Taking care of my mother in law with colon cancer, she blames everything on everyone. She has mental heath issues, how do I handle this?
We know she has mental heath issues, also does not remember details about doctor appointments, what was said to her, were she is. how do i keep patients with her and help her to understand ?
I know with my parents, I try to go to the most important doctor visits (not just the normal routine ones). I make sure I understand what is happening and ask questions. I write it down and keep for myself as a reminder. As far as the blaming part, yes patience is needed and I talso ry to remind myself of the same. Its not something that we can just all "practice", its something we have to pray for. I sometimes tell my parents "well you all are the only ones that live here so someone had to do it" or I just say "I don't know". And not all men can handle this type of stuff even with their own parents (as I know with my husband) , so it falls on the woman. You don't indicate if there are other family members besides your husband that can help out. Or maybe they just don't want to deal with it. But God bless you for helping out the best you can. Maybe a support group with a church or other support group dealing with Alzheimers can help you deal with the issues at hand.
It would be nice if you could give us a little larger picture of what is happening, just so we can give you some more detailed advice.
She does have colon cancer and you know there are mental issues but you do not say what type of mental issues....dementia, Alzheimer's or perhaps a stroke or something caused by medication?
I am just going to assume it is dementia or Alzheimer's and say that the entire blaming issue is part of the disease. My mother loses things and blames me for it not being where it should be, or she gets mad that the trash can is full and becomes irate wanting to know who the stupid person was who put ____ in the trash like this and didn't even have the decency to take it out to the trash. When you tell her it was her, she comes unglued calling you every name in the book including LIAR! Nothing is her fault, everything that she becomes upset about is her own doing but you cannot make her believe it, so it is better to shut up and just take care of the problem. There is a lot of stuffing down of emotions that goes along with caring for people with mental problems, it is not easy by any means.
As was already said, you must go to her doctor appointments with her and you must be IN THE EXAM ROOM taking notes, or some doctors will write down on a script exactly what they want done or how meds should be taken etc. This helps when there is a discussion as to how often a pill should be taken etc. and you can show her it came from the doctor himself. Hopefully that means something to her; my mother just says, "I don't give a damn," and tries to do it her way.
A person with a mental disorder/illness cannot be talked to and made to understand many situations, their illness limits their cognitive abilities and you can talk until you are blue in the face and it will in all likelihood do you no good!
Your husband needs to be taking a more active role in her care and see if it makes any difference in the outcome. If she listens to him and not you, then you know it is not just a mental issue but a personality issue as well.
As far as patience goes, it can be difficult at times. You need some time off to seek relaxation and rest for yourself. I see a therapist once a week who is wonderful and helps me see things a bit clearer and I go home with renewed energy for the week. Prayer is good and I watch a young minister on TV on Sunday mornings who gives me hope and renewed energy as well. Friends who can listen to you or maybe even help or just stop by for a short visit are a blessing. You may begin talking a bit funny, because you will have to bite your tongue more than once to prevent an outburst or tantrum. Exercise is great, it really makes you feel better, I use an exercise bike and a treadmill and they relive stress as well....plus you will look great which is always a plus!
Lastly do not try to micro manage her. Dementia patients need to be able to do things their way every once in a while and not told what to do every single minute of every single day. My sister is a micro manager and her and Mom butt heads all the time, I am a bit more laid back and realize Mom needs to do some things on her own even if I have to correct them later, Mom is happier and SO AM I!
What if he won't let his son in the house and is in a state of denial on everything??? The son just leaves him alone and doesn't want to do anything either. Dad is 80 and is letting his house go unclean and full of trash.
If the doctor will allow it (be sure to ask permission directly from him/her before beginning) tape the visit....videotape might even be more helpful --- so you have a good record of what happened and can replay it as needed to help in understanding. Of course, some people won't/can't hear what was said even upon rehearing!
you must be weary with all of this........try not to let yourself engage in her tirades... only give her the info she needs, but keep track of what was said at the doc appts in a little notebook for yourself...are there meds that could help with her symptoms? .check out options for respite care....maybe give your husband the "opportunity" to take care of his mother for a weekend to give you time off ....to get away....with some girlfriends? Good luck Take care of your self.
