whatever guilt trips they like - but stand firm. What is the saying re guilt trips? They can buy you a ticket, but you don't have to get on the bus.
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"I am resentful because my brother and his family got my money into this no money situation" Dear one, I am going to say this gently. You have control of your own money. You do NOT have to give it to, or share it with anyone. Please consider your choices and change the ones you are not happy with. Whatever money is gone is gone, but do not keep doing the same thing, if you are not happy with it. It is not your job to rescue them, or bail them out of the consequences of their poor choices. People, who are continually rescued, never learn.
This is what I would do. Research programs that are available to both bro and mum, make notes on them, visit them and lay it all on the table, first of all making sure that they know that moving in with you is NOT an option, but that they do have alternatives. I would spend a little effort, but not too much to show your mum the alternatives and maybe visit the Agency on Aging in her area and Social Services and get their input. Adult Protective Services might have a role too, in terms of how your mum is being bled dry financially. Frankly, I think your bro should fend for himself. There are programs for people like him. He is experiencing the consequences of his choices. It is not your job, nor your mum's, to rescue him.
You say you have enough room - great and I am sure you enjoy your home. But that does NOT oblige you to take in anyone. You have worked for what you have and you are entitled to enjoy it. Manipulators, and it looks like your family is full of them, use FOG, fear, obligation and guilt, to get others to do their wishes. Your mum is using obligation and may well use the other two. Do not react to these things, but be proactive and decide what you want to/can do and do not want to/can't do.
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I do think therapy is a great idea. I have gone over the years as needed in order to cope with my family, and it has helped me a lot
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Give all this very careful thought. The stress caused by taking your family in could ruin your health. It certainly would affect it. Let us know what you decide ((((((((hugs)))))) Joan