I am shaking, I am a mess right now. Hopefully, this can come out and make some sense. My father lives in the next town over from myself. I have 2 children and a husband. My father lives alone, has been heavily addicted to pain pills for 30 plus years. Over the past 5 years, things have gotten so much worse. The doctor he was seeing cut him off his monthly supply of morphine and liquid vicodin. He started ER jumping sometimes 3x a day to get pills. As time kept going on, I called Adult Protection Services and they went to evaluate him and told me that they feel he makes bad choices but not enough for anyone to intervene, even though there were burn marks in his carpet and recliner chair from smoking and blood on the back door. I was beyond upset. He ended up getting knee replacement, but didn't comply with the therapy afterwards and wouldn't take care of himself. Took all the pills in a matter of a few days and started ER jumping again with a newly knee that wasn't healed. He ended up with an infection. He was giving antibiotics but if it wasn't pain pills, my father wouldn't take them. He would be admitted to the hospital and they would start IV antibiotics but he would pull it all out and walk out. Finally, the infection went into his bone, they did multiple surgeries to put an antibiotic spacer in his knee and give him IV antibiotics. It didn't take care of it all, they decided to try again and cast his leg all the way up to keep him from leaving and requiring him to stay for 6 weeks more of IV antibiotics. His stomach ended up getting a perforated ulcer and he required extensive surgeries following. Long story short, his leg became priority number 2 because of it. He has currently been in a bed for 8 months, he ended up losing the leg to a above the knee amputation a month an half ago. He refuses physical therapy and since the bacteria was still showing in his blood, they kept him to continue IV antibiotics for a few more weeks to make sure they can kill off any remaining bacteria. My dad ended up leaving, took a cab home (he hasn't moved on his own at all for 8 months, not even bathroom wise). He fell and 911 was called and took him to a hospital. They were again going to try to do 2 more weeks of the antibiotics but again my dad stayed 24 hours and left again in a cab. He has fallen again but refuses transport. He told me he will not stay at any hospital or nursing home. I have again called and left a detailed message to APS again but haven't been called back and being the weekend, I doubt I will get a call back until Monday if then. I feel like no one will help me with him. That they all agree his reasoning is not good but that it isn't enough yet to require anyone to step in. I told my dad that I wont continue to help him since he isn't being compliant to his own health care needs and I am done. My kids have seen too much and dealt with this for years. I feel like no matter which way I turn, it makes matters worse. I have never taken the 'I am not helping' stance and figured it would make him stay at the hospital or nursing home to finish his treatment but with his behavior, he isn't seeming to budge. I am beyond exhausted sadly to say to continue dealing with his out of control behavior. I don't know what to do. Any advice? I have tried to explain to my father that his choices have lead him to this point and until he can make better choices he will not get better. I have also explained that the bacteria he has is serious and he has already been told this is the last antibiotic to treat it because it has become resistant to everything else (probably with his own doing of taking them and not taking them so much through the last year) and he still doesn't seem to care. Let alone, he also has sever COPD, his lung has collapsed 3x since May and he has pnemonia which they were giving him a separate antibiotic for that when he left the hospital. Now he is receiving no antibiotics at home.
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I work with older adults. Addiction in older adults is rough to overcome. Often there is depression along with it due to a loss of quality of life. The catch 22 comes when addictive behaviors further deteriorate quality of life. Hospice may help. An adult behavioral health hospital (especially those focused on older adults) may help. A skilled nursing facility stay may help.
But the most important thing for you to do is take care of yourself and talk to a support group or therapist about what are realistic expectations for your involvement in this situation. As a rehabilitation specialist, I can tell you that the number one factor for improvement is personal motivation. It doesn't sound like your dad has motivation to recover. Coming to terms with that and determining your involvement is key at this stage.
I can just tell the stress all of this is causing you and I am so sorry that you have to go through it. I hope you find what you need here.
As others have mentioned, your father, above and beyond anything else, is an addict and addicts have a whole different way of doing things when it comes to their lives. The addict is driven by an obsession, as you have seen with your dad, and nothing but 100% recovery from the addictive substance will help. An addict is a sick person.
As you detailed, your dad has made very poor choices that have caused him great harm and have endangered his life. From what you said, he will continue to make poor choices and you are hoping that APS can step in and protect him from himself.
I know how much you love your dad and I know how concerned you are, how stressed out you are. I got stressed out just reading about what you were going through! But if your dad is hell bent on doing things his way without a care or concern about how his daughter feels about anything maybe it might be time to step back, get some perspective, and let dad do what he needs to do. Fighting him obviously isn't working and it's making YOU crazy. We can't make the elders in our lives do anything they don't want to do. If we could websites like this wouldn't exist.