First of all, since she has dementia which is a brain/mental disorder, she is not responsible for lashing out at anyone, plus having colon cancer is not fun either. This situation is not about YOU. You need to practice patience, forgiveness, and get some help in dealing with a terminal patient. Where is your husband (I am assuming her son) in all of this? Why isn't he helping?
I've shared this quote before and it's perfect for your situation: FREE YOURSELF FROM DYSFUNCTIONAL PEOPLE BY REFUSING TO TRY TO CONTROL THEM. -- Martha Beck, writing in the October 2012 issue of The Oprah Magazine, O.
If you can, you might try to step back mentally and emotionally and then calmly examine what tasks/actions are needed to do this job. Think of it as such -- a job. Perhaps a trusted friend can help with this perspective. Then plan out how you will manage this work.
Meanwhile, your MIL will continue to be ill, physically and mentally, and she will behave however she does. For your own sake, try and leave that part alone, just let her be as she is. Make all that okay with you and avoid getting sucked into trying to help her understand anything.
If you feel love for her, strive to remain in touch with that inner state, detaching from the rest. I’m not saying that’s easy, but with practice it gets better. And may God bless you and keep you at peace in this difficult time.
My great aunt, back in the late 60's, had cancer. I helped her sister, my other great aunt (who have been like my grandmother) take care of her 2 nights a week and all day Saturday or Sunday. She had what they then called "delirium" but I know now, after being involved directly or indirectly with several dementia patients, that she had some form of dementia, probably either vascular or that the cancer has metastasized to her brain and damage part of it. There we're no CT scans or MRIs back in those days, and no autopsy when she died, so it's hard to say exactly.
These days, much more can be discovered through examination, either with scans, blood work and other lab tests, or neuro psychiatric evaluation. Be sure to get powers of attorney in place, both health and financial + look into getting a trusted after she owns a house. You can see an elder care attorney, but do it while she still competent enough to sign documents.
Some memory problems are caused by physical conditions that could be reversed, such as a lack of vitamin B-12 & more. You must go with her to the doctor and express the memory problems. The short time doctors see patients is often not enough for them to pick up on problems, especially since dementia people are very adept at hiding their condition for quite a long while.
After you have the necessary legal documents in order, get her physically and mentally evaluated so you can have a true diagnosis of what's going on.
If you aggravate her, you will not get her cooperation. You must realize that you're probably dealing with some kind of disease mind and be kind about it as you attempt to proceed in doing things for her own good. It is a difficult thing when you make your mind up that someone mental deficiencies require you to step in and begin to control her life, taking away some of her freedoms and independence. Each patient is different and there is no timeline for how the disease progresses. If you are going to be the caregiver or oversee the caregiving, you have to understand and just be patient because not only can they not help it, it generally always and only gets worse.
I know this must be very difficult for all of you. First off, someone needs to go to doctors' appointments with her and have notebook and pen ready with questions for doctor and to take notes on visit. Does she has some kid of cognitive diagnosis?
You just may not be able to make her understand; certainly cannot make her remembers what she can't or doesn't want to remember.
Wish I could help with the patience issue. You might try reading other areas here about dealing with the elderly. I know others here will have much better answers for you!
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She does have colon cancer and you know there are mental issues but you do not say what type of mental issues....dementia, Alzheimer's or perhaps a stroke or something caused by medication?
I am just going to assume it is dementia or Alzheimer's and say that the entire blaming issue is part of the disease. My mother loses things and blames me for it not being where it should be, or she gets mad that the trash can is full and becomes irate wanting to know who the stupid person was who put ____ in the trash like this and didn't even have the decency to take it out to the trash. When you tell her it was her, she comes unglued calling you every name in the book including LIAR! Nothing is her fault, everything that she becomes upset about is her own doing but you cannot make her believe it, so it is better to shut up and just take care of the problem. There is a lot of stuffing down of emotions that goes along with caring for people with mental problems, it is not easy by any means.
