Input for moving in with elder loved one in his home?

As far as his meds and vitamins, get liquid vitamins and add them to his food. Find out from the doctor, if you can grind up the meds and put them also in his food, separate from the vitamins. Sleep his life away? He's 94. My mother was 88, and I let her sleep whenever she wanted to. If he's sleeping, he's not a bother to you or anyone else. Let him sleep.

I did move in with my dad. My husband and I pulled a travel trailer next to his house. This helped a lot. But not having my own home is tearing me apart. I'm tired of cleaning bathroom 1-2 times and more, daily. I'm tired of trying to get him to take his meds and vitamins, which he does not. I'm tired of fixing a meal and he won't eat. I'm tired of watching him sleep his life away. I've only been doing this a year, and it has destroyed me mentally and physically. I continually have head aches and no energy. I love my dad so much, and I think these feelings of wanting out are killing me as well. I would not recommend moving in. You seem to lose your identity.

I was not cut out for caregiving. I can take care of my dad, but long term is not what I am cut out to do. My husband is so worried for me. He has made an appointment with a dr. For me. I'm on antidepressant but I may need to change medication. I have migraines a lot lately. And I don't feel like doing anything. I'm completely worn and burned out.

I read what others are going through, and I have not a clue how you do it. So much worse than my situation.

Another issue, my husband resigned our church as education minister, thinking we would find a church soon after. Not realizing that most churches put an age limit on what resumes they look at. My husband just turned 60 and is jumping at the bits to get into a church ministry, it has been a year without a salary. He has been doing ministry in the community, which keeps him busy, but doesn't help pay bills. We have learned to totally rely on God. I believe that is the only way to get through any tough situation in life... Although it is still hard.

Something to put things in perspective. Since your husband works 2 to 10 pm, and your FIL is 94, he'll be sleeping much of the time anyway.

The first 2 years of being my mother's caregiver wasn't easy. We had to get her off the medications her last doctor had her on....they made her condition much worse. My mother lost her ability to walk, so that also made a difference. Each circumstance is different. I also did not have any family support, all of them lived to far away. That could be a blessing at times.

God bless you John, you must be an awfully sweet, patient man. I sure love my mom, but in truth, so far, this has been the worst couple years of my life in so many ways thus far. I am working on it believe me.

My mother had dementia, she moved in with me. I was her caregiver for 7 years, she passed away Aug 1st. I would give almost anything to have her back. The last 7 years, of caring for her, were the best 7 years of my life. It was very rewarding.

If he is a veteran, check the va caregiving hotline for what aid is available for him. You can't stop the falls but rehab to build stronger muscles will make the falls less severe. i had no training when I started taking care of my 91 year old Dad with Parkinson's. You learn the best ways. Your FIL sounds like he is fully compentent, save yourself arguements and do as he wants. Listen and do exactly what he asks. It's a tough job, but you can handle it. You will learn and grow into the job. Set limits and get outside help. If you must place him in assisted living don't beat yourself up. Good luck

I am going to stand by my original idea he has only been on the job for 6 months until I hear from Valyn10256.

ferris - I believe Val said her husband has ACCUMULATED 6 months of time to use for a leave of absence, not that he worked at his job 6 months.

Val - if your husband has this capacity to take time off, how about planning for him to take a "little" time off, get pop back at home, have your husband's strength to be able to handle his dad, and evaluate pop's needs as you see him trying to function within his own home. You will SOON know whether you can provide the home care he needs, either physically or financially, OR whether he will need to be placed. With your husbands option of a leave of absence, it gives you a little breathing room that some people don't have when they have to make a more instantaneous decision. I would take a deep breath and use that to your advantage. That little bit of extra time and evaluation will be of great benefit to pop and to you and your family in the long run.

First of all, your husband will probably not be granted a leave of absence having only been on a job for 6 months. Secondly, without some professional help, you are jeopardizing his health because you will not know what to do in the event he falls again, or he goes into cardiac arrest. At 94 yrs., I am assuming he has some sort of dementia, although you do not state he has. So, as a nurse, I need more information. What about his insurance? What about your son and how old is he? At 94, I am assuming his son (your husband) is in his 60s to 70s and so are you. Are there any other family members who are available? Please provide more details...

I moved in with Mom 10 years ago next month, after Dad died. She’s 95, has dementia, I love her and I'm happy to be able to help her stay in her own home. However, my advice to anyone contemplating this sort of service is DON’T DO IT. I’m on my own, no family in town, and can't imagine trying to maintain a relationship with a husband and child in the process. The experience is a challenge not only in terms of energy but also sanity.

