How do I tell mom she's not 'ready' for a retirment community but a nursing home?

Does your mom have any close friends who can level with her? Many times, an elder doesn't like to be told what to do by their "kids." Another idea could be her spiritual leader or someone from her church like a Stephen Minister if their is one available. Otherwise, I'd suggest that you talk with her doctor and let him or her help your mom understand that yes, she needs to move, but to a nursing home rather than a retirement home. It's all about denial, as you said. Her denial should break down if several people she respects tell her this is what she needs.

She also needs to realize that most modern nursing homes are quite good and even pleasant to be around (unfortunately, this depends a lot on where you live). But many elders have outdated views of nursing homes. Tell her you'll be there to visit just as you do now.

Eventually, you'll get through this.
Take care,
Carol

Thanks Carol. Mom's 'close' friends have done the Houdini act and only appear for b-days and Christmas for quick (and that word cant' be emphasized enough) visits to drop off gifts and run out the door. And when they do come they just say how wonderful it is that I'm here and she DOESN"T have to be in a nursing home. I'm going to try and get the dr alone but that's hard since I go with mom and mom's there the whole time and would get suspicious if I pulled the dr. aside. I do not have POA. I tried to have a conversation with mom @ getting medical POA last NOvember and that did not go well at all. She acted like I was trying to bury her in the yard and started having an emotional breakdown saying that she was living everything to me in a living trust. I never brought it up again. Mom was going to church before she became so disabled and didn't feel up to it anymore. Only here from the church when they send the envelopes for the offerings in the mail. I was hoping to call this particular retirement community and giving them a headsup on mom and have THEM to tell her reality and the concept thereof.

Meant to say hear not here. Caregiving has ruined my brain.