I'm overwhelmed with grief and have to do things I cannot do. Any guidance?

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mythyme Asked August 2013

I'm overwhelmed with grief and have to do things I cannot do. Any guidance?

Second post. As I wrote before my husband has dementia. Our beloved son 56 did not wake up last monday. We will not be telling my husband. Calls have to be made, a funeral has to planned and this is hard to do with husband in the next room. He keeps asking me if I'm all right and I say I don't feel well and didn't sleep, which is certainly true. My other son and i keep making excuses for leaving the house to plan. People keep calling and I have to keep going outside to make calls, etc. I will have to put my husband in a respite when the funeral approaches which he doesn't need yet and this will have to be lied about. Greg is being cremated which was his wish. He believed in a higher power but was not a church goer. We are planning a memorial service. Greg was outgoing, funny and loved people, and everybody loved him. A very large birthday party of his friends was planned for this weekend and they are making it also into a memorial for him. We are tentatively planning a memorial in ou town the following weekend, but the logistics overwhelm me. He lived 6 hours away and his friend memorial is 65 miles from us. Any thoughts are welcome.

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score 9 · Answer 1

I am rethinking my advice from your 1st post. I wasn't thinking of the logistics with a funeral/memorial etc. Maybe you should tell him and let him be a part of the process. Let yourselves grieve together now......but when he forgets....and he will....don't remind him. Letting him go through the present by your side might be a good thing for you at this point. He is lucky. He will forget. You never will. My heart breaks for you. Losing a child is the hardest thing to deal with, and you have so much more on your plate. Please remember to take time for yourself ....to grieve for your boy.....and to take care of your own health. You must be very strong for God to heap this all on you. I will continue to pray for you and your family.

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score 6 · Answer 2

I am so sorry for your loss and so grateful you reached out. It's never easy to know what to do but I've been involved with a similar situation and we decided to tell the woman, with moderate frontal lobe dementia, that her husband died suddenly of a heart attack. It was the right decision for her as she was able to grieve but in a little different way. She did attend the funeral but couldn't remember who died. It was one of the most powerful moments I've ever experienced (powerful in a good way).

I suggest you contact your local Alzheimer's Association and ask for support and advice. Even if your husband doesn't have Alzheimer's specifically they should be able to help you. I wish I could reach through this computer and help you in some way. My heart goes out to you...

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score 5 · Answer 3

I should have written when you first asked about telling your husband. I would tell him if only to have things make sense. You need to be able to grieve, which you cannot do if you are hiding the truth. I am so sad for you. Sometimes one person is given too much to bear. I don't know if you will be able to keep hiding this, and if it would make it harder on you. You are all important.

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score 5 · Answer 4

Your post made me cry. I only THOUGHT I have it rough, but when I considered the dilemma you are facing, I realize my burden is so light. I wish I had concrete, helpful advice to offer, but I can only tell you that you are in my prayers and I believe God will guide you and strengthen you to get through this. Lean on your friends and family and when you just can't handle it - give it to God. Give it to your other child(ren). Take time to care for yourself and I know you will get by. Nothing I can say will help...I know that...but truly, you are an amazing wife and mother.

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score 5 · Answer 5

While reading your post, I forgot to breathe and my heart shrunk for a moment. The only thing I can do is imagine I'm holding you as we both cry, as I don't have any thoughts that can actually ease the horrible pain you're going through. ... And still have the strength to protect your husband! Bless you now and always.

-- Abracao.

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score 3 · Answer 6

Oh, dear, I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard when a parent dies, but that is the normal progression of life. You don't expect a child to die before you do. I cannot imagine what you are going through, and that you cannot share the grief with your husband. If you need to, tell your husband, especially if he goes into respite. It might help him to settle. You didn't say how bad his dementia is, so he may not remember. I wouldn't repeat it every day to have him mourn forever, just maybe to explain things for the moment. Only you know what is best in your situation.

Through this whole ordeal, you must remember to take care of yourself. Please try to get some rest whenever possible....maybe a little longer respite??? Don't forget to eat. Seek out the help any friends, family or neighbors may offer. You are in my prayers.

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score 3 · Answer 7

I think I too have changed my mind from your first post/comment. Now I am thinking that it might be easier for you in the long run if you told your husband now, maybe have your other son there with you.. tell him together. You won't have the additional burden of being secretive. Then if your husband forgets in a few days just don't remind him.

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score 2 · Answer 8

well, you have to do what you think is best because we don't know you or your husband. I wish you the very best!

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score 1 · Answer 9

May God lovingly hold you in the palm of His hand during the coming days; giving you the strength and guidance needed. I am so sorry for your loss.

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score 1 · Answer 10

My sincerest and deepest condolences. As you asked about the logistics of going to a memorial far from your home, and you do not want to tell your husband about your son, my only suggestion is that you get a hotel room in the city where the memorial is to be held, and tell your husband you are going on a little vacation with him. If he can come with you to a nice place, have a good meal, and perhaps a pool to swim in, and if you can find a kind friend or family member who might stay with your husband while you go to the memorial service, it might ease a bit of the strain instead of putting him in respite care and lying to him, as you said. It might also give you a rest from all the phone calls for a day or two, and it sounds like you really need some rest.

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I'm overwhelmed with grief and have to do things I cannot do. Any guidance?

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