Yes, the others in your household would be a help in coping with the extra workload. But will one of them be there at all times? When he's well, how strong is your FIL? Worst case scenario, would he be able to overcome you physically?

This is a perfect opportunity to find a place for him where his physical therapy can be managed and he can stay long-term. Just visiting with him and doing his errands will strain your schedule.

In my mother's case, we didn't have many options. Her financial and mental health limitations (even before the dementia) made my staying with her the only alternative I could live with and I don't regret this decision. However, if you have other choices, grab one and hold on for dear life. Blessings to you and your family in this transition.

Since rehab wasn't available (is there only one facility ear you??) you might qualify for at home physical and occupational therapy. That would provide additional coverage in the short run and assist your FIL with recovery.

It seems to me that the hospital should have provided you a Discharge Plan (it may be called something different where you live). Usually in the case of a serious fall, they recommend home health care in the form of rehab, physical therapy, an occasional nurse to check vitals, and often a social worker. The social worker should be able to make some recommendations.

There will be monetary issues, much of which most people cannot afford. You might prepare yourself to find low-cost elder lawyer (if low cost is necessary). Your local Area Agency on Aging should be able to make referrals. Ultimately, a 94-year-old who cannot afford to pay out-of-pocket for residential care may qualify for Medicaid. There are resident communities which accept Medicare. Emotionally prepare yourself that your FIL may have to "turn his house over" to Medicare. But before accepting that, it would be prudent to consult with an elder law lawyer. I am so sorry you have to deal with not only the financial complications, but mostly the wrenching emotional path of caretaking someone's decline. It can be very rewarding, and it certainly makes us grow. I hope you can reach out to any experts who will help pave the way with more clarity.

John, guess I do not know enough about AL, thought it was like a independent living apt, but help is available. I guess person could lose stuff to AL staff and home staff, nursing home staff. Not sure of answer to this, but me, I'd keep it simple and most people of that age, are happy with less. I'd get all the "stuff" sorted.

If you can get now get some home health care/physio for rehab and assist him to get him into a AL, good he did not break any bones, wonderful. I am sure he would love the social aspects of AL and if it is possible, I'd do this. I dare to assume you have all the legals in place, if not get on that.

That depends, does your father have income that could replace yours? I moved in with my mother, as her caregiver. Her income from Social Security and her pension paid for all the expenses of the home. I did not need to work. Have you asked your father if he wanted to move into assisted living? He does have a say in this, if he doesn't have dementia. Way too many people are too quick to put seniors into assisted living, not knowing what really happens there. My mother was in assisted living and lost many things to the staff.

I concur. DON'T DO IT. What starts out as care and concern can only go one way - and that it SOUTH. It is reality. At age 94 he needs to get on a list to assisted living or a NH. Sorry, but we have 'been there - done that' - I have been the caregiver for my MIL for 8 - going on 9 years. It started out well and as things deteriorated with her health - so did the care-giving relationship. My answer to your question is still NO. Follow vw's advice and follow that with getting on some lists.................... asap

One word; DON'T. I would advise that you not move in with dad short term or long term; as vw9729 states; his situation will only worsen over time. You can take vw's suggestions as short term aids (making the house less dangerous to trips, falls, etc.) and have monitoring devices in place but his care needs will likely escalate and become more demanding and worrisome for you and your family. Consider hiring in-home care for a few hours during the day and at night if he can afford; or live-in caregiver. Not inexpensive by any means but your dad can at least remain in the home safely.

Time to have a discussion with dad about long term solutions and reality that with you both working full time; having children to chaffeur to events, etc. it is not practical to be full time caregivers nor do you feel you are skilled in the caregiving needs he will have in the future. Ask if he will at least consider moving to AL where he can have his privacy, remain relatively independent, but will have other advantages of activities, socialization, prepared meals, cleaning, and emergency access should he slip or need help when no one is around (realistically this still happens even in AL, NH or other).

Hopefully he will trust your advice. Good luck and wishes to you for peace of mind.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do to prevent your father-in-law from falling except to remove any possible trip-hazards (such as rugs, coffee tables, dog toys). If he is unstable, maybe consider getting him a walker or cane? But I would suggest you get an alert necklace or bracelet so that he can call for help if he were to fall. You talk like you may move in with him. Only you will know what is best in your family's situation, but understand that the dynamics change tremendously as a caregiver when you reside with the individual. And sometimes for the worse. Good luck!!