Dad's miserable and abusive to mom. She seems so unhappy and sad. They live in assisted living together. Advice?

lizzy - thx for updating your profile.

For both lizzie & burned - look at how similar your situations are...the reality is you may very well have to make the torturous decision to separate them. That may mean different wings, different levels of care or even different facilities. It's ultimately going to be up to each of you depending on the circumstances. Lizzy's mom is being the servant wife and Burned's mom is being the appearances wife. It's such a cultural thing ingrained in them that you'll never get them out of it.

Unless you can talk to the doctors and they agree that medication adjustment is warranted in order to keep them together, which is what your folks believe they want, you're going to have to take the reins and make contrary decisions because of their health and welfare. When you do, you must do it with all settled and kindness keeping in mind that none of them can control or amend their behavior. Also be prepared when you do split them up, you will probably want to get them together for visitation. It may work and it may not. If it does, fine. If not, you'll probably have to do some therapeutic lying about what happened to the other one so they want keep focusing on visitation. Really sad and difficult all around.

My parents have lived with me the last three years. My dad is 89 and my mother is 86. My mother has waited on my father his whole life. I think it is a generational issue. My mom is losing her eyesight and is very frail. Even when caregivers are there, my dad will call my mom at least 100 times a days to do something for him. When I discussed this with him, he said it is was her job to take care of him and she just has a cane and he has a walker. They are getting ready to move into assisted living and I am scared for her. The caregivers in my home will stop him from abusing her. I am concerned when she gets into AL there will be no one to stop him. When I talked to her about getting separate spaces for each of them she got very upset - she says how would it look for a couple married 68 years to be separated. Then every other comment from her is how he is so mean to her and how she is scared to be alone with him in AL. I am at my wits end. They need more care than I and the caregivers can provide - but I think his constant demands on her will kill her. I have finally decided that I can't change this dynamic - he is verbally abusive and demanding
and she is the "good" wife. Any suggestions about the AL? My caregivers are good about protecting her - what can I do about AL?

Reading from other forums im realizing he has alaways been verbally abusive and now amplified. We thought about splitting them to start with but the next day my mom with her dementia wanted to be with her husband. The independent living they were at previous she would go visit hrr friends and knew evverybody. And yes i believe he is angry about her dementia. She used to take care of him.

Is there an option of them living apart at the same facility?

lizzy - consider adding to your profile that you care for your mother with fementia, since thats what you said here. I completely misunderstood and thought your mother was taking care of your father who had had a stroke. But it seems, the ramifications of his stroke are that he probably can't manage the behavior of dementia, and is striking back, which is abusive to her.

You really can't allow it to go on. I agree with openhearted that you should call in APS. Let them get a picture of what's going on and maybe put the fear of God into him so to speak, if possible. If his behavior keeps up, APS will likely recommend that they be split up, and they can cause it to happen. Would you want your mom with you at that point? Is she competent enough to sign a health POA to you? Have you ever attended doctors with her? Him? Call APS & explain, they have to investigate.

nobdy is perfect keep caring for your family ,you have alot to be happy about your strong i see that ,couples care is hard your doing your best peace lori

call A.P.S to set up an interview, it may scare dad, & make him think twice next time they wont do anything bad,if anything reality check on respect for others, its only an idea.Dont k*ll the messanger my family is so lost im loosing my mind somedays...never alone, sometimes it hurts to help loved ones .love/hate,peace lori

Im sure i sound awful. Been 2 years of my life given up and im resentful and had enough. I just dont have any compassion for him left.

She does have dementia. I hate that i can't just be with her and make him go away. I am taken aback at how he is so miserable and self centered at the end of his life.

If your mom doesn't have dementia and you're relatively sure of her competency, then the behavior between your mom and dad is their dynamic that has developed over the years of their marriage. Of course, his behavior could be more intense than it ever was, aggravated by a stroke and maybe he is also falling into dementia, or other mental problems where they don't have control of their moods. Either way, if your mom has all her faculties, unless you can convince her to move separately from him, there isn't much you can do about it. If you think either of them have competency issues and you have POA's, you may have some power to force movement, possibly with the help in understanding of adult protective services. In the worst case, you may have to go to court for conservatorship, but you will not get that if your mom particularly is competent.

i live out of state and had just moved them to assisted living because of his issues. and its away from her friends, i just don't know how to make her feel better and wish my father would just die.