I'm a recovering alcoholic. 16 years. I've dealt with many alcoholics and addicts during my recovery and it's common knowledge in the recovery community that we can't make anyone stop doing drugs (or drinking, but for your situation it's the prescription drugs). We can beg and plead and emotionally blackmail and bribe and do all kinds of crazy, off the wall things to try and get the person to get sober but nothing we can do can get anyone clean and sober. I've sat and watched loved ones destroy themselves because there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.
Talk to APS, see if they can offer you a solution but if your dad is continuing to make poor healthcare choices that are hurting him I don't know what you can do anymore. I'm assuming you've tried to discuss this with him and it hasn't helped. Sometimes we have to let go. Detach. Let your dad do what he needs to do so you can hang onto your sanity.
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You can't help your father other than to check that he has food and his house is clean and safe. Have him hire someone to come in to clean or cook a couple of times a week. His social worker at the hospital or the Veteran's Administration may be able to get home help for free or reduced cost.
He is an addict and you can't fix that if he doesn't want it fixed. Limit your contact with him. Have a heart-to-heart conversation with him and tell him you love him but can't have his addiction ruin your life too. Anyone who is so addicted that they would rather loose a leg than quit their drug abuse is beyond your help.
Also, please pursue hospice care ... find a doctor who will look at his history and who will acknowledge that his current mental state coupled with his past medical history and history of actions indicate that (given the fact that you can find no way to change his course of action) he will likely (not for sure, but likely) not last more than six months. That's all you need I believe, the distinct possibilitlly of death within six months. Hospice will provide a lot - volunteers for him and even pschological help for you and for your two children who must be suffering from this situation as well.
I am wondering, if he hasn't been able to move on his own for eight months, who is providing food and helping him to the bathroom during that time?
If it is you, and you stop doing that, calling APS after a couple days of leaving him alone will surely cause him to be placed in protective long term care, wouldn't it? Does he have assets that they will garnish to pay for his care? If so, you must be willing to let those go. Not that you care, just saying be prepared.
I apologize for the harsh words, I am sure it can't hurt more than the harsh reality you face every day with this. I embrace you, big hugs.
OMG! I know what you are going through as my story is almost the same as yours. Only difference was my dad was misusing his Fentanyl.
The pain management doctors should have had things in place for this type of thing but as I found with my own father, many doctors don't step in due to fear of lawsuits. It takes a lot of work to find solutions to these problems. Had my sister not been helping me I fear my father would have died.
Each state has their own laws and they have different names. In Florida many people refer to the Baker act but fail to realize that is for suicide and only if they state they will hurt themselves or others. It was due to finding that we discovered the Marchman act.
The Marchman act is for substance abuse. My sister & I had to go fill out paperwork stating what we had seen and how things were going. It took about a day or 2 but they did finally come and take him.
Hope this gives you a start into the right direction. I only wish I'd seen your post sooner.
From what you have said it sounds like your Dad became addicted to the pain pills and HAD to have them. I don't know that anyone who has not been addicted to something in their life can fully understand what an addict goes through. He has made horrible choices and his choices have led him down this road and caused the amputation, the infection and probably the COPD. He is determined to live his life under his terms and his terms only. I do not think there is anything you can do to turn this around.
If an agency came in and took your father and forced him to stay in a hospital setting/locked facility, I think that is the only way you would be able to see your Dad get and complete the full treatment he needs for his condition. I do not think any amount of talking that you do will make him see the light, it hasn't thus far.
Did you ever consider the fact that maybe your Dad may want to die? Has he ever mentioned that to you? He is on a destructive path and has been on one for some time. Unfortunately, there may be nothing more that you can do and I know you do not want to hear that because you are desperately trying to save him from himself!
In the meantime you have lost yourself because of your grief over him. This will affect you, your children and spouse. You know he is not willing to even help save himself, so now it is up to you, you have to decide if you are going to keep living this way and fighting to keep him alive or if you are going to say, "I Love You Dad, but I just cannot keep doing this," and you let him live out his last days in the fashion he chooses. It is not a fashion you like or you want, but it is what he wants and you have to let him go and do it.
I am sorry to say this to you, but you have been a good and faithful daughter and you do love him, but unless he is mentally deficient and unable to make the correct choices, you won't be able to make him live the way you want him to.
My heart and prayers go out to you. I hope God Blesses you and gives you peace as well as your Dad.