As was already said, you must go to her doctor appointments with her and you must be IN THE EXAM ROOM taking notes, or some doctors will write down on a script exactly what they want done or how meds should be taken etc. This helps when there is a discussion as to how often a pill should be taken etc. and you can show her it came from the doctor himself. Hopefully that means something to her; my mother just says, "I don't give a damn," and tries to do it her way.
A person with a mental disorder/illness cannot be talked to and made to understand many situations, their illness limits their cognitive abilities and you can talk until you are blue in the face and it will in all likelihood do you no good!
Your husband needs to be taking a more active role in her care and see if it makes any difference in the outcome. If she listens to him and not you, then you know it is not just a mental issue but a personality issue as well.
As far as patience goes, it can be difficult at times. You need some time off to seek relaxation and rest for yourself. I see a therapist once a week who is wonderful and helps me see things a bit clearer and I go home with renewed energy for the week. Prayer is good and I watch a young minister on TV on Sunday mornings who gives me hope and renewed energy as well. Friends who can listen to you or maybe even help or just stop by for a short visit are a blessing. You may begin talking a bit funny, because you will have to bite your tongue more than once to prevent an outburst or tantrum. Exercise is great, it really makes you feel better, I use an exercise bike and a treadmill and they relive stress as well....plus you will look great which is always a plus!
Lastly do not try to micro manage her. Dementia patients need to be able to do things their way every once in a while and not told what to do every single minute of every single day. My sister is a micro manager and her and Mom butt heads all the time, I am a bit more laid back and realize Mom needs to do some things on her own even if I have to correct them later, Mom is happier and SO AM I!
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only give her the info she needs, but keep track of what was said at the doc appts in a little notebook for yourself...are there meds that could help with her symptoms? .check out options for respite care....maybe give your husband the "opportunity" to take care of his mother for a weekend to give you time off ....to get away....with some girlfriends? Good luck Take care of your self.
If you can, you might try to step back mentally and emotionally and then calmly examine what tasks/actions are needed to do this job. Think of it as such -- a job. Perhaps a trusted friend can help with this perspective. Then plan out how you will manage this work.
Meanwhile, your MIL will continue to be ill, physically and mentally, and she will behave however she does. For your own sake, try and leave that part alone, just let her be as she is. Make all that okay with you and avoid getting sucked into trying to help her understand anything.
If you feel love for her, strive to remain in touch with that inner state, detaching from the rest. I’m not saying that’s easy, but with practice it gets better. And may God bless you and keep you at peace in this difficult time.
These days, much more can be discovered through examination, either with scans, blood work and other lab tests, or neuro psychiatric evaluation. Be sure to get powers of attorney in place, both health and financial + look into getting a trusted after she owns a house. You can see an elder care attorney, but do it while she still competent enough to sign documents.
Some memory problems are caused by physical conditions that could be reversed, such as a lack of vitamin B-12 & more. You must go with her to the doctor and express the memory problems. The short time doctors see patients is often not enough for them to pick up on problems, especially since dementia people are very adept at hiding their condition for quite a long while.
After you have the necessary legal documents in order, get her physically and mentally evaluated so you can have a true diagnosis of what's going on.
If you aggravate her, you will not get her cooperation. You must realize that you're probably dealing with some kind of disease mind and be kind about it as you attempt to proceed in doing things for her own good. It is a difficult thing when you make your mind up that someone mental deficiencies require you to step in and begin to control her life, taking away some of her freedoms and independence. Each patient is different and there is no timeline for how the disease progresses. If you are going to be the caregiver or oversee the caregiving, you have to understand and just be patient because not only can they not help it, it generally always and only gets worse.
You just may not be able to make her understand; certainly cannot make her remembers what she can't or doesn't want to remember.
Wish I could help with the patience issue. You might try reading other areas here about dealing with the elderly. I know others here will have much better answers for you!
Best of luck to you!